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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just found out my partner has been in prison

311 replies

Milly101 · 28/03/2014 11:01

We have just bought our first together after dating for 18 or so months, we were round at his brother and sils house for dinner a few nights ago and the conversation came around to the max Clifford trial and if he got found guilty how long his prison sentence would be, his brother then says to dp "you'd know all about that" dp laughed it of and changed the subject.
When we got back to my place I asked him what his brother had ment by that, it turns out he served a 3 year prison sentence in his early 20s(he is now 36 and never been in trouble since)
I'm shattered my thinking of him has changed, I can't work out if I have any right to de disappointed annoyed or upset.
Any thoughts would appreciated.

OP posts:

HelpfulChap · 28/03/2014 11:04

Depends what he was in for really. I know plenty of people that have done time for football related offences & away from that scene they are perfectly nice/normal people.

NigellasDealer · 28/03/2014 11:07

three years? what did he do?
did he not tell you?
I know one or two people who have been inside, whether or not i judge them for that depends on what they did.

saidnooneever · 28/03/2014 11:07

You really need to know what it was for. I'd be disappointed that he hadn't revealed something like that after 18 months together.

My neighbour went to prison for fraud. He's a lovely man and it made no difference to my opinion of him when I found out.

Armadale · 28/03/2014 11:07

I also think it depends what he was in for, although my trust would be shattered to be finding this out by accident a year and a half into a relationship.

It isn't clear if he served three years (and if so was sentenced to 5+) or if he had a three year sentence (and so would have served about 1.5 years).

A 5+ prison sentence would have to be for something very serious, I would have thought.

shakinstevenslovechild · 28/03/2014 11:08

You have every right to be annoyed and upset he kept this from you.

You are planning a life together, and this will impact it to some extent (depending on what he did).

I would give the future some serious consideration here. Has he said why he didn't tell you?

MeepMeepVroooom · 28/03/2014 11:09

I agree, it depends what he was in for.

Think he should have told you before but I wouldn't let it change your judgement of him if it's something silly he did in his younger years.

My first boyfriend had served 4 years in jail and my ExH had been to jail a couple of times. I knew about my boyfriends because it was a well publicised case in the city I live in and I already knew him and it didn't make a difference to me.

I knew about some of my ExHs and it was all daft stuff from when he was younger. Although he did fail to mention that he was just out of jail for IPV when we met, that would have put me off if I had known. I only found that one out once we had split up.

Fairy1303 · 28/03/2014 11:10

I would be very disappointed that he hadn't been honest.

Whether or not it would affect the future of the relationship would depend on what he was in there for.

hellymelly · 28/03/2014 11:12

Absolutely agree with the above posters. It would be a dealbreaker for me what the crime was. Three years is a long sentence esp if it was a first.

Original poster

Milly101 · 28/03/2014 11:12

5 years for attempted murder he says it was a bar fight that just got way out of hand, he says he never thinks about never dwells on it and kinda wiped the memory it never crossed his mind to mention it

OP posts:

Nomama · 28/03/2014 11:13

That's quite a sentence, so of course you are entitled to be scared, sad, disappointed, angry.

What was the first thing you bought? A house? That would have been mean of him, to not tell you before you got financially invested. But he has probably long come to terms with whatever he did, so may not have thought about it.

But he must expect you to be worried and need to discuss it again, once you have had a long think about it. Take some time, write down any questions you have. Then TELL him you need to discuss it and that he MUST cooperate so that you can take it in and deal with the new information.

He can't have any problem with that, you are offering to share your life with him. If he does, you will have one part of your answer - though that may be unfair. You say he has not had any trouble since, he is bound to be embarrassed by it... you'll need to give him leeway for that too.

Keep calm and keep talking. Good luck.

shakinstevenslovechild · 28/03/2014 11:13

Have you tried googling to see what comes up?

Nomama · 28/03/2014 11:15

Crossed post! Crikey! That will take some time for you to mull over.

He could be absolutely right. Young, stupid and drunk. Now working on forgetting it ever happened.

But it is a bit of a big thing not to have mentioned, especially if the thing you bought was a house!

Original poster

Milly101 · 28/03/2014 11:16

He has answered any question I have asked honestly (I belevie) been very open , I did google and it came up in local paper it supports what he said happens

OP posts:

PartialFancy · 28/03/2014 11:17

Some of the loveliest people I know have been in prison, all when they were early 20s. One told me this after I'd given him my spare keys. I still trust him completely.

In two cases, prison was what led to them getting themselves together. One finally had his mental health problems diagnosed - being how he came there in the first place.

So for me it would depend why they were there, and who they were now.

newbieman1978 · 28/03/2014 11:17

Honesty the best policy in a new relationship, I told my now wife my whole life story including some things which I'm not proud of. I even told her about things I'd done in school which had gotten me in to trouble (suspended!).

I'm suprised your partner thought he could hide this from you considering his brother seems loose lipped!

NigellasDealer · 28/03/2014 11:18

oh yes i know someone who did time for murder after a 'bar fight that got out of hand' well he picked up a beer keg and smashed the other guy with it....
ohh boo hoo not his fault!
and there were actually people in London putting on a benefit gig for him!
ffs.

PartialFancy · 28/03/2014 11:19

Cross post. Oh dear, as Nomama says, a lot to think over.

saintlyjimjams · 28/03/2014 11:21

I'd worry about his temper, given the crime (& it must have been pretty bad). But you presumably have seen some of that.

Original poster

Milly101 · 28/03/2014 11:22

Sanity seen some of what ?

OP posts:

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 28/03/2014 11:24

I'd be gutted. That's a huge secret to keep. Certainly not fair to get I the point of buying a house and not telling you such important stuff about himself.

It's not the prison thing (though if it was a violent crime, I'd leave him). It's the LYING. And it IS lying.

I'd wonder what else he was keeping a secret.

I'd wonder whether, if something bad happened in the future, his motto would be 'what she doesn't know can't hurt her'. No thanks...

And I'd know that basically he had a dishonest streak.

Not great, all in all.

MeepMeepVroooom · 28/03/2014 11:25

Milly - the 4 years my ex boyfriend was for culpable homicide.

Now I know that sounds awful but it was a fight (instigated by the other party) that went terribly terribly wrong. It probably helped that I had known my ex for a long time prior to what happened and then after. It was 10 years before we got together. We are still very good friends.

I know for he lives in regret every day over it and it has actually made him a very level headed man now. He would always walk away from a fight regardless of the circumstances.

I can understand it's hard to take in but don't jump to conclusions that he is some monster. So many 20-30 year olds have at one point or another been involved in some kind of fight. Nobody ever thinks they will hit someone so hard it could result in a charge like that.

However I also do think that he should have told you from day one. By not doing that I'm not sure if I could trust him.

Think it over, feel free to PM but most of all make the decision that is right for you. You are entitled to feel how you like about this information.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 28/03/2014 11:26

X-post.

ATTEMPTED MURDER?????

I'd be gone. Sorry. 'Got out of hand?' No way would I have children with someone capable of the level of violence that getting that conviction would mean.

TheBeautifulVisit · 28/03/2014 11:26

So someone nearly died and he laughed about it with his brother? Nice.

edamsavestheday · 28/03/2014 11:26

That's quite some crime... has he got control of his temper now? Ever been in trouble for anything else since? Do you think he's got a quick/nasty temper now? Have you seen any signs of aggression?

It might affect things that will have an impact on you. For instance, foreign holidays (esp. America), his employment - not sure for how long you have to declare a serious crime like that to future employers (if he did not, and he should, he can very probably be sacked for gross misconduct).

Did he show any remorse or concern for his victim?

SoleSource · 28/03/2014 11:27

Ooh moo I wouldn't feel happy about this but maybe it was self defence?

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