Just found out my partner has been in prison

[Milly101]

We have just bought our first together after dating for 18 or so months, we were round at his brother and sils house for dinner a few nights ago and the conversation came around to the max Clifford trial and if he got found guilty how long his prison sentence would be, his brother then says to dp "you'd know all about that" dp laughed it of and changed the subject.
When we got back to my place I asked him what his brother had ment by that, it turns out he served a 3 year prison sentence in his early 20s(he is now 36 and never been in trouble since)
I'm shattered my thinking of him has changed, I can't work out if I have any right to de disappointed annoyed or upset.
Any thoughts would appreciated.

[Milly101]

He laughed of the comment not the crime ffs

[saintlyjimjams]

I mean you presumably know what his temper is like by now OP. And what he's like when he's been drinking.

[MeepMeepVroooom]

saintly

Just because someone has once been involved in a fight doesn't mean they are a violent person all the time.

The OP doesn't sound like she is scared of this man so presumably no he has never shown to have an excessively bad temper.

[MeepMeepVroooom]

And a fight that was over 10 years ago at that.

[Milly101]

He doesn't drink ve never seen him lose his temper or even raise his voice , he is the most laid back man I've ever met

[givemeaclue]

Fights don't end with attempted murder convictions, trying to kill someone does. The other person obviously came off a lot worse.

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

He has lied to you for your entire relationship about a massively, fundamentally important fact about himself that he would have known might make a difference to whether you could accept a relationship with him.

I cannot think of a bigger red flag.

[Nomama]

Woah! Milly, you know you will get a hard time now.

But you know him better than us. If he is being up front with you now you know then you can make better decisions for yourself.

It is entirely possible that what happened is exactly as he described. There but for the grace of, etc. I worked in pubs when I was younger and some of the drunken brawls were horrendous, out of character and dangerously out of control. I don't think DH would have become involved but BIL most certainly was. So I wouldn't condemn out of hand.

I can only repeat what I said earlier, keep talking, keep taking your time to digest it and make up your mind based upon what you know.

Good luck.

[TheBeautifulVisit]

And btw the bit about him saying it was a bar fight gone wrong. Hmm. The standard of proof for a jury to convict someone for attempted murder is beyond reasonable doubt. So a jury found that your boyfriend, beyond reasonably doubt, intended to kill someone.

[Twinklestein]

Woah, seriously attempted murder? That's some fucking bar fight.

If it had been ABH you could say things got out of hand and he ended up hurting someone by mistake. If it was GBH then you would have to accept that he intended to hurt the victim. But it's worse than either of those: he was convicted of intending to kill someone. Who's to say it wasn't luck or good medical care that the victim didn't die of his injuries?

For me prison is a deal breaker whatever the sentence is for. But in this case not only is the crime horrific, but he also lied by omission, so he's dishonest to boot. He should have told you from the outset. He's totally betrayed your trust.

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

And yes - 'a fight' - do you honestly think that the kind of violence that could be described as 'a fight' could be dissected in court and judged to be an attempted murder?

Not just a fight, not a chance.

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

'You know him better than us' - well no, you don't, do you? Because he lies to you about the bad bits. Hence this thread.

[MeepMeepVroooom]

givemeaclue

As I've said my ex was in jail for culpable homicide. It was the result of a fight that went very wrong.

Anyone could hit someone and the person fall and crack their head open. You're still responsible even if it's one hit in self defence or retaliation.

It's not as cut and dry and you think.

[TheBeautifulVisit]

He tried to kill someone. He went to prison. And he hasn't been upfront about it. It came out accidentally.
He's not sounding much of a catch, OP.

[edamsavestheday]

If I were you, I'd look up the case. Get the court reports. I can't remember how you do this, but I'm sure someone will know. Local paper is a starting point but may not have covered it, or not have reported all the evidence.

[Twinklestein]

Xpost with thebeautifulvisit - quite.

[Nomama]

And the intervening years?

Too much out of hand condemnation. As MeepMeep said, it is not as cut and dried as you think.

Milly now has a chance to work it out for herself.

[Twinklestein]

MeepMeepVroom - indeed fights can go wrong, it's fairly common, that's why you don't get into them.

[saintlyjimjams]

I didn't say "just because they were in a fight they're violent all the time" meep

I said I'd worry about their temper, especially after having a drink. I also said the OP would presumably by now have some inkling of his temper.

Would I have concerns if I found out my partner had done time for attempted murder. Er yes I would.

[firstchoice]

Hi OP.
It is hard for any of us to know if it was a 'fight that got out of hand' or an attempted murder but clearly a jury thought the latter.

BUT, this is the bit that worries me:

" he says he never thinks about never dwells on it and kinda wiped the memory it never crossed his mind to mention it"

REALLY? he 'kinda wiped the memory it never crossed his mind to mention it".

That level of deceit or denial would worry me.

You have some hard thinking to do.
Best of luck. x.

[Ivehearditallnow]

I know plenty of people that have done time for football related offences & away from that scene they are perfectly nice/normal people.

Real classy, Helpfulchap

• OP sorry, he should have been more up-front with you.
  
• And his brother shouldn't be joking about it.
  
• Wonder how long he would have waited to tell you?
  

I'd be ending things because he witheld something like that tbh, never mind the crime itself. Sounds like a bit of a thug.

x

[Ploppy16]

I think the lying would make me pause more than the prison sentence in all honesty. If he had been upfront about it at the start of the relationship you could have made an informed decision whether to continue or not. The fact that he kept quiet for so long and deceived you in a big way would make me wonder if I wanted to carry on the relationship or not. However I can kind of see why he didn't say anything if the man he was before prison is so much different to the man he is now - people are judgemental and make snap decisions, maybe he wanted to be loved by someone who didn't see him as an ex con.
Quick Q, did he stop drinking due to the fight and prison sentence? Was it a wake up call for him? People can and do change an awful lot, society doesn't always see that though.

[TheBeautifulVisit]

Beyond reasonably doubt is a very good standard of proof. Much better than gut instinct.

[Nomama]

He never dwells on it, kinda wiped the memory...... sounds like a coping mechanism to me.

Many of us have horrendous experiences we block because they are too alien. I wouldn't condemn anyone out of hand, or persist in believing the worst case scenario. I would listen and then come to a considered opinion.