Just found out my partner has been in prison

[Milly101]

We have just bought our first together after dating for 18 or so months, we were round at his brother and sils house for dinner a few nights ago and the conversation came around to the max Clifford trial and if he got found guilty how long his prison sentence would be, his brother then says to dp "you'd know all about that" dp laughed it of and changed the subject.
When we got back to my place I asked him what his brother had ment by that, it turns out he served a 3 year prison sentence in his early 20s(he is now 36 and never been in trouble since)
I'm shattered my thinking of him has changed, I can't work out if I have any right to de disappointed annoyed or upset.
Any thoughts would appreciated.

[TimeForAnotherNameChange]

Total deal breaker for me, for all the reasons Bruno and others have outlined. Get the hell out as fast as you can.

[Quinteszilla]

Bloody Norah!

I would interpret this as him entering a bar with the purpose of (starting a fight and) killing somebody.

I would never trust a person capable of such violence.

[Twinklestein]

I'm really struggling to think of any man that I know that didn't get into a scrap once between the ages of 20 and 30.

Really? I don't know a single man who did.

[colincaterpillar]

I would be running for the hills

1. Lying about it
2. The violent nature
3. Most of all, if there is lack of remorse over it. I understand trying to cover it up to an extent, he will have wanted to have presented the best of himself to you, and whilst that's not fair on you, it is at least logical. Any lack of remorse is worrying. I feel guilty if I've accidentally walked in front of a car and they've had to brake, thinking about the damage you could do to someone's life!

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Scraps? Yes.

Three years for attempted murder - no.

What else wasn't he going to tell you?

[Quinteszilla]

My friends boyfriend had gotten into a brawl in a taxi queue, punched a man on the face, he fell back and cracked his head open on the corner of the pavement. He did not get "attempted murder", he got manslaughter, and it was recognized it was not premeditated. We were 18 and he was 20. Not sure what he is doing now.

People do get into brawls and fights. They rarely end up almost killing somebody in rage.

You might find there are other aspects of his personality that you were not aware of.

[YoDiggity]

I would be saying Bye Bye I think. People who start bar fights are really not my style, and people who take bar fights to the stage where someone gets stabbed/shot/bottled/stamped on in a deliberate attempt to kill them are REALLY not my style.

Presumably this is what happened? I don't think you could argue that someone attempted murder by swinging a punch.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Attempted fucking murder????

That is way more than a fight.

I knew men in our 20s that might have had a scrap (they were idiots and I wouldn't want to date them)

You really don't get 5 years for attempted murder for a fight that escalated.

[betman]

I agree with Bruno. We are not talking about a bar fight gone wrong, someone hitting head awkwardly after being punched etc. Attempted murder means that he has all intention to kill the person!

I barely know anyone who got into a scrap in their 20s!

[YoDiggity]

Twinkle I am so glad you said that. I have had conversations with people who seem to think it's an entirely normal rite of passage to go out with your mates and end up in a huge pub fight of a Saturday. they say it as though it's unavoidable.

It really isn't, unless you are either

a) the blameless victim

b) an utter dick.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Another point...

Why is his brother laughing and talking about it light heartedly anyway???

If that happened in our family it would NEVER be mentioned in jest. Ever.

[SpringBreak]

What Bruno says. There are a variety of different charges available to the CPS, and based on the evidence they selected the one that required them to demonstrate beyond reasonable doubt that this individual had INTENDED (but failed in his attempt) to kill someone. A jury of 12 were suitably convinced by the evidence that he INTENDED to kill. A fight that gets out of hand and leads to someone with an eggshell skull banging their head on a kerb and being killed isn't murder / attempted murder.
This person has a proven history of intentional extreme violence and now appears to be a liar as well.
Get the f*ck out.

[YoDiggity]

I am really concerned that you have actually gone as far as buying a house with this guy and yet this pretty massive thing has only just been disclosed to you by accident.

You don't seem to actually know him very well.

[OxfordBags]

Meep, I don't know any men who got into scrapes, fights whatever, excpet for one friend who was attacked by some drunken idiots. I seem to be related to, and attracted to, as friends or partners, men who feel no need to be dickswinging thugs who cannot control themselves or their drinking, or who feel entitled to hurt others. Y'know, normal men. Like normal women don't do that shit. Normal people.

As others have said, OP, attempted murder does not mean 'really hurting someone in the heat of the moment, not realising how far you were going' - that would have meant he'd have been charged with something else. Attempted murder means a conscious, deliberate choice to try to take the life of another human being. Believing you have the right to kill.

If he really hasn't thought about him wanting and trying to kill someone, for over ten years, he is either lying, or a stunningly cold psychopath. If you had almost killed someone, wouldn't you be wracked with guilt over it, daily?!

Then add to this his lying to you over it. Being in prison for making a decision to kill another person is something pretty big. Someone who is genuinely a decent, moral person, with even the slightest insight into their behaviour and crime, would want to let potential/new partners know, so they can make their minds up about continuing a relationship with them.

He is really not looking like catch of the year. I would run for the hills, personally. The family must be awful too, colluding in keeping this secret and sweeping it under the carpet.

[Gen35]

Op I think you need to talk to him more. If you can really trust him never to drink it might be ok but tbh the not telling you is a huge red flag, maybe you don't tell someone for 6 months but you tell someone this when it looks like a serious relationship. If you were my dd, I'd always be worried he'd snap, life's tough and having dc, illnesses, job loss etc pushes you to your limits.

[Milly101]

Bruno you need to get your facts right, at what point did I say he was found guilty by a jury ?? He pleaded guilty right away there is no such thing as abh or Gbh where we are
And op we don't have a mortage so there was no "fraud" as you put it

[Gretagumbo]

Um don't know if Claire's law would apply here allows you to enquire from the police about a partners past to assess whether you are at risk. Just worth a mention xxx

[Gen35]

Personally I reckon his brother was tipping you off by mentioning it, they may have been worried you didn't know.

[Quinteszilla]

Agree with Gen.

[MeepMeepVroooom]

That's fair enough. I literally cannot think of one man that at one point hasn't had a tumble with someone.

It could be self defence, it could be retaliation, it could be they started it but they have all at one point or another hit someone else.

I can only actually think of one who started it and that was my ex when another man grabbed me very aggressively in a nightclub when I was about 21.

[MorrisZapp]

Why did you start this thread, milly?

As for the poster who mentioned 'football related offences' I'm intrigued to learn more about these crimes against footballs.

[FabBakerGirl]

You are very defensive, OP, when people are just trying to help.

[MorrisZapp]

None of the men I know have 'scrapped'. Bloody hell.

[Armadale]

Milly, this must be a really big shock for you

I think a lot of posters on this thread are concerned for your welfare and trying to help.

I think because you are loyal to your partner and want to defend him you might be missing some of that help.

AFAIK there is nowhere that there is no lesser charge than attempted murder.

Even if it is not called GBH where you are, I guarantee you that there will be a lesser charge if his behaviour had warranted it.

He chose to plead guilty to attempted murder. Think about that.

[MeepMeepVroooom]

We have just bought our first together after dating for 18 or so months

What did you buy together OP? I think many have assumed the missing word was house. I did too.