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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out my partner has been in prison

311 replies

Milly101 · 28/03/2014 11:01

We have just bought our first together after dating for 18 or so months, we were round at his brother and sils house for dinner a few nights ago and the conversation came around to the max Clifford trial and if he got found guilty how long his prison sentence would be, his brother then says to dp "you'd know all about that" dp laughed it of and changed the subject.
When we got back to my place I asked him what his brother had ment by that, it turns out he served a 3 year prison sentence in his early 20s(he is now 36 and never been in trouble since)
I'm shattered my thinking of him has changed, I can't work out if I have any right to de disappointed annoyed or upset.
Any thoughts would appreciated.

OP posts:
saintlyjimjams · 29/03/2014 10:31

Where is OP. The caravan thread sounded UK (talk of council tax etc)

Offred · 29/03/2014 10:35

Surely the only logical conclusion to draw from this thread is that pretty much everyone will be shocked at the offence but some people will give him a chance provided he is honest. No-one will if he covers it up and lies.

Definitely not "shit I'd better never tell anyone if I want a relationship ever". What's clear is the only chance of a relationship working out is being upfront and demonstrating that you know what happened, take responsibility for it and have changed.

That's why they don't approve parole for people who are still claiming they are innocent - horrible if it is a miscarriage of justice, but they don't consider you safe to be released unless you can demonstrate a level of honesty, responsibility and repentance which is supposed to show you won't do it again.

tribpot · 29/03/2014 10:37

Yes - there was talk of his salary in £ as well although in fairness the OP may have been converting the currency Hmm

YoDiggity · 29/03/2014 10:51

If there could be an award for maximum amount of words generated by an OP with minimum words, this lady gets it. Caravan thread was 10 pages plus of MNers arguing the virtues of caravan living while the OP grudgingly threw in a haiku every three pages or so.

I'm seeing a pattern.

So true Morris Grin

Lots of threads seem to go that way, with an OP who has dissolved into thin air after three short posts, and six million MNers so busy arguing the toss that they haven't noticed!

Apocalypto · 29/03/2014 10:52

I'm starting to like this guy, he's playing it brilliantly

He just needs to find someone like Amberleaf or Meepmeepvroom and he's sorted

Everyone else is just judgin im innit

YoDiggity · 29/03/2014 10:57

Actually if you take what's been said across the two threads put together, so much doesn't make sense.

He is only 36 and earns £20 an hour, and yet has accumulated enough money to buy a bungalow outright, and own a top of the range caravan. That's not bad going for someone who didn't work at all for three years while in prison, is it?

Also, unless he lives in an area where there is a caravan park on every street corner I'm not sure how he's managed to stay put in one area long enough to actually forge what could be called a proper relationship, as the OP doesn't seem to live and travel with him. Confused

Lastly I am very HmmConfused about his friend seeing the thread and showing it to him, resulting in an immediate marriage proposal and cash down on the bungalow. That's too simplistic and far fetched even for a soap opera.

AmberLeaf · 29/03/2014 11:04

Your logic has failed because this thread doesn't actually give any reason to lie given everyone said they would dump a liar and not everyone said they would dump him if he was upfront... Just why does that give someone a reason to lie?

I expect his own real life experiences of telling people would be what gave him a reason to lie, not what a load of people on MN think and TBH, what people say they would do on here and what they would actually do in RL, are often miles apart.

If his real life experience mirrors what people have said here, then those who would give him a chance if he was up front are very much in the minority.

So if he tells say 10 people the truth upfront, only 1 will give him the time of day afterwards.

I can see why those stats would make a person want to keep it to themselves, regardless if it ended up coming out in the end, I expect they would hope that by that time, they had proved themselves 'worthy' to the other person concerned.

This is not to say I approve of doing that, but I can see why someone else would do that. Looking at it from his POV doesn't mean I agree with what he has done, but I am amazed that most people here fail to even try to grasp why someone would conceal something like that. What he has done/is doing is not about the OP, it is about him and what he does to deal with the everlong fallout of his crime and jail time.

AmberLeaf · 29/03/2014 11:06

I'm starting to like this guy, he's playing it brilliantly

He just needs to find someone like Amberleaf or Meepmeepvroom and he's sorted

Everyone else is just judgin im innit

Oh do fuck off.

AmberLeaf · 29/03/2014 11:09

Apocalypto

If you read my posts, you will see that all I have talked about is that I can see why someone would conceal the truth about such a conviction/lie by omission.

Please show me where I have given any opinion on being in a relationship with someone convicted of a violent offence? or said that I would be with someone who had that sort of conviction?

HelloBoys · 29/03/2014 11:13

Has no one seen? He admits he has a drink problem. He sounds a loner hence caravan. Oh and the lies.

Just takes one of these nutters to go mental one day with a gun or whatever then everyone says "oh he seemed ok".

And for what it's worth even though I've known people including my brother who can be violent I in no way condone it and if a man did tell me about attempted murder even GBH or ABH I'd be out of there unless he'd had help, anger management and it'd worked. I value my life to much to risk someone flaring up and attacking me.

Offred · 29/03/2014 11:30

Yes, I have said numerous times I understand why he might lie and that that is the reason I would dump him for lying. Have you not read the posts?

Offred · 29/03/2014 11:32

The lying is his choice, people's reactions would not have made him do it. Earlier you were trying to blame other people's reactions for his lies otherwise why bother posting at all.

AmberLeaf · 29/03/2014 11:51

I wasn't blaming anyone for anything.

I was empathising [while not condoning] with what could lead a person to take that course of action.

His experience of peoples reactions could entirely influence how candid he chooses to be about his past. That isn't blaming those that react. It's just understanding to an extent what influences the choices people make.

MeepMeepVroooom · 29/03/2014 12:09

Haha no not for me. My Dad would kill me if I brought home another man who has done time. I'm on a strict vetting plan apparently.

But truthfully I have said circumstances dependant I could accept the charge, the lapse of time and subsequent behaviour would be paramount. The hiding it from me I couldn't.

Offred · 29/03/2014 13:03

^"Going by many of the posts here, I am not surprised at a person who has been to prison, not being upfront about it.

This is a very black and white issue for some people."^

Was your first post amberleaf... Hmm

AmberLeaf · 29/03/2014 13:20

Yes...and?

It does seem to be a very black and white issue for many.

I have elaborated as to why I can see some ex cons would be backwards in coming forwards, as it seems common for people to totally switch off once they hear 'jail'

That is not for the third? time blaming those others who reacted, for person A lying, it is just a possible reason why person A made the choice to conceal, based on experience of how the disclosure goes down with people. Person A is responsible for that choice of course. People tend to do what they think is best for themselves, even if they get it wrong sometimes.

I am not saying lying about it is the right thing to do, I am saying that I can see how someone might feel it was best to, however misguided they are in thinking that.

AmberLeaf · 29/03/2014 13:28

This thread has been full of conjecture about why he lied to the OP and what this means about her and how he views her/ will treat her etc.

My point, was that really, this is probably very little to do with the OP, it is probably more about a pattern of behavior this man has developed over the years, to 'get by' after serving a prison sentence for such a crime.

Comments about his nomadic lifestyle and the work he does, that's what many people who have a criminal record have to do. It is hard to get a job when you have a record to disclose. what should he do? give up?

In saying all of that, I am not saying the OP should be with him, I am trying to put across that ex cons often have to live differently, that in itself doesn't necessarily make them bad or shady. It is just the way it is and what they have to do.

Offred · 29/03/2014 13:51

No-one has disagreed with you about why he lied. No-one had failed to see it from his POV. What people have said is what his choices to lie would mean for them and why. With that in mind I don't get why you would be labouring the point so much if it wasn't because you thought people should change their responses to his choices.

I'm glad you now seem to accept that that is wrong though.

I've explained that there is a rational basis to my POV that a person who is not honest and responsible about something like this is a person that cannot be trusted to have changed - it is the same assessment parole boards make about a prisoner's relative risk to the public on release...

Offred · 29/03/2014 13:53

It's not conjecture, it's risk assessment. Lies = risky. Yes he may have changed and you may finish the relationship for no reason but ending a relationship is less bad than someone physically attacking you so therefore the balance of risk falls on the side of ending a relationship with a liar in this case...

To do anything else would be very silly indeed.

AmberLeaf · 29/03/2014 14:11

No-one has disagreed with you about why he lied

Not directly, but many have given opinions that oppose what I am saying, which is fine, but it is also fine for me to respond.

No-one had failed to see it from his POV

I think many have actually, but again, that is their right. Same as it is fine for me to offer an alternative opinion.

With that in mind I don't get why you would be labouring the point so much if it wasn't because you thought people should change their responses to his choices

Look, I quoted you and asked you a question, I wasn't to know that you would take that as an excuse to be rude and insulting, I was under the impression this was a discussion.

I don't think anyone should change their responses, I don't much care TBH.

I haven't been labouring the point. I am replying to your ever more rude replies to me.

I'm glad you now seem to accept that that is wrong though

Ha! No I don't, because I didn't think it in the first place.

Lweji · 29/03/2014 14:15

To be fair to him it doesn't seem like he tried to conceal it. It came up now in conversation and he immediately owned up to it.

As I said before I'm more worried that he didn't seem particularly embarrassed or repentant. He laughed it off when it was first mentioned to his partner. And that makes me worried that he may not have a moral compass.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 29/03/2014 15:07

Is the OP ever coming back?

hellymelly · 29/03/2014 15:22

OP might be in Scotland or Ireland where the sentencing system differs.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 29/03/2014 16:02

Surely the conviction explains the caravan? Would he not have trouble getting a loan/mortgage with the conviction?

I discovered my XDP had done jail time after I booted him out. He lied for 7 years by omission. He did jail time for something I suspect he did throughout our relationship but I could never be 100% sure and that was receiving stolen goods. He got a reduced sentence cos he dobbed the other bloke in apparently. I lost even more respect for him (if that were possible) when I discovered that! I was bloody furious about his lying by omission and would have left him after 18months as it's a big thing to not come clean about to the one person that is supposed to mean so much to you that you are moving in and making a home together.

hellymelly · 29/03/2014 17:14

The caravan could be down to him needing to keep away from some very dodgy people....I wonder who else was involved, and what the fracas was about. Moving every couple of weeks? Smacks of on the run from something, or someone.

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