Just found out my partner has been in prison

[Milly101]

We have just bought our first together after dating for 18 or so months, we were round at his brother and sils house for dinner a few nights ago and the conversation came around to the max Clifford trial and if he got found guilty how long his prison sentence would be, his brother then says to dp "you'd know all about that" dp laughed it of and changed the subject.
When we got back to my place I asked him what his brother had ment by that, it turns out he served a 3 year prison sentence in his early 20s(he is now 36 and never been in trouble since)
I'm shattered my thinking of him has changed, I can't work out if I have any right to de disappointed annoyed or upset.
Any thoughts would appreciated.

[TimeForAnotherNameChange]

X post with Meep - I think a person's attitude to the value of life does define them for all time.

[daniel28]

I served a year during my early 20's for a fight that got out of control. I'm not violent or don't have anger issues, it was just something that happened in the heat of the moment. Since my release, I have never had a fight and have created a really good life for myself.

Without trying to make this about myself, you should realise that this man has served his punishment. If you were to think differently of him and issues were caused from this, that means he is still being punished. Sometimes, a stretch inside can be the making of someone which it sounds like it might be with your bloke.

Judge him on his behaviour and the way he treats people now, not a decade ago.

[meditrina]

If he can conceal something like this from you, what else might there be for you to find out.

Do not move in with him until you are much more sure there are no other major omissions (or have you already given up your place?)

[TimeForAnotherNameChange]

But Daniel - did you attempt to willingly and knowingly murder someone? A fight that got out of control is entirely different, as has been repeatedly pointed out during the thread.

[MeepMeepVroooom]

Maybe it's just all the people I know

And there was me thinking they were a respectable bunch.

I appreciate the difference if it was intended but as I have said if someone punches someone in self defence they may not consider that when they punch the person could fall and crack their head open.

I have also said that an ex of mine received 8 years (served 4) for culpable homicide. He did not want that man dead. He was protecting himself and he is not an evil man.

In fact he is one of the nicest men I know.

[betman]

For me personally I could possibly be with someone who accidentally killed someone, if they fell over badly after being punched or a rta (depending on circumstances) but I could not ever be with someone who actively TRIED to murder someone. That's my opinion.

[TimeForAnotherNameChange]

Exactly Meep, the circumstances are not the same. This man actively tried to kill somebody and admitted it. That leaves the OP with precisely nowhere to go in my opinion.

[Stockhausen]

Agree, pleading guilty does not make him a hero. More likely his lawyer knew he'd be found guilty & by pleading guilty, he might get a lesser sentence. Be under no illusions, that the guilty plea probably benefited him, more than anyone.

[meditrina]

"Judge him on his behaviour and the way he treats people now, not a decade ago."

His "now" encompasses concealing major life events. OK, it's not early date stuff. But at some point in 18 months and the run up to cohabitation, it really ought to have been mentioned.

[HelloBoys]

Attempted murder?!

I can see the bar fight that got out of hand but I've known men who've been inside for drugs smuggling, murder (acquaintances not friends!) and GBH/ABH and robbery. Unsurprisingly most of them want to keep it quiet now. I will say this, a lot of the men in their late 20's/30's actually got married, settled down and behaved, indeed one of the men (no convictions just knew the others) is a barristers' clerk.

The attempted murder is way more serious than just GBH/ABH. This could impact eg if you ever wanted to emigrate, if he's disclosed it for jobs etc. Not read to end of thread yet though!

[MeepMeepVroooom]

But did he actually want the man dead? I think only the OPs partner could answer that.

He maybe didn't want him dead but hit him hard enough for the guy to have surgery or be in ICU.

I would assume the guilty plea was to try and lessen the sentence.

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

The fact that he pleaded guilty is not really indicative of his strength of character. Judges often look favourably on you if you plead guilty and you may get time off your sentence. If you go to trial and are subsequently found guilty, then you won't be looked upon favourably. Attempted murder is a very, very long way away from GBH/ABH.
And FWIW, DH hasn't been in fights in his 20s, 30s or 40s . Nor have any of our social/family group. Don't think that's that unusual tbh!

[prh47bridge]

Some people on this thread are going way over the top with the nature of the crime, implying (or even stating as fact) things that the sentence alone tells us didn't happen.

Attempted murder carries a maximum penalty of life imprisonment. The lowest starting point for sentencing purposes is 9 years which applies in cases where the attempt to kill is spontaneous (i.e. not planned) and there is little or no physical or psychological harm. Mitigating factors that could take the sentence down as low as 5 years include a high level of provocation and the offender only playing a minor role in the offence. To get down this low it is likely that both mitigating factors were present.

So the low sentence strongly suggests he was involved in a fight in a bar where he (and presumably others involved) were subject to severe provocation and there was an attempt to kill someone in which he played a minor role. It was unplanned and there was no weapon involved - there is no way he would have got away with only 5 years if the offence was planned or if he had used a weapon.

[TimeForAnotherNameChange]

Meep neither of those situations would result in a charge of attempted murder, nor a plea of guilty to that charge. It's lovely that you're trying to see the best in this situation, but it's not a comment on your ex you know, it's a comment solely on the man the OP describes. He wanted another human being dead and admitted that.

[saintlyjimjams]

Another one who doesn't know many men who got into fights in their 20's. A few? Yes - but they were twats & I certainly wouldn't have been in a relationship with them.

[NotNewButNameChanged]

Daniel - to a point, yes, 10 years is a long time and you should judge people on how they treat others now. But that leaves you with the fact that he chose to conceal something the majority of people would find pretty damned important to what should be the most important person in his life.

[prh47bridge]

Oh, and the person who was allegedly the target of the attempt to kill came to little or no actual harm.

[TimeForAnotherNameChange]

prh - but there still has to be present an intention to kill, pre-meditated or not. I don't see how anyone can get away from that fact?

[NotNewButNameChanged]

prh You are also jumping to conclusions! What tariffs are you quoting there? For which country? I don't believe the OP has told us where she is from but the fact that she tells us that GBH and ABH aren't available where she is (which baffles me, tbh) means you could also be wrong.

[ElsieMc]

My GS's father has just served a term for GBH. It is pretty rare to go to this level of violence from nothing. He was charged with section 20 GBH which is without intent whereas section 18 is with intent and can carry a very long jail stretch.

I do not know what your partner was charged with but it sounds like an offence with intent or premeditation rather than a "fight that got out of hand". It is also very commonplace to plead self defence.

The point I am making is that this is a very long sentence indeed and that in itself is very worrying. Did he plead not guilty and put the matter through a trial? This would carry a longer sentence.

What about his past offending which would be taken into account in the sentence. In our case he had ten other violent offences (which we did not know about) including a child.

Whilst I completely understand that you need to understand him and accept what he has done, it is very telling that he has not discussed this with you before.

I worked in a role where the company were willing to employ ex-offenders, but when someone told me they had served three years plus then it was incredibly serious. For example, a young girl had been in prison for drugs offences was asked how long her sentence was and she replied three years, it was dealing heroin.

There will be more, I guarantee it.

[MorrisZapp]

What does this guy do for a living? What country are you in? What have you just bought together?

Pointless posting if the details given are so scant then getting angry when people try to fill in the blanks.

[MeepMeepVroooom]

I know it's not a comment on my ex. I've only mentioned it as an example that things aren't always as they seem.

I feel a bit sorry for the guy if he's genuinely a good man and loves his girlfriend and just made a very bad mistake 10+ years ago that he is still suffering repercussions from.

However I have said before, whilst (man and situation dependant) the charge wouldn't bother me. The lying would.

[HelloBoys]

meep - even wanting the man to be seriously injured (glassed etc) is enough of a doubt (I hesitate to say crime) here for me personally to not want to be involved.

I am struggling as to where OP is that she doesn't have GBH/ABH and just attempted murder.

For me, if he's lied re this what else has he lied about? Did he have a probation officer, has he got a record? i sort of have a little experience here as I temped with Probation Services in UK. Many were sad stories, some didn't offend before, some did, some fitted up for crime, some not. Some did appalling things especially to animals and got away with community service.

It looks as if either way she'll stand by him.

[TimeForAnotherNameChange]

Really? That your potential life partner actively wanted to kill someboday wouldn't bother you? At all? Wow. It's a pretty fundamental thing to think, surely? I can't imagine ever accepting that in a person.

[MeepMeepVroooom]

It didn't bother me that my partner did kill someone so no I think I could get over the charge depending on the situation.