Just found out my partner has been in prison

[Milly101]

We have just bought our first together after dating for 18 or so months, we were round at his brother and sils house for dinner a few nights ago and the conversation came around to the max Clifford trial and if he got found guilty how long his prison sentence would be, his brother then says to dp "you'd know all about that" dp laughed it of and changed the subject.
When we got back to my place I asked him what his brother had ment by that, it turns out he served a 3 year prison sentence in his early 20s(he is now 36 and never been in trouble since)
I'm shattered my thinking of him has changed, I can't work out if I have any right to de disappointed annoyed or upset.
Any thoughts would appreciated.

[K8Middleton]

Why are you lashing out at people on here?

Your attempts to minimise what he has done are a little strange.

And just fyi, the use of a question marks indicate questions, not accusations or statements. Oh, and YOU are the op. Op = original poster.

[TimeForAnotherNameChange]

Are you not in the UK then OP? It still doesn't make a blind bit of difference you know, there's not a snowball's chance in hell that he would have been advised and encouraged to plead guilty by his solicitor/barrister if the evidence wasn't utterly overwhelming. And by admitting it, he's telling you HE INTENDED TO KILL SOMEONE. HE ACTUALLY WANTED TO KILL SOMEONE. Doesn't that make you stop breathing, the malice, the evil of it? Run like fuck while you still can.

[Covalone78]

Sadly as is all too common here, some try to help whilst a constant few quickly leap onto the moral high-ground preaching utter twaddle and making assumptions where facts are missing. Those few are pretty dangerous folk to have around in any circumstance.

[qo]

I know somebody who has been in prison for drug dealing.

Prison actually worked for this man, he re-trained whilst inside and now has a good job because of that.

He has NEVER been in trouble again, and I'm talking 12 years here.
Nor would he want to - being deprived of being in his kids lives for 3 years was enough of a detterent to him, as well as the rehabilitation he recieved.

He's a lovely lovely man, one who I am proud to call my friend - I actually dated him myself 6 years ago. I feel bad for him when people hold his prison sentence against him, even now 12 years on.

although he does readily offer the information up - I can see why some people would try to keep it hidden

[tribpot]

BrunoBrookes has made the point I was going to - whilst any kind of fighting is unacceptable, attempted murder means the jury believed that the OP's partner intended to kill the person he was fighting with. It's not a bar fight that got out of hand or a bar fight where someone unluckily fell in such a way that they sustained a head injury. He intended to kill this person.

And never mentioned it - leaving OP without the choice about whether she wanted to move in with someone with this kind of violent past. Maybe she still would have done - he appears to have changed and may deeply regret what he did. But lying took the choice away.

How do you actually know he's never been in trouble since, OP? Because he says so?

[FabBakerGirl]

My husband has never hit anyone in his life or been in any kind of fight.

[qo]

tribpot - there was no jury

[Milly101]

He chose to plead guilt because he was guilty, when we spoke he never sugar coated it he says he deserved to go to prison and he did go to prison he didn't complain about the length of sentence or appeal it because he was guilty

[tribpot]

x-posted. Not sure that it makes it better that he pleaded guilty, other than that means he believed himself he intended to kill the person.

[TwoLeftSocks]

What's your gut instinct Milly?

[cardamomginger]

I think it depends on what it was for, how long ago it was, what changes they have made in their life since then and what their attitude is towards themselves as they were then and what they did.

I know someone in his late 40s who was in prison when he was much much younger for violent crime. He is has turned his life around completely, turned his back on that lifestyle and the social group he was with at that time, and is remorseful for what he did. He is one of the most honest, trustworthy and decent people I have met and I like him very much.

I think you need to know a bit more about his attitude to what he did and what changes he has made. I'd be concerned that he hadn't told you and I'd want to know more about why.

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

Perhaps you need to provide those facts, if you think they're relevant?

However, I'm not sure I see the difference with him confessing - that what the prosecution service decided to charge him with. Based on what happened.

And you live in a place where there's no suitable charge for injuring someone in a fight that got out of hand, so if that happens, you're automatically convicted of attempted murder? My, that does sound like bullshit.

But - it doesn't matter what I think. Or really what anyone else thinks.

You're defending him. What's your defence for him lying to you about it all? That you believe that he 'forgot' and never thinks about it?

If you can convince yourself of that, then you really do have a problem. At the very least, open your eyes and start assessing this person critically, before you get in any deeper with them. Please. And certainly before you end up tied to them for life through a child.

[SpringBreak]

rehabilitation is one thing - joking and lying about a conviction he pleaded guilty on doesn't suggest rehabilitation.
And in my view there's quite a yawning gulf between a conviction for selling drugs to willing purchasers and intending to kill somebody, in terms of the potential for future effects on a life partner. Your friend couldn't have a sudden lapse and accidentally sell drugs to his girlfriend.

[MeepMeepVroooom]

I think that's the main thing right now. How do you feel about it? Do you think you can continue the relationship knowing this information?

[K8Middleton]

If the moral high ground is for people who think attempted murder is a bad thing then I think you'll find most of us here Covalone

[cardamomginger]

His brother's comment, 'you'd know all about that', also strikes me as a bid odd.

[Ivehearditallnow]

This is all a bit Jeremy Kyle for me - if you don't think there's a prob with him trying to kill someone and then keeping it from you, stay.
If you think he sounds rough as fuck and like a lying scumbag, go.

Good luck, I'm out x

[Milly101]

Twoleftsocks, I just can't get my head round it ive never seen a hint of aggression temper or rage I've never even heard him raise his voice

[NotNewButNameChanged]

Meep - I am a man and I am 40. I didn't get into a scrap between the ages of 20 and 30. Or 30 and 40. Or 10 and 20.

And there is a BIG deal of difference between "a scrap" and a fight serious enough to lead to a charge of attempted murder rather than affray, ABH, GBH etc.

[OxfordBags]

Admitting it just means he was truthful about his chosen intention to try to murder somebody. This not mitigate the fact that he tried to kill someone, ffs!

[Stockhausen]

DH is pushing 50 & never been in a fight.

I'd be seriously worried, I'd feel deceived & I'd worry what else might come out.

In my experience, you are not jailed for 3 years (assuming he got out early, his original sentence could have been up to 6yrs?) if it's a first offence, and you've previously kept you nose clean...

Also, attempted murder would make me very very wary... I'd have thought more Actual bodily harm, serious assault or grievous bodily harm... it's a big leap to attempted murder & says to me it must have a very nasty & sustained attack... Not something I could forgive easily & not something I'd like to live with, a person capable of that.

[MeepMeepVroooom]

Nobody is saying that attempted murder is a good think K8, people are saying that something that happened over 10 years ago doesn't define someone as a person for all eternity.

[TimeForAnotherNameChange]

You can think what you like and that's fine by me Covalone, but it makes me sad that some people are advocating settling for a man who has admitted wanting to take someone else's life. I can't see how that fundamental attitude to human life can ever really change in a person, I just can't.

[SophieElmer]

Choosing to plead guilty, could be because he feels terrible guilt for what he did, he assumes a shorter sentence, because he doesn't want to drag himself or the victim through the horrors of a trial, or so he can get on with his sentence as quickly as possible without it looming over him until a suitable date arises. I wouldn't read too much into that.

In your shoes I would find out as much as possible about the incidence and then I would have two major decisions to make. Can I live with the actions he took that night? Am I comfortable that he withheld it from me?

[Gen35]

Or honestly just worried about the op. I'd love to say, yes give him a chance, people can change! But there's a reason a violent crime of this nature would worry most people if someone they loved was involved with someone with this history. Good luck op, I know it's really hard to accept when you've finally found a lovely guy.