Just found out my partner has been in prison

[Milly101]

We have just bought our first together after dating for 18 or so months, we were round at his brother and sils house for dinner a few nights ago and the conversation came around to the max Clifford trial and if he got found guilty how long his prison sentence would be, his brother then says to dp "you'd know all about that" dp laughed it of and changed the subject.
When we got back to my place I asked him what his brother had ment by that, it turns out he served a 3 year prison sentence in his early 20s(he is now 36 and never been in trouble since)
I'm shattered my thinking of him has changed, I can't work out if I have any right to de disappointed annoyed or upset.
Any thoughts would appreciated.

[Ivehearditallnow]

OP did you mean in original post you bought your own flat/house together?

Scary you're involved financially with someone who would withold something like that...

Forgive me but something like that and then him and his brother laughing about it sounds a bit chavvy to me - sorry if I sound like a snob. But it's all a bit naff.

[Finney2]

I spend a lot of time in courts. You don't go down for attempted murder for a fight that got a bit out of hand. You'd may be be charged with a public order offence, or ABH or even GBH, but for it to be attempted murder the prosecution has to show you intended to kill someone.

Plus, he has intentionally kept this hugely important information from you.

I'd struggle to stay, tbh.

[QueenofallIsee]

A friend of mine got into an altercation after a football match - he pushed a chap who was shouting at him, who then fell and hit his head hard on the kerb. He is brain damaged. My friend served a prison sentence but is NOT an aggressive dangerous person with a temper, he is a nice man who made a mistake. He still feels terrible guilt over what happened.
You BF has made a mistake too, in that he should have told you about this. I assume that there was no permanent damage done to the other person and he has served time appropriate to his actions based on the rules of our society.
I would be looking for 1) remorse 2) recognition that this kind of secrecy is a deal breaker for you 3) understanding of his actions and that he learned from them.

Mistakes are not the measure of a man, how he fixes them is.

[Twinklestein]

If this had been a domestic violence conviction everyone would be telling the OP to leave now. Would posters really be saying, 'Oh well it was 10 years again, people change'. Would you really want to take the risk?

I do not think that the OP has any assurance that because this conviction was for a man that she has nothing to worry about.

[saintlyjimjams]

I know someone who was killed in this sort of incident. A man was trying to queue jump, he asked him to wait his turn, queue jumper punched him & he died. Family left behind (including children) devastated.

I'd struggle tbh. I would be uncomfortable being around someone who I knew could snap that easily. Even if it was only drink fuelled. Friendship? Yes, maybe. Relationship? Hm no.

[FabBakerGirl]

OP

I am interested as to why you posted as it is clear you are going to stay with him. Did you want people to say it was fine to do so as you really want too but want a free pass to do so?

I would be cancelling the house purchase and leaving the relationship[ if it was me. I wouldn't want to be with someone who thinks it is so no big deal he didn't think to tell me or to be in a family where people make jokes about prison sentences.

[Ploppy16]

An old long standing friend of mine killed someone when he drove home drunk. He went to prison for it, has never had an alcoholic drink or driven a car since. That was 11 years ago. There are many people who still, even now refer to him as 'the murderer' despite the fact that he totally changed his life around, was genuinely remorseful and the victim's family forgave him eventually. In the eyes of certain people he is not allowed to be a different man to the one he was over a decade ago. One action has defined him and will probably continue to do so for the rest of his life, it's the same for your OH. As I said, it's not that surprising that he didn't talk about it. As for 'blanking it out?' I would think that it's rubbish, he probably remembers that time in his life all too clearly..

[Armadale]

Sorry OP, but I would be off.

The Mens Rea required to prove attempted murder is an intention to kill, as well as the physical wounding part of the offence.

The same level of physical wounding without this intent to kill would be charged as GBH instead.

[FairPhyllis]

This would be a deal breaker for me.

Any reasonable person knows that someone might not want to have a relationship with someone who has a conviction for serious violence. By not disclosing that early on, and allowing you to get financially entangled with him without knowing, he took away your right to choose whether you want to be in a relationship with a potentially violent person. That does not speak of respect for you.

[LavenderGreen14]

I think the crime is bad enough - but to not tell you as well, makes me want to say run for the hills.

If he had been honest about it when you first met him you could have made an informed choice as to whether you wanted to continue with the relationship - now that has been taken away and you are involved and invested in him that is going to cloud your judgement and you will minimise and try to rationalise his behaviour. The fact you started a thread shows the alarm bells are jangling - whether you want to listen to them is something only you can decide.

I do find his brother joking about it pretty poor taste I must admit.

[LavenderGreen14]

FairPhyllis - cross post.

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

Can I just SHOUT something here, for all the people posting stories about terrible punches that went wrong, accidental killings etc.

THAT'S NOT WHAT HE DID.

He was CONVICTED of ATTEMPTED MURDER.

If he'd almost killed someone in a fight, it would have been GBH, or if the worst happened then 'culpable homicide.'

He was convicted at a trial of INTENDING, TRYING TO KILL THEM. Not just furiously fighting with the red mist down.

Do you have any idea of the level of discussion and examination of evidence that would have led up to that conviction?

He did his best to kill someone, intentionally. He knew what he was doing as he was trying to end their life, and that's why he was deemed dangerous enough to be put away for five years.

[Lweji]

Will you be feel comfortable confronting him when having a fight?
Are you sure a fight with you won't get out of hand?

[NigellasDealer]

i think brunobrookesdinedalone has a point tbh

[Lweji]

Also, attempted murder would mean that there was intent and planning to commit murder.
Which would mean him getting a weapon, for example, to attack someone else. Not just a punch.

[TwoLeftSocks]

It's good that he's laid back and not drinking, but that's still a big deal!

Just a thought, if you had any concerns about anything, would the new Clare's Law be of help?

Just popped into my head and I don't know much about it, but if you weren't aware of his time inside then there could potentially be other stuff you don't know about. Or he could be completely clean since it happened. You'd still have to figure out what to do but extra knowledge might help.

Link to a useful looking guide

[MinesAPintOfTea]

I can see why it is very hard to tell this to someone you are dating, for so many people its a deal breaker that you'd want to give things a chance first.

I'm also inclined to give the benefit of the doubt because he had given up drinking. That shows a reasonable amount of self awareness and remorse. Although I would want to look at the court documents and check his story definitely tallies and would be expecting serious apologies for keeping it secret.

[vickibee]

it was a long time ago and has not offended since, I would give him the benefit of the doubt. People change and he is prob ashamed of the whole thing. Think he should have told you though

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

He forgot to tell you? Three years of his life - he forgot to mention?

[struggling100]

I understand that this must be a huge shock for you, not least that you had to find out this way. I do think you need to keep talking with your partner about it.

However, people can change. We all make mistakes - some more serious than others - but I do believe that with proper remorse we can move on and build new and more caring lives. It sounds as though your partner has done this, and I think I'd be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt if there are no signs to suggest he's got a temper or any problems any longer.

[MeepMeepVroooom]

The failing to mention it would bother me more than the charge.

indeed fights can go wrong, it's fairly common, that's why you don't get into them.

I'm really struggling to think of any man that I know that didn't get into a scrap once between the ages of 20 and 30.

[MeepMeepVroooom]

And I grew up in a posh bit of the city.

[K8Middleton]

If you're buying a house together then criminal convictions come up as part of the mortgage process. Did he declare it then? Or has he lied on that application (fraud) as well as lying to you by omission (deceit)? Put that together with his verifiable criminal conviction and it is possible that you don't know him at all.

How terribly worrying for you :(