Just found out my partner has been in prison

[Milly101]

We have just bought our first together after dating for 18 or so months, we were round at his brother and sils house for dinner a few nights ago and the conversation came around to the max Clifford trial and if he got found guilty how long his prison sentence would be, his brother then says to dp "you'd know all about that" dp laughed it of and changed the subject.
When we got back to my place I asked him what his brother had ment by that, it turns out he served a 3 year prison sentence in his early 20s(he is now 36 and never been in trouble since)
I'm shattered my thinking of him has changed, I can't work out if I have any right to de disappointed annoyed or upset.
Any thoughts would appreciated.

[Bellwether]

I think that, under those new domestic violence laws where women can check up on partners, you need to go to the police and find out exactly what happened, to the last detail.

He "forgot"? 'Wiped it from his mind'? 'A bit out of hand?' Doesn't sound like a changed, remorseful man.

[kentishgirl]

well said, DLS.

[DirtyLittleSecrets]

Milly, my ex did kill someone. I went on to marry him and even though we're not together anymore, we are still friends and I trust him totally.

Want to know the difference between him and your guy though? He told me on our first date, told me exactly what happened, it was an accident (not one of these punching someone and them hitting their head type accidents though). I could sympathise, which people reading this might be shocked by but if I told the full story I think most would understand. He told me on that first date because he was ashamed, not a day went by when he didn't think about it, when he didn't re-live it and torture himself with it. He thought I had every right to know what he had done before I got involved with him, he certainly didn't "forget" about it. He never once, not one single time, joked about it or talk about it in a light hearted way, hell it almost destroyed him, and this was more than 10 years after it had happened.

My ex was not a violent man, he never hurt me, we argued at times sure, but I was never scared of him or worried that he might hurt someone else, he was a good man, and that's why he found it so hard to live with what he did,

You, I have to say, sound almost impressed by his actions, you come on here defending what he did when if he was truly remorseful he wouldn't even defend it himself. If he can "forget" what he did and see it as not even worth mentioning, then he IS NOT a good person. If you want to blind yourself to that fact, go right ahead, but it's only yourself you are cheating.

[Fusedog]

Sorry op deal braker for me regardless of what he done

Because it's the lies of course he would of had to involve a lot of people in it and it's a mager event in his life and he lied what elese is he not telling you has he chikdren out there been married before ECt it's the lies

[Beastofburden]

Having a 17-year-old; having tried to murder someone - same thing.

Good Mother's Day this morning, apop?

[Apocalypto]

A friend of mine married a man who, 18 months into the marriage, disclosed that he had a 17 year old son.

She divorced him.

Not only did he lie, but he lied about something that profoundly shapes a marriage, i.e. whether you want to have children with someone. He had already done so, but didn't think it worth mentioning.

Having a 17-year-old; having tried to murder someone - same thing.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Araminta....yes yes. Couldn't agree more.

Everyone is doing exactly what the op wanted. How many posts has she actually posted on this thread??? 3? 4?

She/he is too busy sitting back and enjoying the bun fight.

[RedFocus]

The fact he didn't tell you at the beginning speaks volumes and he clearly had no intention of telling you either so yup that's a deal breaker for me.

[MrsKermittSmith]

He is clearly not catch of the week is he!

[CalamitouslyWrong]

The OP could be in Scotland. There's no charge of ABH or GBH in scots' law. That would explain the talk of council tax and payment in £s.

Someone could be charged with assault (to injury or to severe injury) rather than attempted murder for a 'bar fight gone wrong'. But a crucial difference between scots' law and English law would be that you can be charged with attempted murder in Scotland without their being any intent to kill; there only needs to be evidence of a a wilful or reckless disregard for the life of the potential victim.

Not sure it makes any difference here though, as the biggest issue is the lying about such a huge thing.

[hellymelly]

The caravan could be down to him needing to keep away from some very dodgy people....I wonder who else was involved, and what the fracas was about. Moving every couple of weeks? Smacks of on the run from something, or someone.

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

Surely the conviction explains the caravan? Would he not have trouble getting a loan/mortgage with the conviction?

I discovered my XDP had done jail time after I booted him out. He lied for 7 years by omission. He did jail time for something I suspect he did throughout our relationship but I could never be 100% sure and that was receiving stolen goods. He got a reduced sentence cos he dobbed the other bloke in apparently. I lost even more respect for him (if that were possible) when I discovered that! I was bloody furious about his lying by omission and would have left him after 18months as it's a big thing to not come clean about to the one person that is supposed to mean so much to you that you are moving in and making a home together.

[hellymelly]

OP might be in Scotland or Ireland where the sentencing system differs.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Is the OP ever coming back?

[Lweji]

To be fair to him it doesn't seem like he tried to conceal it. It came up now in conversation and he immediately owned up to it.

As I said before I'm more worried that he didn't seem particularly embarrassed or repentant. He laughed it off when it was first mentioned to his partner. And that makes me worried that he may not have a moral compass.

[AmberLeaf]

No-one has disagreed with you about why he lied

Not directly, but many have given opinions that oppose what I am saying, which is fine, but it is also fine for me to respond.

No-one had failed to see it from his POV

I think many have actually, but again, that is their right. Same as it is fine for me to offer an alternative opinion.

With that in mind I don't get why you would be labouring the point so much if it wasn't because you thought people should change their responses to his choices

Look, I quoted you and asked you a question, I wasn't to know that you would take that as an excuse to be rude and insulting, I was under the impression this was a discussion.

I don't think anyone should change their responses, I don't much care TBH.

I haven't been labouring the point. I am replying to your ever more rude replies to me.

I'm glad you now seem to accept that that is wrong though

Ha! No I don't, because I didn't think it in the first place.

[Offred]

It's not conjecture, it's risk assessment. Lies = risky. Yes he may have changed and you may finish the relationship for no reason but ending a relationship is less bad than someone physically attacking you so therefore the balance of risk falls on the side of ending a relationship with a liar in this case...

To do anything else would be very silly indeed.

[Offred]

No-one has disagreed with you about why he lied. No-one had failed to see it from his POV. What people have said is what his choices to lie would mean for them and why. With that in mind I don't get why you would be labouring the point so much if it wasn't because you thought people should change their responses to his choices.

I'm glad you now seem to accept that that is wrong though.

I've explained that there is a rational basis to my POV that a person who is not honest and responsible about something like this is a person that cannot be trusted to have changed - it is the same assessment parole boards make about a prisoner's relative risk to the public on release...

[AmberLeaf]

This thread has been full of conjecture about why he lied to the OP and what this means about her and how he views her/ will treat her etc.

My point, was that really, this is probably very little to do with the OP, it is probably more about a pattern of behavior this man has developed over the years, to 'get by' after serving a prison sentence for such a crime.

Comments about his nomadic lifestyle and the work he does, that's what many people who have a criminal record have to do. It is hard to get a job when you have a record to disclose. what should he do? give up?

In saying all of that, I am not saying the OP should be with him, I am trying to put across that ex cons often have to live differently, that in itself doesn't necessarily make them bad or shady. It is just the way it is and what they have to do.

[AmberLeaf]

Yes...and?

It does seem to be a very black and white issue for many.

I have elaborated as to why I can see some ex cons would be backwards in coming forwards, as it seems common for people to totally switch off once they hear 'jail'

That is not for the third? time blaming those others who reacted, for person A lying, it is just a possible reason why person A made the choice to conceal, based on experience of how the disclosure goes down with people. Person A is responsible for that choice of course. People tend to do what they think is best for themselves, even if they get it wrong sometimes.

I am not saying lying about it is the right thing to do, I am saying that I can see how someone might feel it was best to, however misguided they are in thinking that.

[Offred]

^"Going by many of the posts here, I am not surprised at a person who has been to prison, not being upfront about it.

This is a very black and white issue for some people."^

Was your first post amberleaf...

[MeepMeepVroooom]

Haha no not for me. My Dad would kill me if I brought home another man who has done time. I'm on a strict vetting plan apparently.

But truthfully I have said circumstances dependant I could accept the charge, the lapse of time and subsequent behaviour would be paramount. The hiding it from me I couldn't.

[AmberLeaf]

I wasn't blaming anyone for anything.

I was empathising [while not condoning] with what could lead a person to take that course of action.

His experience of peoples reactions could entirely influence how candid he chooses to be about his past. That isn't blaming those that react. It's just understanding to an extent what influences the choices people make.

[Offred]

The lying is his choice, people's reactions would not have made him do it. Earlier you were trying to blame other people's reactions for his lies otherwise why bother posting at all.