Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Am I too sensitive to him looking at other women?

24 replies

tobbay · 12/03/2014 09:11

My partner and i are very happy however he claims he is not like other men but i don't quite see that. We recently did race with me and as we were walking back a girl was still running without a bra so her boobs were bouncing alot. He blatantly looks at them which to be fair you can't help it however he followed up with "blimey look at that" and then he said" not that I was looking" and that is what really annoyed me as he making a huge point of meaning he was looking at another girls boobs... in front of me! So 1. Am I being too sensitive and making a meal out of nothing?? 2. If he's like that in front of me, what's he like when out with his friends? I know if I confront him he'll make out I'm some sensitive controlling girlfriend. Am I? Should I let him eye up other women in front of me and not worry? We go on holiday soon so what's he going to be like on the beach with bikinis and toplessness??

OP posts:

MysweetAudrina · 12/03/2014 09:19

You said yourself it was kind of hard not to notice them so I guess you can't blame him for that. I don't particularly like when my dh eyes up other girls especially when he does a head spin in the car and then denies it when I call him up on it. People can and do look at other people I know I do, at both men and women, sometimes beacuse they are atractive, or not, or dressed well or not etc.... It doesnt mean too much. If he is being disrespectful to you then that is different like if he turned his chair the other way to have a look or if he is blatently oogling other women or girls young enough to be his daughter then that is an issue. Must men would find it hard not to cast an admiring glance at a fit topless girl on holiday, ok they might try to do it on the sly if then know their partner will react negatively. It does make me feel a bit insecure if I am not feeling the best about my own body shape at that particular time but my dh would be sensitive to that but I might be a bit over sensitive to what could only be termed a natural glance at an attractive person.

I dont know what you mean by he is not like other men though. Is that something he says. Does he think he is better than other men? What other men?

AMumInScotland · 12/03/2014 10:01

I'm a little baffled by his claims that he's 'not like other men' - watching bouncing breasts is a pretty typical thing that men do. Men notice women's bodies. If they are polite they don't make a big deal of it, don't add rude comments and gestures, and don't make their girlfriends feel annoyed/upset about it.

Equally, women notice men's bodies. We're just usually a lot more inclined to keep quiet about it, except on hen nights...

I'm more bothered by the fact that you already know that if you dare to confront him about something he does which makes you angry/upset, he will belittle you and act like it is your fault for being oversensitive. That's not the behaviour of someone in a respectful and equal relationship.

honeybeeridiculous · 12/03/2014 10:12

My DH will crash the car one day as when he's driving he glances out of the side window at ANY woman passing by!
Iv told him he needs blinkers it used to really annoy me but now I just find it funny, he 51 fgs!
Some men just can't help themselves, but if it worries you he needs to have more respect for your feelings

MysweetAudrina · 12/03/2014 10:16

dh has a type and I usually spot them before he does so when he does his 180 degree swivel in the car and then realises I have caught him he pretends that he is just looking around and makes exagerated glances at everything else around him. He doesnt even realise he does it and trys to tell me that he notices everything and is just very observant :)

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/03/2014 10:47

I am guessing by saying he's not like other men DP means he likes to think of himself as less (something OP doesn't rate) or more (something she appreciates).
Then shoots himself in the foot by contradicting his words with actions.

Controlling and over-sensitive are terms he might bandy about but if you are thoughtful enough to avoid gawping at fit blokes or goggling at a random male's attributes why on earth can't he show the same consideration.

You won't know what he does when he's out with his mates but when he's out with you I don't think it is asking too much for him to skip the commentary and obvious gazing.

Jan45 · 12/03/2014 10:49

Think you are over reacting, esp if they were bouncing about like that, I'd be looking!

Play him at his own game, comment next time you see an attractive man.

scrufhead · 12/03/2014 11:06

In my opinion youre over reacting :/ i would have been like blimey look at them!! i make comments to my oh about women i see. I can see when a woman is good looking/ has big boobies, but I don't see it as a threat. I can say in a jokey way to my oh about another man being attractive... its a natural thing. It becomes a problem if someone becomes quite graphic in what theyre saying... a friends ex was really repulsive in what he used to say about women that he saw and he used to say these things in front of her. Theres a difference between being a sleaze ball and being observant.

BeforeAndAfter · 12/03/2014 11:34

He sounds totally normal. That's the sort of thing I'd say to my DP followed by "she'll regret that when they're round her knees."

I've read somewhere that women glance at men's crotches within a minute of meeting them and men do the same with boobs. Most people don't notice as it's so quick.

kentishgirl · 12/03/2014 12:00

'I've read somewhere that women glance at men's crotches within a minute of meeting them and men do the same with boobs.'

I was going to say that. I think they did a study filming in the street and tracked people's eye movements. Women do a quick flick down to the gents trouser department then up again, and men flick at the boobs. In a microsecond.

There is a difference between looking at something bouncing around in front of you (although you probably could have done without the comment) and letching at random women.

FelineLou · 12/03/2014 13:35

My friend with a DH like this, told him:
You can look at the menu in the restaurant window but make sure you always eat at home.
If other women help to turn him on - make the most of it!

AnyFucker · 12/03/2014 13:40

I think if this is the extent of him "watching other women" then I agree that you are over reacting

My H's eye would be caught by bouncing boobs, whose wouldn't ? You were looking, weren't you ?

spindlyspindler · 12/03/2014 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProlificPenguin · 12/03/2014 14:06

I would have looked at the boobs too, you did didn't you? Over reaction I think in this case.

All men look at women, it's natural. When you are out normally would you spot him looking at women? Some men are either oblivious that we notice it, others reign it in when with their spouse. I know one guy who got left in a restaurant for oggling waitresses and this guy had never been unfaithful in his life.

I notice my DH does it when he is straight back from work or with other guys, when it's just us he is fine, he will also point a girl for out to me for a comment sometimes, he would have definitely commented on Miss Flappyboobies!

FastLoris · 12/03/2014 19:58

There are two types of men: those who are open with their partners about how they fancy other women, and those who hide from their partners how they fancy other women.

It's completely up to you which you want him to be. I'm sure if you're clear enough that you insist on not hearing about it, he'll make more effort not to tell you about it. Then he can just channel it all into time when he's alone or with his mates.

DitaVonCreamTeas · 12/03/2014 20:53

Seems perfectly normal to me, he noticed the boobs and so did you. I'm happily married but I enjoy a good letch as much as the next woman - just because I enjoy window shopping it doesn't mean I'm going to get my purse out.

beachside · 12/03/2014 22:09

I'd get him some really terribly bad super strength prescription lenses for his glasses so he can't see anything and make him wear them whenever he's out of the house. In fact, maybe he should wear them whenever he's watching tv, or using the internet too, just in case.

I'd also cancel the beach holiday. Far too much temptation. He might see all sorts of things, and you know what men are like, he'll be ogling some buxom lass and before you know it, they'll have run off together and leave you and the kids with no money or home.

Technical · 12/03/2014 22:20

TBH, If I saw a woman running without a bra I'd probably comment on it!

I also look at all sorts of things I find attractive, that might be a man or a painting or a fancy house/car or the daffodils coming into flower now.

I really can't see anything wrong in the behaviour you've described and if you think by "saying something" you can somehow stop or change him then yes, you are being a little controlling.

Has he said that he's not like other men in response to your worries perhaps?

Allofaflumble · 12/03/2014 22:45

I think if you are sensitive, then that's the way you are. The bouncing boobs bird sounds hard to ignore but you should really be able to ask him to try not to make it obvious when you are there. If he loves you surely he would not want you to feel insecure?

DangerMoose · 12/03/2014 23:18

What about a partner very obviously and repeatedly looking a person up and down when said person is standing about a foot away from you? And commenting on what lovely legs/tits/other body part somebody has. I'm not sure where to draw the line between healthy and leery.

defonamechangedforthis · 12/03/2014 23:29

If I saw that I would say exactly what your DH said to my DH. personally I think you are over reacting.

Chattymummyhere · 12/03/2014 23:35

I would of pointed her out to dh in a don't look but LOOK At that!!! I do it all the time in fact I did it with a school mum today when a lady kept bending over and her leggings where not thick so we could all see her underwear we had a good giggle.

KikiShack · 14/03/2014 18:44

I think there's a world of difference between looking/lighthearted comment which you both laugh at and enjoy, and making comments which you don't appreciate and you don't feel you can call him up on.
Essentially you need to be on the same wavelength. My DP loves bouncy boobs and bottoms in tight trousers etc but is very subtle about looking and wouldn't say anything unless I did first, so he knew I was in a playful mood and didn't mind. Equally if we see a hot man who is my type sometimes DP will catch my eye and smile to see if I noticed.
Its all about gauging what each other is happy with and behaving accordingly. Being afraid to mention anything for fear of being called controlling isn't a great sign IMO.

DietCokeMultipackCan · 14/03/2014 18:58

I think everyone notices when someone else is attractive. Out of my husband and I, I'm probably the more conventionally attractive one and it makes my DH a bit insecure so he pretends that he never looks at other women and would never make a comment like that in front of me.

Really, he is just worried I will start showing obvious interest in other men too and run off with one of them. I know he looks, it's almost involuntary and I have clocked him. I would rather he was open about it like yours than us both have to pretend we are blind when out at the supermarket etc.

BadgersRetreat · 14/03/2014 19:46

yes a bit over-reactionary i think. He's married, not dead.

we point out people to each other we think the other would think attractive . It's meaningless.

Flip