I've had a glass of wine so feeling brave...

[Elfina]

Can I please ask how you initiate sex in your relationship? How frequently do you have sex?

I've been with DH for 10 years, married for 5. We have a DD, who is 16 months. Sex has always been tricky, but we used to be much, much better than we are. We both want to do it, but seem to find it excruciating to try and initiate. We both work hard, and are often tired and stressed etc. We're in a rut but I'm not sure how (or if) we can get out of it

DP and I have been struggling too. Right now I'm working on making sure I feel attractive (37 weeks pregnant) and making more effort to not always be in my dressing gown. He's working on his diet as currently he is constantly tired. Between that and us being more open about what we want from each other sexually, we're improving. And we're ramping up the affection to open more doors and make it easier to sneak in some heavy petting.

DH and I have been together for 9 years, married for 4.5 and have 1 DD aged 2.5

Due to a whole catalogue of difficult (and some traumatic) events since we married, culminating in DH being diagnosed with depression and being on medication for this, I don't think we've had sex for about 4-5 months now.

We discuss the fact that we never DTD and have remained good humoured about it but it makes me feel

I'd be interested to see who else is out there in a similar position ... or not ('scuse the pun!) Sigh!

Well....we've always seemed to struggle with this too. And what makes it worse is that I feel DH only wants his needs and desires met. Am 28 weeks preg and we have an almost 3y/o DD and I feel like whenever (if ever) we do it's just..."any hole's a goal" mentality, not like he actually wants me, he just wants to 'get off' which is depressing. Makes me feel totally inhuman and us satisfied. Anyway sorry not about me!
I find it can be hard initiating sex but why don't you just...jump in the shower with him? Try not to be shy. HTH.

I often initiate sex by sending him a text message from the bedroom. Something like "I'm really horny" or just "Fancy a shag?" usually does the trick. I find the texting saves any possible awkwardness or fear of rejection - and adds to the excitement because then he will just turn up in the bedroom and no more needs to be said because the atmosphere is already full of anticipation.

We have sex on average once a week but sometimes much more (on holiday) and sometimes go without for weeks too.

We've been together 22 years, married 18 years and we have two DC aged under 6.

Tiredness definitely doesn't help- I have a similar age dd and not much as much sex drive as I used to because I'm so tired. We probably have sex 1 or 2 times a week. Have no problem initiating because it just feels natural to just go for it (passionate gropey kiss or whatever!)
It sounds like you have some awkwardness / shyness surrounding it for some reason. Do you talk openly about it?
A night away from dd could help too- we occasionally spend a night it two in a hotel and it feels like we're naughty teenagers for the night- drink too much, smoke (even though we quit years ago), spend a whole day naked etc.

How about creating a relaxing atmosphere, cuddle up, kiss and see where it goes? Just enjoy it. It doesn't have to be a request for sex and it may lead to nothing, so no pressure.

I'm sure I read a thread somewhere on Relationships about this last month, MNers saying they can still be affectionate but rarely DTD. Sometims it's because you feel like a parent more than a sexual being. Sometimes it's just pure tiredness. If you're still attracted to each other and it's energy levels more than a problem with body confidence, don't give up hope.

How about morning sex while you're still warm and relaxed rather than bedtime sex by which time you're probably shattered?

SageYourResoluteOracle I believe loss of libido was quite a common side effect of anti-depressants, but nowadays not all a-ds will give you the same side effects. Would it be worth DH going back to the GP and asking if he can try a different a-d?

Hmm, I guess it really, really doesn't help that we co-sleep so sex in bed is out. Feels all a bit exposed and weird in the sitting room...

We either go the romantic route (kissing and cuddling, enjoying being close) or one or the other will say something cheeky or grab the other. I like buying nice lingerie so wearing that gives me confidence. We have a 4 month old boy, so it is hard, he sleeps in our room, so we don't have sex in there! We usually only manage once a week, two at a push because we are shattered. We also have a very bouncy labrador, who is almost as demanding as the baby, but we try to make the effort. We've been together for 7 years, married for 2.

Or skip the pretty lingerie, wear a skirt or dress and ever so casually mention in a whisper one day, "Brrr, bit chilly, I've gone commando, what was I thinking". Getting in the mood can seem a bit phoney when you aren't feeling especially sexy but sometimes a bit of flirtiness or element of surprise can work wonders.

I would be a bit less subtle : "When dd is asleep tonight and we're relaxing on the sofa, I'm going to sit on your face. Hope you don't mind." In fact I said that very sentence to my dh just now.

guy I wish I could keep a straight face and say that!

Thanks, Donkey. DH is on citalopram so I don't know if that's got something to do with it. There are other factors too though, some to do with my health.

I don't keep a straight face! I realise that saying something like that would feel ridiculous if it's just not something you would do but it sounds like the OP and her dh need to try and relax. Maybe having a bit of a giggle would help break the ice?

Could you not do a date night but actually go out for lunch and then head to the bedroom after that so not too tired or even on a day off start off with cuddles in bed and let your hands roam? I know when I was pregnant morning was better as I wasn't tired from carrying baby all day