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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

he doesnt love me anymore and wont work to sort it out is he having an affair?

24 replies

iamtoooldforallofthis · 19/02/2014 14:33

my husband was being very cold to me then eventually told me he doesnt love me anymore, i am too untidy and dont prioritise him. he know says i have done everything i can to put it right but its too late...we are ended...he had affair when he was married before (left his first wife then went back)...do you think he is having an affair or do you think it doesnt actually matter what the cause of him not loving me is?

OP posts:

JoinYourPlayfellows · 19/02/2014 14:34

Sounds like history is repeating itself.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/02/2014 14:37

The way I see it, love is a very personal thing. If he has simply stopped loving you that's his business and not something you could influence. If he has replaced you with someone else he should be honest. What is unacceptable, however, is to give you a great long run-down of your alleged 'faults' that have caused this change of heart. It's cruel and cowardly.

So don't let him stick around to give you more of these excuses dressed up as character assassination. Tell him to go.

hermionepotter · 19/02/2014 14:37

sounds like a possibility tbh. No doubt he doesn't expect it to work both ways ie him prioritising you

OddFodd · 19/02/2014 14:44

Well, judging by the threads I read on here, it seems very likely that he is. :(

Will he not have counselling?

SerenaBracken · 19/02/2014 14:46

He doesn't love you anymore because you're untidy? That's a reason not to re-let with a flat mate, not give up on a marriage.
You haven't mentioned children, thank God. Would he stop loving them too if they left their toys out?
You don't prioritise him? OMG and boohoohoo.

None of that matters though as he said it's over, so you need to take some practical steps. Tell your family and friends as you will need them around you at this sad time, and find a solicitor.

dollius · 19/02/2014 15:04

Yes, I do think he is having an affair. Very sorry, love

WhateverTrevor83 · 19/02/2014 15:14

Oh I'm sorry

Does it matter if he's having an affair? He's already said he doesn't love you. Not sure I'd want to know. You're 'untidy'? What an absolute arsehole he is saying that as an explanation.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/02/2014 15:49

Sounds like 'the script' being played out to me.
Doesn't love you anymore.
Turning it around to be your fault to justify his behaviour.
Etc...
Etc....
Do you have children together?
Do you have shared ownership of the house?
I think a call to CAB and a solicitor is the order of the day.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
So many of us have been where you are so keep posting for support.

Jan45 · 19/02/2014 15:51

Very lame excuses which I would assume meant yes he is having an affair.

handfulofcottonbuds · 19/02/2014 15:58

I'm so sorry.

My stbxh acted and said exactly the same way out of the blue and refused to try and work things out as he couldn't 'fix' it. Although he said he was bored of us going to the supermarket every weekend. I'm divorcing him for adultery, which I found out 2 months after his bombshell.

If your H has done it before, I'm afraid you need to trust your instincts.

Londonfirsttime2014 · 19/02/2014 15:58

Yep sounds like it, similar shit I was dished up a few weeks ago.

DrJeanGrey · 19/02/2014 16:08

I would agree with that. It's hard to see it now but the "why" of him not loving you and being so vile is not that important. It's still happening.

I have experienced first hand the capability of a cowardly bastard person to actually blame you for their own shortcomings. It's a nice way to pass over guilt and it's very common.

Lovingfreedom · 19/02/2014 16:11

Yes I'm afraid you are getting the 'you're so untidy it's no wonder I had to shag someone else'...what a heartless coward.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/02/2014 16:11

When it gets even more cruel and cowardly is when you are told that not only have you been replaced but that the new person is (allegedly) vastly superior... Don't stick around for that conversation. It's a killer.

SerenaBracken · 19/02/2014 16:23

When all love and respect has gone, he'll be thinking the new one's untidiness is just comfortable.

handfulofcottonbuds · 19/02/2014 16:28

iamtoooldforallofthis - are you okay?

It can't be easy reading this, no matter whether you think it might be the case. I know it's hard, lots of us here do.

DrJeanGrey · 19/02/2014 17:51

Yes, lots of us do know what this feel like. Hence the anger directed at your husband. You're not alone in this - so many have been through it. It's hard to hear because I can remember exactly what you feel like inside.

I do think it would be helpful if you provided a bit more background information. Such as whether he is prone to cruelty, what he is usually like, if there have been any changes in the relationship recently.

Of course none of us know if he is having an affair. It's just a familiar scenario.

Mine was not having an affair for what it's worth. He was just an arsehole!

Offred · 19/02/2014 17:55

It is probable although not really that important as far as you are concerned. The relationship is over either way. Don't stand for him trying to come back.

Cringechilli · 19/02/2014 17:57

It is pretty common for a man to say he just doesn't love you any more but secretly he's having an affair. Not always the case though.

elizalovelace · 19/02/2014 18:36

The sad fact is he no longer loves you,or wants to be with you.Its hard I know but you will have to somehow come to terms with this and learn to move on with dignity.He dosent sound like much of a partner anyway tbh.Take care of yourself op, you deserve better.

Original poster

iamtoooldforallofthis · 19/02/2014 19:04

thank you to you all....we have children (2 each) but they are grown up...i work full time am doing a phd and have grandchildren i like to see...he got p'd off with my havng them stay (even though i had told him this was the case when i met him....in fact he had said "i dont want to take anything from your life just bring to it)....i actually would rather he was having an affair because otherwise its all my fault....i have good friends and two lovely supportive daughters so my life was full aand rich before i met him and it can be again....but i adored him.

OP posts:

Original poster

iamtoooldforallofthis · 19/02/2014 19:07

handfulofcottonbuds no i am not ok...

OP posts:

DrJeanGrey · 19/02/2014 19:12

No matter what happens, it's not even partly your fault.

Relationships have problems.

People talk about it.

People work on them.

No one leaves someone because they are untidy.

sixlive · 19/02/2014 19:16

You sound like you have a very full life. I would split do you own your house ask him to move out so he can be tidy on his own. If there is a OW it's not your fault. History does tend to repeat itself but you probably really knew that.

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