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Original poster

Going Dutch ?

222 replies

Lovelypot · 11/02/2014 16:49

I've been with my dp for about a year now, he does earn quite a bit of money not sure exactly how much never asked not really my business. However I'm getting a bit fed up ever since our first date we have always gone Dutch for everything, dinner out to the cinema etc etc. I didn't mind at first but it would just be nice if sometimes he offered to pay don't you think. He has now and again and I too have paid . On his birthday I said right my treat I'm taking you for a meal, we had everything starter mains dessert, wine it came to about £80 but I didn't mind, then it was my birthday he didn't say he would pay, but I was a bit annoyed so I just let him pay even though I felt guilty he didn't say my treat he just paid. It's beginning to annoy me, we went out Saturday had a meal I paid half and then went to the pub, he ordered his drink I ordered mine and then he waited for me to pay. The thing is I don't expect him to pay for everything and I in the past have just paid for things and not really thought about it, but I am a single mum and he does earn a lot more than me has 2 houses. Would you be pissed off, problem is it's always been the same he expects it now ! How do I deal with this?

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 13/02/2014 11:18

We're all different - leregina I'd have struggled far more with your bloke and his "insisting" than I would a higher earning bloke going Dutch. I'm irritated for you just reading about him insisting! That'd get short shrift from me!

Offred · 13/02/2014 11:20

I think you have to see what happens really. His explanation sounds reasonable but also doesn't quite sit right with me either. Could be a lot of things going on really. If the relationship is really lovely otherwise I'd just see how it goes. The communication doesn't sound particularly great either though.

I would say one thing, where there is an inequality in earnings and you are forced into a certain amount of dependency on a partner when you move in together this can create massive tension. It is hard for the higher earner not to abuse their position and hard for the lower earner to avoid being forced into a role as an inferior, either by guilt or abuse, and I think you should think very carefully about this before moving in together.

I was in a similar position and insisted on marriage before we lived together in order to protect me and my two dc. The inequality is part of what has killed the relationship. My xh isn't a horrible man but I do feel there was a certain feeling, throughout our relationship (and still now as he pays child support) of him feeling like he owned me because he was paying for me.

Oh and ola's talking out of her arse IMO. I'm not male, I'm the one that pays and I'm saying equality is not about paying half, which is often what creates inequality. Think about financially abusive relationships where women on this board have been expected to contribute half the bills whilst on a reduced income after having a baby.

Equality is about everyone contributing based on their means not the wealthy benefitting from their wealth privilege by expecting poorer people to contribute proportionally more of their income. So yes absolutely wealthy people, male and female, should be expected to contribute a higher amount so that the proportion of income being contributed is equal.

Offred · 13/02/2014 11:22

I am glad we were married though because of the financial protection. I would not live with a higher earner without the protection of marriage.

Cabrinha · 13/02/2014 11:25

I think if you want to keep seeing him, you need to follow up the talk (btw well done for bringing it up!) with some ground rules.
Otherwise he's going to feel watched, you won't trust that any offer to pay is genuine generosity...
I would discuss guidelines with him.
Like: you alternate paying when you go out. He needs to be aware that you will choose pizza and cinema whereas he might choose 3 course meal and theatre. But - he's allowed to choose home cooked cottage pie and a DVD.

Or - you agree that whilst you're not living together, you always go Dutch - but that means always going out to your budget. I'd let him know that he doesn't have to be scared to offer to treat - but that you won't expect it.

You could agree for pub type nights, to just do a kitty, so at least you're not actually saying "your round my round".

laregina · 13/02/2014 11:26

Please don't waste your energy being irritated for me Cabrinha because I'm very happy Smile

jesy · 13/02/2014 11:39

I've been seeing someone for seven weeks now and he has paid for everything , even to point I need to get so e shopping and he said he'd pay I refused tho.
I'm aware he has a reasonable paid job but he also has three kids to support ,so this weekend I said either a mini picnic or happy meals .
What I'd say is I can't afford it that what I did.
Met on line , he said cone for a drink and I said I can't afford it so he paid.
I must admit I'm self conscious of him spending cash on me tho x

Offred · 13/02/2014 12:05

I wouldn't like what you describe laregina because I'd see that not as a way of expressing he cared but as a way of expressing he owned me or felt he could buy me. Of course it is possible my bf might feel like that when I pay for something but that's a pitfall of dating when there is a disparity in earnings, it can cause tension.

MillyBlodyn · 13/02/2014 12:13

laregina my DH also insisted on paying for every date when we first went out together. He was also old fashioned I guess but he felt that he wanted to see me and wanted to treat me well and to him that meant paying for everything. When he became unemployed then I insisted on paying for us a lot more of course which he appreciated. I think it is lovely and I personally found that if a man wants to date you enough and is really into you then he tends to want to pay for dates and treat you.
My DH and I have been together now for thirty years and he still pays for our date nights once or twice a week when we go out. To him he loves treating me and making me feel special. I love being treated this way.

Offred · 13/02/2014 12:22

My bf definitely really wants to date me, I don't think paying for stuff is anything to do with interest in a person because by those rules the one being paid for should surely be considered to be completely uninterested and surely the healthy way would be splitting contribution which would reflect equality of feeling. However, I don't think spending money should say anything much about love and if you are finding it does in your relationship you've got a problem.

MillyBlodyn · 13/02/2014 12:23

After thirty years together offred, I don't think so.

sonlypuppyfat · 13/02/2014 12:26

I have never unless bullied into it bought a man a drink, fuck that.

MillyBlodyn · 13/02/2014 12:27

Its not about money really though. In the beginning of a relationship Men generally do want to pay for the dates even if its only a coffee. But generally if the relationship develops past the first few dates then I definitely think its important to offer and insist on paying for them and treating them.

expatinscotland · 13/02/2014 12:33

Why on Earth would you want to live with a person who is tight. You said it, OP, he is tight. There is no getting round it. If you have a future, it is a future with a mean person.

Do you really think that's what you deserve?

Just because past relationships were pants, why settle for meanness? Your gut instinct is right. It always is.

Offred · 13/02/2014 12:34

My parents have been together 30 years, they have serious problems IMO. Time doesn't equal quality.

Offred · 13/02/2014 12:37

I wouldn't date a man who insisted on paying. I view it as controlling behaviour. I insist on doing rounds with friends and in early stages of dating.

expatinscotland · 13/02/2014 12:40

Mine have been happily married for nearly 50 years.

My dad's best advice to me and my sister? Dump bad men (we are both hetero or he'd have said women, too).

MillyBlodyn · 13/02/2014 12:43

No it doesn't offred. I was just pointing out to you that my husband wanting to pay for dates with me still after all this time is lovely and I appreciate his romantic gesture. And it is romantic to be courted and treated like someone very special. As I said I paid for us a lot when he was out of work. Sorry about your parents relationship though.

MillyBlodyn · 13/02/2014 12:47

Wow...offred you really wouldn't date a man who insisted on paying??
Its not controlling behaviour in most men. Men tend to want to pay if they are keen on you. Its natural behaviour.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 13/02/2014 12:50

Tipping is a contentious issue but going Dutch on a night out with a bf who then refused to leave change for the staff and never rounded up for a taxi driver didn't bode well.

Offred · 13/02/2014 12:51

It most definitely is not natural behaviour or romantic! I'm astonished anyone would feel that way tbh!

Offred · 13/02/2014 12:53

How is it romantic to be purchased by someone?

MillyBlodyn · 13/02/2014 12:55

Well I disagree with you. If a Man is interested in you he will definitely want to pay in the beginning, even if its only coffee he can afford. He will also want to treat you like a princess and make you feel special and be kind and treat you very well. Why would you settle for anything else?

Only1scoop · 13/02/2014 12:56

My dp pays majority of time and always has from day one. I never expected him to though. He is older than me and has this really old fashioned chivalrous way about him.

A huge positive is occasionally I treat him to a lunch or coffee's etc and he is so grateful...."thanks Scoop that's so lovely" as if I'd just bought him a new car or similarGrin

Yes he does earn much more than me ....but doesn't have a controlling bone in his bod

MillyBlodyn · 13/02/2014 12:59

Why would you feel that a man is trying to buy you just because he wants to pay for your meal and treat you?? Are you being controlling if you want to pay and treat him? Sometimes its just because you want to make them feel special and appreciated.

Offred · 13/02/2014 12:59

Why would you settle for being treated like property and purchased? I find it exceptionally worrying this stuff about princesses. I've never been interested in it even when I was a child and I'm not now. I want to be treated like an equal not a pet. Being treated well is not being treated like a possession/princess.