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Original poster

Going Dutch ?

222 replies

Lovelypot · 11/02/2014 16:49

I've been with my dp for about a year now, he does earn quite a bit of money not sure exactly how much never asked not really my business. However I'm getting a bit fed up ever since our first date we have always gone Dutch for everything, dinner out to the cinema etc etc. I didn't mind at first but it would just be nice if sometimes he offered to pay don't you think. He has now and again and I too have paid . On his birthday I said right my treat I'm taking you for a meal, we had everything starter mains dessert, wine it came to about £80 but I didn't mind, then it was my birthday he didn't say he would pay, but I was a bit annoyed so I just let him pay even though I felt guilty he didn't say my treat he just paid. It's beginning to annoy me, we went out Saturday had a meal I paid half and then went to the pub, he ordered his drink I ordered mine and then he waited for me to pay. The thing is I don't expect him to pay for everything and I in the past have just paid for things and not really thought about it, but I am a single mum and he does earn a lot more than me has 2 houses. Would you be pissed off, problem is it's always been the same he expects it now ! How do I deal with this?

OP posts:
Allofaflumble · 11/02/2014 23:01

My ex was like this and he had the same story about his ex wife. Now I just feel sympathy for her.

He spent a lot of time at my house and once I asked him to pick up some tea bags. When he was leaving, he seemed a bit twitchy and reluctant to go. Finally he blurted out that I owed him two pounds for the tea bags!

Wish I had seen this as a red flag then but I always make excuses for people and of coursel like you wanted to prove I was not like his bitch of a wife. Arrrrgh. Feel so cross with myself now! (Embarrassed).

BuggersMuddle · 11/02/2014 23:01

I guess a possible out for him is that he sees you as fiercely independent, but from the holiday scenario, I've got my doubts. Not that I think he should pay the lot, but I'm guessing you went Dutch on your 'cheaper deal' right? If so, maybe there was a middle of the road where he did 'subsidise' a bit more luxury. As the high earning partner I would if I could, because IMO everyone wins.

Have you gone away together with all your kids? That to me says 'serious'. Standing at the bar waiting for you to get out you 3 quid is not IME and IMO what a person with a normal level of generosity does in a 'serious' relationship. I don't do that with my friends or even hell, my colleagues that I'd drink with.

Not saying my DP and i haven't had different views on money (we only recently had to readjust what we considered 'personal' vs 'household' expenses, but we were talking hundreds or potentially thousands of pounds, not a pint and a packet of fucking crisps.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2014 23:07

Oh, FFS, you should not even have to be posting shit like this or thinking this a year into this relationship.

He's tight.

You said you couldn't afford it and he didn't step up though he could afford it.

It doesn't have to be like this! You can do better.

This kind of shit will always niggle. Nip in bud. He can find someone else to go halfsies with.

rosiesarered · 12/02/2014 09:42

he's tight.
who buys their drink then waits for the other person to get theirs? even with friends and work mates we get rounds and buy each other breakfasts and stuff, as far as i know no body is keeping a tally, it all works out in the end.
my ex became quite tight in the end wanting money when i asked him to pick things up from the shop, it was on his last legs by then as we had a talk about moving in together and he thought everything should be 50 50 even tho he earns 3 times what i do. we would never have been equal and i would have been worse off than living on my own.
can't see this relationship progressing op, if you live together he will have savings and money to play with while you scrimp to get by.

starfishmummy · 12/02/2014 11:44

I think that this is just going to fester now, op. You keel citing other instances and I think that if everything was rosey you simply wouldn't think about it or even remember! When DH and I were a year into our relationship (not married or long together at that point), I can't even remember how we decided who paid and when most of the time.

One I do recall was taking him away for his significant birthday and somehow he ended up paying for almost everything even the accommodation. We even laughed about it!!

dAdDy40 · 12/02/2014 11:52

Have you talked to him about this.
guys get stupid and desperate to impress when they fall in love.
If going Dutch has always been the way then he may be thinking this is how you want things to be.
You never know, he could be thinking exactly the same way as you.

MillyBlodyn · 12/02/2014 11:59

In my experience if a man wants to take you out then he usually wants to treat you and pay for you. Of course you can return the favour but this man doesn't seem to be trying to " court" you at all. It's been awhile now that you have been dating. What does he say about your future together?

NigellasDealer · 12/02/2014 12:04

why should men pay all the time anyway?

dAdDy40 · 12/02/2014 12:15

nowadays I think guys are very aware of feminism and female independence and try to avoid situations that could be seen as Chauvinistic. Paying for your meal could be construed as outdated chivalry.

NigellasDealer · 12/02/2014 12:16

also if the man pays all the time then the woman is expected to pay back in kind, really isn't she? in another world that is known as 'prostitution'

MillyBlodyn · 12/02/2014 12:18

A man doesn't have to pay all the time but if he wants to take you out then he usually wants to treat you and pay for you. Doesn't mean he expects sex.

Jan45 · 12/02/2014 12:20

I would actually take his reluctance of going over the equal share of everything as a sign of his commitment, or lack of it. It's either that or he really is a complete tight arse.

Original poster
Lovelypot · 12/02/2014 12:21

I don't expect him to pay all the time though nigellas I think that would be very wrong, just now and again I said and it's nothing to do with gender for the last time either!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovelypot · 12/02/2014 12:22

Jan45 totally agree tbh I think the commitment thing is very much attached

OP posts:
NigellasDealer · 12/02/2014 12:23

tis true if you were spending time with any friend of any gender you would probably treat each other - so someone who doesn't want to do that could just be a total tightarse

expatinscotland · 12/02/2014 12:30

Tight arse.

Jan45 · 12/02/2014 12:38

Lovelypot, so there you go, why not spend some of your spare cash on going out with your g/f's, good excuse for you not to be able to go Dutch with him on a certain day or night, maybe try distancing yourself slightly, in other words, have another social life apart from him.

Original poster
Lovelypot · 12/02/2014 12:43

He he he your posts are actually making me laugh now expat, I'm glad I posted it has opened my eyes, I thought after the first post saying I was out of order to expect him to pay more than half would be the general thought, but I was right to think it is a major issue. I have decided to speak to him tonight I will bring it up and if the response is how I expect it to be I will run for the hills, it's only a year it did get serious but already I am resenting him so ending it and being on my doesn't worry me in the slightest. :-)

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovelypot · 12/02/2014 12:45

I do already jan so it doesn't worry me being on my own, thank you very much for your advice x

OP posts:
Jan45 · 12/02/2014 12:49

Keep us posted!!!

Only1scoop · 12/02/2014 12:55

Op ....you will grow resentful if you don't speak to him about it.... If you still feel you want to give it a chance.

Let us know how it goes

His treat of course Grin

Original poster
Lovelypot · 12/02/2014 12:58

Lol no he's coming here, he knows I want to speak about something and there is something on my mind......I will let you know what happens !

OP posts:
Offred · 12/02/2014 13:05

I don't think you are out of order feeling down about this necessarily. I believe in the 'from each according to ability to each according to need' thing which is why when, more often than not, I have more money than bf I pay. I get criticised for this and people think I get taken advantage of but I'm careful not to give away what I can't afford and so I think why not?

I don't think you should demand it but I do think you should perhaps re-evaluate the relationship if what you are doing is contributing and equal amount of money but proportionally more of your income. That is a kind of inequality.

Cabrinha · 12/02/2014 13:17

It's probably less uncomfortable to have this conversation from the angle of the higher earner, as I currently am.
But the tell take sign for me is if you feel you can talk about it.
After I suggested and paid for a night away with my boyfriend and our kids, I thought - time to broach it.
"Honey, I've got more coming in than you, I think. Just so you know, if I suggest something that's too £, just say. And if I suggest something and make it clear I'm happy to pay, I hope you're cool with that".
Job done.

I actually can't decide on your info. Your birthday - he paid, but he didn't say it was his treat. I don't get the issue. He didn't pressure you into the more £ holiday. His kids had more expensive (though not better!) gifts than yours, but that's for you to anticipate.

The drink at the bar thing sounds rubbish, but I'm wondering whether he's picked up on your expectation not to always go Dutch?

It's a balance - I happily pick up the tab for my boyfriend because I don't feel he expects it. The second I felt expectation, him hanging back... I'd be less happy.
I'm confused about your birthday example, and what actually happened. I think it's fair to have an expectation someone will pay on your birthday, if you paid on theirs. But it sounds like you may have been holding back which would (on a non birthday night, anyway) have irritated me. Like I say - I don't know how to judge him on that, because he did pay.

If all else is OK, it's worth talking to him about it.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/02/2014 13:18

Shamefully marking my place to see what the outcome is of your chat later.
Keep us posted.
And I agree with most of the others.
My OH pays for everything.
It's all I can do to get a drink in for him.
Good luck - I hope he surprises you with his response but I won't hold my breath!