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Original poster

Going Dutch ?

222 replies

Lovelypot · 11/02/2014 16:49

I've been with my dp for about a year now, he does earn quite a bit of money not sure exactly how much never asked not really my business. However I'm getting a bit fed up ever since our first date we have always gone Dutch for everything, dinner out to the cinema etc etc. I didn't mind at first but it would just be nice if sometimes he offered to pay don't you think. He has now and again and I too have paid . On his birthday I said right my treat I'm taking you for a meal, we had everything starter mains dessert, wine it came to about £80 but I didn't mind, then it was my birthday he didn't say he would pay, but I was a bit annoyed so I just let him pay even though I felt guilty he didn't say my treat he just paid. It's beginning to annoy me, we went out Saturday had a meal I paid half and then went to the pub, he ordered his drink I ordered mine and then he waited for me to pay. The thing is I don't expect him to pay for everything and I in the past have just paid for things and not really thought about it, but I am a single mum and he does earn a lot more than me has 2 houses. Would you be pissed off, problem is it's always been the same he expects it now ! How do I deal with this?

OP posts:
NK5BM3 · 11/02/2014 21:07

In my early 20s I dated an auditor who was clearly v good with his numbers and divisions (by 2!!). It was a nightmare in particular since I was a student and he was working!!

If it's already like this then I'd just dump. Not worth it.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2014 21:12

Still can't get that image of him walking up to a bar and getting his drink, then waiting around for you to get yours out of my mind. Or telling you he is going to take you out to dinner and then driving you there.

Honestly, being alone is better than being with a twunt like this.

Original poster
Lovelypot · 11/02/2014 21:13

Your right I've been an idiot !

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 11/02/2014 21:15

'Auditioning for a skinflint' Grin
Must say I do agree

I also would find it a bit naff and a turn off that he has to tell me about a pair of semi expensive shoes which he supplied his ex with.

Why don't you broach it with him....
Where do you see it going....

ImperialBlether · 11/02/2014 21:16

It sounds as though he's keeping a mental tally of who's paying what. I couldn't be doing with that at all.

Meanness is nothing to do with how much money someone has; it's a state of mind.

The thought of living with someone like this fills me with horror. It will spill out into daily chores, visits to family and so on. He won't be able to clean the loo without checking you've put the bins out.

There are far nicer men around - ditch this one and search for another. Or stay alone; that would be preferable.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2014 21:16

Just quit doing it. It's a complete waste of your time because you are spot on: the relationship will go nowhere but down if you get closer.

It's dead in the water.

'I've been doing some thinking, and this relationship isn't working for me anymore. I need to call time on this and examine what I need a bit more. Wish you the best (you cheap ass cunt weasel ).'

Original poster
Lovelypot · 11/02/2014 21:19

Bloody hell I have haven't I, oh boy wish I'd of been stronger at the beginning now. Everything else is ok but this is just on my mind and has been for a while. I kind of thought everyone and relationship has something and with him it's money but actually it's quite a big thing isn't it or could be in the future.

OP posts:
NK5BM3 · 11/02/2014 21:22

I know someone who for the longest time kept a tally on their fridge as to who owed who what amount and for what.

So it was like
John owes jane £10 milk and tea and toast
John owes Jane £3.99 for McDonald's.

Etc. and they lived together. And got married. Shock I'm sure he's owing her a lifetime and more.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2014 21:22

And, in the future, anyone who starts in about how their ex 'screwed them' or 'I had to buy him/her X . . . ' (a £200 pair of boots. Boohoo! She was his wife and the mother of his kids. I save money in an account to buy nice gifts for DH for his birthday, yes, even a £200 games console, I love doing it)' is one to cut the date short and answer all further correspondence with, 'Nice meeting you, but I'm looking for someone different. Best of luck.'

saulaboutme · 11/02/2014 21:31

It's not very gentlemanly.

Sorry it is nice for a man to splash the cash if he has it. If you were gold digging it would be pretty greedy. I'd be saying from now that you'd love to go here there or where ever but money has to go on other things this week/month. See what he does.

Me and DH used to split bills in the early days but never buy our own drinks at the bar. I was never allowed to but a round hardly.

He sounds abit anal.

Only1scoop · 11/02/2014 21:31

What's he like with others? Friends etc ....Always first to the bar?

When I was dating a few years ago....I had some rules in my head.... but this was one of them.

I had a date once with a guy....we parked at a car park next to each other. He split lunch to the last penny . And when we returned to car park I had a sixty pound parking ticket. He had been lucky ....and not been fined....

Never offered to pay any of it

expatinscotland · 11/02/2014 21:36

'What's he like with others? Friends etc ....Always first to the bar? '

Who cares? He's niggardly with her. Sorry, but keep thinking about how ridiculous it is, to be sat in a bar where he buys himself a drink and then stands about whilst you get one and pay for it.

Or that fact that he thought spending £200 on his wife was a huge big deal.

Only1scoop · 11/02/2014 21:43

Would he do that Op? Buy himself a drink in a bar?

saulaboutme · 11/02/2014 21:47

Meant to add I've had a few people over the years who do this and they're the people I most have a problem with.
Inlaws, friends etc.. If anyone doesn't have the money or genuinely isn't flush it's no biggy. When they have it and don't want to use it I find that mean. Not like they're saving up etc.

feelingvunerable · 11/02/2014 21:49

He sounds awful.

If you want to give it a go then do as expat suggests and tell him you are skint, then leave the ball firmly in his court.

Original poster
Lovelypot · 11/02/2014 21:51

No he would and has gone to a bar and said what would u like? But iit was just the way he told the barmaid what he wanted and then I told her what I wanted and I could see he wasn't going to pay and he just looked at me so I got my purse out. This perhaps on it's own wouldn't of been a big deal it's just in my head now other things he has done and I guess I'm looking for it especially as I just paid half for a meal when actually he ordered and had more than me. It's making me think about money and adding it up in my head now too and I'm not normally like that I'm pretty generous normally and enjoy spoiling people I love but I'm realising it's not reciprocated

OP posts:
bouncyagain · 11/02/2014 21:54

OP I totally understand this. It is a complete wind up. It's not something to discuss with your DP as it is so obvious. But that means the relationship doesn't really work.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2014 21:59

'I guess I'm looking for it especially as I just paid half for a meal when actually he ordered and had more than me. It's making me think about money and adding it up in my head now too and I'm not normally like that I'm pretty generous normally and enjoy spoiling people I love but I'm realising it's not reciprocated'

Get rid! This isn't good for anyone.

BuggersMuddle · 11/02/2014 22:20

He's tight as a duck's arse.

What age is he? I had an ex who was horribly tight at first. I laid my cards on the table early doors.

I knew couples like this who lived together. The 'family income' could have stretched for a fortnight in the caribbean, but the poorer 'partner' could only afford a week in a caravan. Guess where they went? One party clad in designer gear or with all the gadgets, the other scrounging around charity shops.

I'd have a conversation now. After a year you must have some idea if it's getting serious. Tell him you can't 50/50 at the moment, so will need him to pay more or do cheaper things. If he responds with the latter, run for the hills. If he's like that after a year (unless you've been taking things at a glacial pace) then he'll more than likely be a tight arse when you commit.

It's not gender privilege BTW. I earn more than DP - I pay more. I would have thought a year would be more than enough to understand the relative dynamics and to want to help each other out within reason. Does he claim to love you?

Original poster
Lovelypot · 11/02/2014 22:42

Oh he claims I'm the best thing ever, he's really happy I'm a lovely person he loves me wants to settle down with me, he can tell me anything etc etc. it has been a good relationship it's just this, I hoped it would get better....
I've just thought of an occasion I did say I can't afford. we were looking for a holiday, he found this wonderful 5 star luxury all inclusive hotel for all of us (4 kids ) to go to it did look nice but it came to 6 grand so 3 grand each , I can't afford this so I said I can't afford that, I'm a single mum. He was also wanting to go to Dubai just the 2 of us which would be expensive, I did say I'm sorry I can't afford that kind of lifestyle I'm a single mum and you earn more than me so we ended up booking something cheaper. Again I didn't mind but in my head I wasn't sure if I should expect him to maybe say oh pay me when you can I'll lend it to you or some of it or pay some of it I wasn't sure I should of expected that, but it was just the fact he suggested it, surely he knows I wouldn't have that kind of money. It happened at Xmas too our kids opening presents together, I saved up to get my 2 a tesco tablet and a few other bits, he got his an I phone, iPad blah blah and I suppose why not if he can afford but I felt I couldn't keep up with him and felt sad for my kids even though they were happy with what they got, we' re just not on equal levels and I don't think he will think of us as a family unit it will just be my family and his so would we be going on separate holidays hmmmmmmmm

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 11/02/2014 22:43

Op he is squeaky tight as tight can be ....thank goodness you havn't moved in with him.

PortofinoRevisited · 11/02/2014 22:45

Aw - I was slightly disappointed this wasn't about moving to the Netherlands, I want to do that. Op he he sounds like a tightwad arse,

Freyalright · 11/02/2014 22:51

He sounds generous when it comes to his children. Maybe it's more a reflection of how he views you and the relationship than how tight he is.

fourlegstwolegs · 11/02/2014 22:54

What a prat. Have a serious talk with him. It can help, I had this problem at first but now DP always pays when we go out (he earns much much more than me). Occasionally, when I can, I take him out.
It's not a gender thing. It's a good manners/kindness/well brought up thing.

Original poster
Lovelypot · 11/02/2014 22:55

Tbh he was quite generous with me at Xmas, he spent quite a lot on me, I had loads of presents and he said he enjoyed spoiling me so sometimes he can be. He does spend money on his kids they don't go without, sometimes he is careful though for instance going to the cinema he won't buy popcorn and drinks there he'll call in at tescos or something and buy it there, and actually he did the same for my kids but actually I think on that occasion I paid for the cinema tickets for all of us lol oh blimey !

OP posts: