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Original poster

Going Dutch ?

222 replies

Lovelypot · 11/02/2014 16:49

I've been with my dp for about a year now, he does earn quite a bit of money not sure exactly how much never asked not really my business. However I'm getting a bit fed up ever since our first date we have always gone Dutch for everything, dinner out to the cinema etc etc. I didn't mind at first but it would just be nice if sometimes he offered to pay don't you think. He has now and again and I too have paid . On his birthday I said right my treat I'm taking you for a meal, we had everything starter mains dessert, wine it came to about £80 but I didn't mind, then it was my birthday he didn't say he would pay, but I was a bit annoyed so I just let him pay even though I felt guilty he didn't say my treat he just paid. It's beginning to annoy me, we went out Saturday had a meal I paid half and then went to the pub, he ordered his drink I ordered mine and then he waited for me to pay. The thing is I don't expect him to pay for everything and I in the past have just paid for things and not really thought about it, but I am a single mum and he does earn a lot more than me has 2 houses. Would you be pissed off, problem is it's always been the same he expects it now ! How do I deal with this?

OP posts:
Joysmum · 11/02/2014 17:59

It didn't matter about how much me and my then boyfriend earnt. It was about pride and going Dutch. Sometimes one or other of us wanted to treat the other but this would then be reciprocated by the other treating the next time out.

Neither one if us would have expectations of the other. If one of us was feing the pinch then we felt able to say and either do something not needing money, or the other would treat.

If you are harbouring negativity now, you need to be honest and raise the subject. If you can't be honest, there's no point in trying to develop the relationship.

Original poster
Lovelypot · 11/02/2014 18:09

Velma he has the same expenses as me, same amount of kids etc!

OP posts:
VelmaD · 11/02/2014 18:18

how can he have the same expenses as you if he has child maintence? Or is he the resident parent too?

I thought you hadn't discussed income? Or did I misunderstand that?

If you're comfortable talking about your outgoings then be honest with him. Its only been a year, if you're not 100% happy either talk about it or walk away.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2014 18:19

Have you ever said, though, to his 'take you out', 'I'm going to have to pass, I can't afford it'? Or, when he makes for the pub after dinner, 'I'll have to take a rain check, things are a bit tight moneywise just now. See you after'?

Original poster
Lovelypot · 11/02/2014 18:25

No I haven't expatin I think I thought if I prove that I'm not just with him for his money he may get a bit more generous, as I think that's what it is.

Velma no he doesn't pay much maintenance as he has them most of the time, I don't know his exact earnings but I have an idea believe me he has around the same . But yes I agree I do need to discuss or walk that I do agree with just not sure how to bring it up

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 11/02/2014 18:33

'No I haven't expatin I think I thought if I prove that I'm not just with him for his money he may get a bit more generous, as I think that's what it is.'

Why on Earth would you do that? A person who is not a skinflint doesn't need to have anything proven to him/her. It's a privilege to be generous.

You bring it up with, next time he proposes to take you out, 'I can't go. I can't afford that just now,' and leave the ball in his court. Do NOT do the work of suggesting other things. Just, 'I need to pass on this, I can't afford it.'

Stop beggaring yourself for a relationship.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2014 18:34

And someone who makes you feel you have to prove yourself to them isn't worth the time of day.

On balance, he sounds a skinflint, but I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here.

Only1scoop · 11/02/2014 18:41

I can see where you are coming from Op....is he generous in other ways? Is he a great partner?

expatinscotland · 11/02/2014 18:42

He is a boyfriend. A cheap one, too.

Quit considering everyone you date as a 'partner' and stop trying to prove yourself to anyone.

Only1scoop · 11/02/2014 18:43

By the way I think you have more than proved 'your not in this for the money'

WhoNickedMyName · 11/02/2014 18:48

Agree with expat, a simple "I'll have to give it a miss, I can't afford it" followed by silence... Don't suggest a cheaper alternative, don't suggest a cosy night in... Let him fill the silence and see what he comes up with.

Only agree to a night in as an alternative if he suggests he'll bring a takeaway and wine.

summermovedon · 11/02/2014 18:55

A man not paying for a measly drink in a pub, would be a major turn off for me, equality or not. Heck I even buy my girlfriends a drink. I would not find a partner who behaved like this attractive. And I don't mean that I would expect them to pay for everything all the time, it is more the attitude is cheap. tbh personally I would deal with it by having meals out with friends instead, and forgoing the man with a calculator.

Fourandcounting · 11/02/2014 18:55

Does he buy you presents or treats?
He must know the differences in your financial position. It is nice to be treated occasionally and is a sign of affection. He sounds mean.

LessMissAbs · 11/02/2014 18:59

Its a very specific type of relationship where the man pays for everything. Maybe he doesn't want to be in that type of relationship. Maybe he is worried you are after him for his money. I do know women who are happy to pay half even though their boyfriend earns more than them. He has also paid for it all several times. I think he is possibly a bit wary of your motives actually.

But yes, if its important to you, have a discussion with him about it and be prepared to dump him if its that much of an issue for you.

sykadelic · 11/02/2014 19:00

So you stayed with him and went dutch to show him you're not about the money... but now you're upset that he won't spend money on you?? It sounds like you've been making an investment and are now hoping for a return and that you ARE about the money :S

If he says he's taking you out though, it means he's paying. Do you ever call him and offer to take him out? And if so are you expected to pay?

My husband and I have never been 50/50 split people. We go to the movie it'll be "do you want to get the tickets or the snacks?" or "I'll grab dinner you get the tickets?" so he isn't paying everything all the time.

You need to talk to him but I'd make it more about how you can't afford to go out all the time and need to cut back instead of how HE should be paying more because you think he earns more. Offer to make dinner at yours or his sometime instead.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2014 19:08

'A man not paying for a measly drink in a pub, would be a major turn off for me, equality or not. Heck I even buy my girlfriends a drink.'

This ^

DCRbye · 11/02/2014 20:02

I don't think there are any rules. Expecting to go Dutch or the man to pay is all down to each person's values and system.

I was always quite traditional, so happy to do the ironing and make his packed lunch but I expected him to carry the shopping.

We all have to work off out own ideas, but to me, I'd think he was cheap.

DarlingGrace · 11/02/2014 20:31

The problem with equality is that when push comes to shove, women expect to be treated like ladies.

No way on this earth would I pay for my own dinner. If a bloke couldnt afford that, then he cant afford to support me.

Oh yes, I expect to be supported. But then, I expect to run the house and do 'girly' tchores, and I expect him to be a man. Most women IRL like the traditional stance, it's only on MN where this equality bollox comes into play. And any woman in a 'traditional' relationship will tell you she wears the trousers anyway.

Only1scoop · 11/02/2014 20:35

I wouldn't do this half and half thing either....
I'd be cringing Confused

Original poster
Lovelypot · 11/02/2014 20:46

Well wrong or right I feel uncomfortable with it, I am in dependant and I do like to have my own money but in a committed relationship the occasional treat would be nice. He doesn't regularly treat me no ,he did buy me a bottle of perfume from the duty free once which I was pleased about and flowers twice in a year. So I guess sometimes, I just think if I was to ever live with him he maybe financially controlling or it may cause resentment.

His ex wife apparently screwed him money wise, ran up loads of credit cards, ran up debts wanted him to spend £200 on a pair of boots and said he didn't love her if he didn't. She didn't work he kept her, their children and another child she had from a previous relationship,so I think it's because of that, but I'm not his ex wife but that is why I have been patient trying to prove I'm not her.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 11/02/2014 20:48

I wouldn't want to be with someone and have to think about money that much. Id get rid, some things in life just cause too much bother. If you earn a lot less yet your money always has to be ready for when the 2 of you go out, then that's a bit off-key. I wouldn't be going on many nights out either, Id have to take a raincheck. You cut your coat according to your cloth, if you cant afford the kind of relationship he wants then its a no-no. My OH earns much more than me, he doesn't focus on my money when we're going out, he just pays. When I have money, I contribute. Or another time I'll pay but there's no 'I paid last time you pay this time' at all. Its not even a topic, when you're a couple these things just tend to balance out, Id have thought.

Im thinking about threads Ive seen in the past re. DWs with DHs who expect them to either live on very little especially when income's been disrupted by them having children, or have been very 'separate' regarding money throughout marriage. You can tell DWs are really frustrated by it - after all, theyre posting in annoyance about it. You don't want to end up like that.

Only1scoop · 11/02/2014 20:52

I used to find this more the 'norm' in my younger dating days but even then I wasn't a fan. It's not so bad the 'Oh ill get this ....you paid the last couple of times'
But does if say the bill comes to thirty five pounds ....you both put down seventeen fifty?Confused

Original poster
Lovelypot · 11/02/2014 20:56

Well yep but it's partly my fault because I've always just done it and not said it was an issue so he doesn't know it is, but I was just hoping he may change in time , not to pay for everything I wouldn't want to or allow that to happen anyway just be a little more generous that's all

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 11/02/2014 21:02

'His ex wife apparently screwed him money wise, ran up loads of credit cards, ran up debts wanted him to spend £200 on a pair of boots and said he didn't love her if he didn't. She didn't work he kept her, their children and another child she had from a previous relationship,so I think it's because of that, but I'm not his ex wife but that is why I have been patient trying to prove I'm not her.'

Oh, brother! You have been patient proving you are not her. What a waste of your time! Life is way too short to spend time auditioning for a skinflint who lets his past relationship colour this one.

You're not comfortable with telling him, 'I need to take a rain check on this, I can't afford it just now,' then you will continue to waste time shelling out money you resent spending. He will never change or get the hint or 'reward' you for being a doormat.

I'd say dump, but you probably won't.

expatinscotland · 11/02/2014 21:03

'but I was just hoping he may change in time , not to pay for everything I wouldn't want to or allow that to happen anyway just be a little more generous that's all'

Quit wasting your time 'hoping' grown adults will change in time. They don't.

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