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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Going Dutch ?

222 replies

Lovelypot · 11/02/2014 16:49

I've been with my dp for about a year now, he does earn quite a bit of money not sure exactly how much never asked not really my business. However I'm getting a bit fed up ever since our first date we have always gone Dutch for everything, dinner out to the cinema etc etc. I didn't mind at first but it would just be nice if sometimes he offered to pay don't you think. He has now and again and I too have paid . On his birthday I said right my treat I'm taking you for a meal, we had everything starter mains dessert, wine it came to about £80 but I didn't mind, then it was my birthday he didn't say he would pay, but I was a bit annoyed so I just let him pay even though I felt guilty he didn't say my treat he just paid. It's beginning to annoy me, we went out Saturday had a meal I paid half and then went to the pub, he ordered his drink I ordered mine and then he waited for me to pay. The thing is I don't expect him to pay for everything and I in the past have just paid for things and not really thought about it, but I am a single mum and he does earn a lot more than me has 2 houses. Would you be pissed off, problem is it's always been the same he expects it now ! How do I deal with this?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 13/02/2014 13:59

That, too, Veg. Bet he wants to hang onto you! Most would have told him where to sling it long ago.

Only1scoop · 13/02/2014 14:01

Expat....I agree and I think it's out of order him griping on about some old boots that he had to buy whilst married....bad taste

Don't be expecting Laboutins with that valentine red sole tmrw OP

expatinscotland · 13/02/2014 14:05

I don't even remember how much some of the stuff I bought DH cost. Who cares? I enjoyed giving it.

Original poster

Lovelypot · 13/02/2014 14:10

I think perfect for me would for me to have my own money and be able to pay for myself have control over my own life and finances but would like to be treated now and again made to feel special and important I suppose, but also knowing I had that persons support if for some reason I couldn't work or something, that I would need for myself and my kids that is the worrying bit as you just never know what is around the corner. Also though I would also expect to go out get a better job or whatever to support my dp if something simular happened to him it's a 2 way street and your a team.....this is the bit that worries me.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 13/02/2014 14:13

It worries you for very good reason! Tightness isn't just about money. Why was your time pushing your own gut instinct aside? It's telling you this for a reason.

Offred · 13/02/2014 14:21

Yes I think it worries you, and should worry you, because if you're going to progress the relationship to living together then you'd become dependent on him (if things stay the same) and it comes down to whether you trust him in that situation or not. His current approach would not make me trust him either really.

sonlypuppyfat · 13/02/2014 14:23

My DH has kept me for 15 years, you would love me.

Pipachi · 13/02/2014 14:40

OP is the opposite of graspy. She's been with a tight man for a year!

Fudgeface123 · 13/02/2014 15:41

My DP buys me stuff all the time, it's not because he's trying to control me or buy me, it's because he loves me. He earns a lot more than me, he'll only let me pay when we're out if it's for his birthday. We share everything else i.e. household bills, food shopping etc., but as he has more, he has no problem taking me out. I always offer to pay towards our meals out but he won't accept it. It's nice being taken out, treated special, being spoiled once in a while.

Why can't a man/woman treat their P without having an ulterior motive? Jeez, that's a sad view of relationships.

Cabrinha · 13/02/2014 15:43

I think it's a shame that people equate spending money with showing someone that you care.

Two years ago I dropped £400 on an iPad for my then husband's birthday. Lot of money. I spent it because I had absolutely no idea what to get him otherwise, I hated him, and took no pleasure from treated him. I was just relieved to have a present sorted.

Money, when you have it, is the very easiest and frankly shallowest way to show that you care about someone.

He spent a similar amount on me btw. It was meaningless. He was cheating on me.

We're done now, thank god.

Now I have a new boyfriend. He shows he cares about me all the time. By asking about my daughter (after I've told him a week earlier about a concern). By chopping wood up for me for a surprise. By buying me £10 gifts that are things he's picked up that I'd love. By paying for entry to an event (£5) because yes, that can be nice to treat me. But then being happy for me to pay for the bacon rolls once inside.

Things that make me feel loved are things that take time, or show he's noticed something about me, what I'd like.

It's easy to spend money, any wanker can do that.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 13/02/2014 15:46

cabrinha have you read all the OP's messages?

He invites her places then makes her pay half. When his stuff costs more.

She's a single parent and he makes loads more than her. It's not fair.

Cabrinha · 13/02/2014 15:48

It's not wrong for one person to pay the restaurant bill because they earn more.
But it's not hard, it really takes no effort. To me, it's more of a practical thing - I pay cos I have more money, not I pay because I love you.

If my boyfriend pays in a restaurant, I don't feel treated by him paying. I feel treated by him wanting to spend time with me.

Who signs the credit card? Just a practicality.

Cabrinha · 13/02/2014 15:50

Veg, yes, I've read the whole thread - including direct conversation with the OP several pages ago. Personally I think he sounds tight and I'd have my eye on it. I suggested practical guidelines now they've had their talk.

But I think the thread is also now people sharing more general opinions (normal on MN) and those are mine.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 13/02/2014 15:51

Sorry, I thought you were directing to the OP

struggling100 · 13/02/2014 15:52

I would talk to him about it, OP. Chances are he doesn't realise how much it's costing you, comparatively, out of your weekly budget.

When I began seeing my DH, he earned three times as much as I did. He had completely forgotten what it was like to have to save up for something, or to prioritise financially. He comes from a family who are quite selfish about money, too. He was absolutely aghast when I explained the things I was having to give up to go out on a date with him.

Cabrinha · 13/02/2014 15:53

And I haven't said that one partner should or shouldn't pay.
I just don't think that spending money on someone is a good way to judge how much they care about you.

Insisting on picking up the bill can be:

a lovely gesture, and show love
totally practical where one has more money
controlling
something else entirely

I've no issue with someone saying their husband pays - but I don't think we should say that paying = love.

Cabrinha · 13/02/2014 15:54

No worries Veg - I totally lose track of who is talking to who once you get past about 3 pages!!

Xenadog · 13/02/2014 16:47

I had one bf who insisted on paying for everything and found it odd when I would pay for the taxi home (my one contribution to the night). It did seem strange to me at first as I was used to sharing costs but I grew to quite like his generosity. That's all it was too - he'd just grown up thinking men looked after (not controlled) women.

My DP is also very generous but we have always taken it in turns to treat each other. As he has more money than me he will pay for the slightly more expensive stuff but having said that I treat small and often. Each relationship works differently but I insist meanness is definitely a no no.

Original poster

Lovelypot · 13/02/2014 17:21

I'm loving reading all the different opinions on this, I've had a few more from friends today too again mixed. The ones that have been married for a long time and their dps pay most of the bills think he is mean and to be careful even though they like him. The ones that have divorced started again or have a sister/brother that has understand the stung thing and are a little more forgiving as they think you are a bit more protective over things.

I will make the right decision for me and my children and all comments from all sides have really helped so thank you mumsnet !

OP posts:

Offred · 13/02/2014 18:18

Fudge face- I agree with cabrinha. It isn't anything to do with who pays. As I said up thread I think partner who has the higher disposable income should contribute proportionally more because that is more equal. It isn't about not being able to treat a partner either. It is simply this idea that men show their love by paying for women (as cabrinha said) and that it is desirable for men to insist on paying (and treating women like princesses) if they are interested because when someone insists or won't allow something that is being controlling. In an equal status relationships like I believe yours probably is you have discussions about things and divide them fairly possibly with exceptions to normal for treats, which is completely different to this stuff about 'men' showing love through paying for things and treating women like princesses which to me means not having any control over anything being constantly out on a pedestal and kept like you are a pet.

Lovelypot - I'm glad the mixed views are helping rather than being a pain! :)

Original poster

Lovelypot · 13/02/2014 18:59

Well apart from the ones describing me as graspy!!

OP posts:

Lweji · 13/02/2014 19:30

I think that it's almost equally non-desirable a man who doesn't want to pay for anything, as one who is offended if he doesn't pay for everything, as one who makes sure everything is split exactly down the middle.

I'd want someone who is generous, and is willing to pay and offers to pay, but who does expect and accepts that the other person pays about half the times, or a proportional fair amount.

I understand that people who have been stung are more careful, but in this case, it still seems odd.

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