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Original poster

Going Dutch ?

222 replies

Lovelypot · 11/02/2014 16:49

I've been with my dp for about a year now, he does earn quite a bit of money not sure exactly how much never asked not really my business. However I'm getting a bit fed up ever since our first date we have always gone Dutch for everything, dinner out to the cinema etc etc. I didn't mind at first but it would just be nice if sometimes he offered to pay don't you think. He has now and again and I too have paid . On his birthday I said right my treat I'm taking you for a meal, we had everything starter mains dessert, wine it came to about £80 but I didn't mind, then it was my birthday he didn't say he would pay, but I was a bit annoyed so I just let him pay even though I felt guilty he didn't say my treat he just paid. It's beginning to annoy me, we went out Saturday had a meal I paid half and then went to the pub, he ordered his drink I ordered mine and then he waited for me to pay. The thing is I don't expect him to pay for everything and I in the past have just paid for things and not really thought about it, but I am a single mum and he does earn a lot more than me has 2 houses. Would you be pissed off, problem is it's always been the same he expects it now ! How do I deal with this?

OP posts:
PissesGlitter · 12/02/2014 13:34

I was just about to comment saying you need to speak to him and soon but I see you have arranged that already

Good luck op

I don't expect to be treated every time we go out but if I am told I am being treated then I do expect the other person to pay. Not just drive (I could have 'treated' myself to that part of the evening)

Lweji · 12/02/2014 13:38

A bit late, but it's not that men have to pay for everything.

Even now, when women get pregnant it is a big investment for them. Many women may even have to stop working if they'd lose money by putting the children in childcare.

Part of the courting process is to evaluate if the male candidate is generous enough to stick around when the children make an appearance. If a man is too tight at the courting stage and lacks in generosity with the potential partner, he's not likely to be generous when the partner is more dependent on him.

Original poster
Lovelypot · 12/02/2014 14:25

Cabrinha, yeh that wasn't a very good example point taken, I guess it's so much in my head now things are issues that wouldn't be normally if you see what I mean. I think as I said right tonight it's your birthday I'm paying, he said thank you very much honey. On mine it was an issue in my head,will he pay or will he expect half? He never said honey I'm paying it's your birthday so I wasn't sure if he was. When the bill came I didn't offer anything or say anything I just let him pay, but he still didn't say my treat or anything so really in my head I was thinking hmmm I wonder if he did expect me to pay half ? I wonder if I'd of offered he would of taken it ?? Do u get what I mean, normally it wouldn't be an issue maybe but just because of how it became it was .

OP posts:
Jan45 · 12/02/2014 14:35

If I had taken a male or a female out and paid for their dinner on their b/d and then it was my b/d and they acted like that, I'd be pretty pissed off, it's basic manners. I don't think you're imagining anything, I think you are pretty switched on with regards to both his commitment level and his generosity, both matter!

angeltulips · 12/02/2014 14:44

Wow, you all sounds pretty graspy

Mn not such a bastion of independence as it pretends to be, eh?

ChoccyDigestive82 · 12/02/2014 14:47

How exactly is paying his share "a bit mean" or means that he is a cheapskate boyfriend?? A cheapskate boyfriend would be a boyfriend who didn't even pay his half. I would be embarassed even bringing this up, suggesting he pays for everything. Shame on you I say. I bet you scream about equality with men too don't you

grr

Cabrinha · 12/02/2014 14:48

I see what you mean... when reading it as an outsider, I think, well - he doesn't need to make a big production of him treating you, he doesn't have to say it.

BUT - instinct is all! We have it for a reason. I expect you're right!

My "rule" isn't counting the cash, but counting the (genuine) offers. If I've paid for 2x MaccyD trips, I would notice more than if I did 1x Michelin starred, him 1x MaccyD.

We went out last weekend, and he'd made picnic lunch for both our kids. Not just enough for both, but everything packed in two bags for each thing. So when we got to the museum, I wanted to be first to the till to buy tickets.

You can tell whether someone had a generous spirit, without counting the exact pennies - and it sounds like he's mean overall.

Good luck!

Original poster
Lovelypot · 12/02/2014 14:49

But it's not about independence is it? ! I am independant my own business run my own house, bring up 2 kids on my own, but it's more about equality surely and being generous supportive , respectful etc etc all very different to 'independant' .

OP posts:
angeltulips · 12/02/2014 14:52

No, independent means not expecting another adult to support you. I repeat, you sound graspy. Why should he pay more than half?

Original poster
Lovelypot · 12/02/2014 14:52

Blimey I am NOT expecting him to pay everything read the thread choccy! Though your entitled to your opinion !

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovelypot · 12/02/2014 14:53

Because it would be a nice thing to do OCCAISIONALLY that's why !!!

OP posts:
angeltulips · 12/02/2014 14:54

Which he does - you've said he bought you flowers a couple of times, paid for your birthday meal & did a couple of other nice things. You've only been together a year - how many more occasions do you want him to sub you?

Jan45 · 12/02/2014 14:56

FGS, so now we are all needy women cos we expect our partners to pay for our dinner on our b/day or even worse, in a pub we expect our partner to not just order himself a drink but actually ask us what we would like........feck all to do with being independent.

Original poster
Lovelypot · 12/02/2014 14:57

And if your living together paying half of everything he has more than you left so he spends money on himself, goes on holidays with his kids but I for example would have very little left so I then can't afford anything you don't think that would cause resentment, that is a healthy relationship, family unit, I don't think so. It's not so bad when your just dating as we are but you have to look at the bigger picture too many divorces/separations as it is !!!!

OP posts:
angeltulips · 12/02/2014 15:04

But you're NOT living together, and you haven't even talked about that!

Original poster
Lovelypot · 12/02/2014 15:08

But that is what you would be doing eventually, so if you see the signs now it's best not to isn't it I don't intend to date for the rest of my life, and I don't want to live with someone like that so unless he tells me it would be different when/if living together what's the point ?

OP posts:
angeltulips · 12/02/2014 15:22

I refuse to believe you are an adult and a parent. Because an adult would TALK TO HIM.

He's clearly been taken to the cleaners by his ex wife, both financially and practically (he paid for everything and has ended up with custody points to something not quite right with her) and is probably cautious about siphoning off more cash to another woman's kids (aka you). But I don't know how you're going to find out if you don't talk to him about it!

ChoccyDigestive82 · 12/02/2014 15:29

Maybe he doesn't want to patronise you by insisting on paying for everything.

I think you are way over thinking it and looking out for these "signs"

Why does he have to say it's his treat, why can't he just assume you assume it his treat

Dahlen · 12/02/2014 15:30

I think expat has probably said everything that needs saying, but blimey! Time to break it off I think. It really shouldn't be hard work like this. Any relationship that requires lots of angst, hand-wringing and communication issues in the days when you're still dating is a relationship that's over before it's even begun.

I think a lot of women try to be independent and fall into this situation. It's like they've internalised the message about taking responsibility for themselves and not expecting others to look after them. Unfortunately, you are at risk of being walked all over unless you get the other half of the message - STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT DIRECTLY. Sorry to shout, and I'm not being patronising. It took me longer than it should have done to learn part 2.

His attitude towards his XW would worry me a lot. Lots of people do have horrible exes (presumably why they're exes) but it's bad mannered and very much a red flag to assassinate their character too early into a new relationship with someone else, especially since he talks about her behaviour in a way that excuses his tightness but without actually divulging how much he earns.

LadyInDisguise · 12/02/2014 15:33

I actually think the OP is right. Flowers twice a year and an occasional meal isn't a lot in a year. I mean I would expect DH to be able to do that at least!
And not saying 'I'm paying' when you invite your gf for her birthday Hmm.

Whether this is showing what this guy will be if living together..., I am not sure but it sure seems to be very far away from what the OP would expect in that case.

OP I would broach the subject with him. Maybe ask him what he thinks is a fair arrangement when 2 people settle down, they both gave dcs but have a big difference in income. See what he us coming up with.

Only1scoop · 12/02/2014 15:34

She probably wanted him to say 'my treat' as she has previously stood at a bar with this man whilst he waited for her to get her purse out to pay for her drink. It sounds awkward all the time.

Good luck tonight with your chat Op

Jan45 · 12/02/2014 15:35

I'm sure every one of us on here has came across someone similar and, if this is a possible future partner, it's definitely off putting.

Lovely, you go on your instincts, most agree on here that his behaviour does indicate meanness and it's your choice as to whether you continue in a relationship with him, I know it would make me wonder too.

There's nothing wrong in expecting the man to treat you on your b/d or not embarrass you standing at a bar whilst he orders a drink just for himself, it's basic manners.

Having said all that, you should have a good talk with him about it, his reaction will tell you all you need to know and you can decide if you are wasting your time or not.

Only1scoop · 12/02/2014 15:37

Op Did you read up thread my awful 'stingy' date I went on? If you think he fits that bill ....run a mile Grin

Original poster
Lovelypot · 12/02/2014 15:56

Ooo I'll have a look thanks :-) x

OP posts:
Loveineveryspoonful · 12/02/2014 16:03

I should have seen lots of red flags when I dated dh,"exw took me to cleaners, poor me has to pay extra for private schools for dc, yadayada".
But I'm great because I pay 50/50, the woman of his dreams who does not ask for anything , not like grasping ex!!!
But he never told me once we were married how he got a huge pay increase, I had to find out by accident! or tons of money he'd put aside.... For himself Avoid!