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Original poster

Going Dutch ?

222 replies

Lovelypot · 11/02/2014 16:49

I've been with my dp for about a year now, he does earn quite a bit of money not sure exactly how much never asked not really my business. However I'm getting a bit fed up ever since our first date we have always gone Dutch for everything, dinner out to the cinema etc etc. I didn't mind at first but it would just be nice if sometimes he offered to pay don't you think. He has now and again and I too have paid . On his birthday I said right my treat I'm taking you for a meal, we had everything starter mains dessert, wine it came to about £80 but I didn't mind, then it was my birthday he didn't say he would pay, but I was a bit annoyed so I just let him pay even though I felt guilty he didn't say my treat he just paid. It's beginning to annoy me, we went out Saturday had a meal I paid half and then went to the pub, he ordered his drink I ordered mine and then he waited for me to pay. The thing is I don't expect him to pay for everything and I in the past have just paid for things and not really thought about it, but I am a single mum and he does earn a lot more than me has 2 houses. Would you be pissed off, problem is it's always been the same he expects it now ! How do I deal with this?

OP posts:
MillyBlodyn · 12/02/2014 16:09

Angel bit unfair. OP has never once seemed graspy.

Viviennemary · 12/02/2014 16:22

It does sound as if he is mean with money and that doesn't usually change. Whether a person is rich or poor. I'd get rid of him unless you are happy with this. Which obviously you're not. You've said you don't expect him to pay for everything which is fair enough.

popsnsqeeze · 12/02/2014 16:35

It's about generosity of spirit. Wanting to do nice things for the person you love.

rainbowsmiles · 12/02/2014 16:53

I'm with generosity of spirit theory. Waiting for you to pay for your drink at the bar is odd. I don't know anyone who would do this. It's such a weird thing to do and for you not to comment on. I would have started laughing at least and made some comment about him losing his wallet or something, but to just meekly take your purse out??? Such a very strange way for both of you to behave.

Offred · 12/02/2014 17:32

Equality isn't about dividing the bills equally but about everybody contributing and getting their fair share. If someone earns £100 per week and someone else £1000 per week it is fair to divide costs accordingly not to expect the one earning £100 to pay for half of everything.

Pipachi · 12/02/2014 19:11

The awkward situation at the bar would have been offputting enough for me. To put someone, you are supposed to really care for, so uncomfortable. - Gender independent! Like rainbowsmiles says, it's a weird thing to do. Even slightly humiliating. Bah!

Lweji · 12/02/2014 19:44

Certainly not about inequality or lack of independence.

Unfortunately independent women may end up with financially controlling men or selfish men because they are independent and never really ask themselves why these men want everything 50-50. They are badly stung if they become sahm or if they lose their jobs, or start earning less, because the men continue with the tit for tat and 50-50.
We read about the cases here.

I think it is important to ascertain how generous a future partner is before even living together. Male or female.

Personally, I prefer to pay alternate times, or contribute to different things rather than split strictly down the middle. It's a type of mentality that I wouldn't want for someone I'd live with.

expatinscotland · 12/02/2014 19:52

Have you dumped yet? Anyone who brings up baggage about the ex, send 'em to the kerb. I mean, did YOU hold how your ex behaved against him? Bet the answer is no.

olathelawyer05 · 13/02/2014 01:20

"...So you stayed with him and went dutch to show him you're not about the money... but now you're upset that he won't spend money on you?? It sounds like you've been making an investment and are now hoping for a return and that you ARE about the money!...."

Spot on. It's basically like the old "I'm not racist or anything, but [INSERT RACIST VIEW]".

Coloured also by one of those privileges that women have benefited from, but which they often like to pretend doesn't exist. I mean, if the OP were the wealthier partner so to speak, I think you'd struggle to find many suggesting that her 'higher salary' and the '2 houses' she owns, means she ought to be prepared to pay more in general - any attempt to suggest such a thing would stick in their craw. Typically double-standard.

saulaboutme · 13/02/2014 03:26

It's not double standard come on!

If he is being tight and op is sensing this is a trait it needs addressing!

bragmatic · 13/02/2014 05:05

Comparing to racism. Okaaaaaay.

Offered sums it up for me.

I find the going Dutch thing a bit awkward tbh. When I met my husband we earned roughly the same. There was no going Dutch, no keeping tabs. Sometimes I'd pay, sometimes he did. It was roughly split down the middle. In the OPs circumstance I'd think if the higher earner didn't pay more often, well, I wouldn't waste my time. That, and the 'my wife screwed me' wouldn't sit right.

Lweji · 13/02/2014 05:28

Most people I know would battle it out to pay something like a drink to others at a bar. Not to avoid paying. And they don't pay for themselves only unless they arrive when all are already drinking but still ask if anyone wants something from the bar.
His attitude is odd.

Only1scoop · 13/02/2014 08:19

How did it go Op?

olathelawyer05 · 13/02/2014 09:14

"....Comparing to racism. Okaaaaaay."

It was an example - not a comparison. The OP says she isn't in it for the money... but then gives the man's wealth as a reason why he should pay more (as did others), which suggests that she is in fact in it for the money. Should the wealthier party always be prepared to pay more, or is it just when the wealthier party is male?

...and by the way, I'm not 'defending' the man necessarily - just questioning the OP's own motives. The whole buying your own drink at the pub thing was a bit absurd. Personally, I just don't get involved in relationships where I can sense that the woman has an expectation (which WILL develop into a sense of entitlement if not there already) that I 'keep' her in some way. If people paid attention early on, you can read such traits quite easily.

mcmooncup · 13/02/2014 09:21

My bf and I are similar. He has wads. I'm poor.
We take it in turns to decide what to do and pay accordingly. Ie. he takes me Michelin star. I take him to the chippy.
It's character building for him.
He would never have me out of pocket for his more extravagant tastes.....and I tell him frequently I can't afford things and he'll usually say "well I want you to come so can I pay for you?"
Doesn't even expect that it's ok to pay for me without asking.

Xenadog · 13/02/2014 09:49

I'm with the posters who say this bloke lacks generosity of spirit; he is mean full stop. If this relationship were to progress I would not expect him to change except maybe to get tighter.

I would have walked away by now - nothing so unattractive as meanness IMHO.

Original poster
Lovelypot · 13/02/2014 09:56

I think you have misunderstood ola completely I don't want lots of money spent on me, I don't want him to pay for everything, but when someone is counting every penny you have spent of theirs it isn't right. It's not about money I have been with people that have less than me and been prepared to pay if I want to go somewhere so it works both ways. I think you have to be in the position to understand but again your entitled to your opinion, I just know what I think is right.

ANYWAY....yes I had the conversation I am confused IMO firstly he thought I was happy to go Dutch I explained I mostly am but sometimes he gives me the impression that he is counting every penny and comparing me to his ex wife. He explained he knows I'm nothing like his ex, and if we were to live together as a family unit he wouldn't expect me to pay half I would pay what I could afford, he said money isn't that important to him and happiness is. I said why wait at a bar for me to pay then, he said he just thought I wanted to pay and he would get the next one. So I'm really not sure now, I think he has got issues from his past still maybe I have read too much into it, still something doesn't sit right with me but at least it is out in the open. He may even feel I am after his money now and run for the hills himself !

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 13/02/2014 10:10

Op at no point have I thought you have come across as entitled or grabby....

Glad you spoke with him....lets see if he becomes less rigid with his various bill splitting habits. You must really like him....

Lweji · 13/02/2014 10:11

I said why wait at a bar for me to pay then, he said he just thought I wanted to pay and he would get the next one.
?
Why didn't he just came forward to pay, then, and leave you to pay the next?

I have to say I have never met anyone who did this. Friends or boyfriends always come forward to pay first and each person argues that they should pay, rather than the other.

His promises about what would happen if you were together are just words. Look at his behaviour now.

Only1scoop · 13/02/2014 10:15

You say something 'still doesn't sit right' it wouldn't with me either.
However, you certain don't sound like you are rushing to move in with this man. You have flagged it up....see if be starts to make the effort.

And stops sqeaking when he walks Wink

Original poster
Lovelypot · 13/02/2014 10:28

Well other than this it has been a good relationship, I can honestly say that after having awful ones, our kids get on, we do things all together we do things separately the kids now would be devastated not seeing him or his kids again plus we have a holiday booked, it's difficult. We will have to see because I have my doubts now they are firmly in my head, and now I feel it will be even more awkward when the bill comes. I think personally he does love me but I think there's no other way of putting it he is tight! I have no idea if there is a future with this man.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovelypot · 13/02/2014 10:40

Also as the way things are with the law, money entitlements I work for myself I earn ok money but as a single parent I get it topped up with working tax credit, also child credit is more when your on your own, I know I have a house to run etc, BUT if say the relationship developed and I did live with him, all that money stops as he is a high earner so the way the law stands he is expected to support us. Wrong or right that puts me and my. Holden in a vulnerable position and you could say unfair for him but that's how it is, and that takes trust and respect from both partners

OP posts:
Original poster
Lovelypot · 13/02/2014 10:41

Me and my children that was meant to say not sure we're Holden came from

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 13/02/2014 10:54

Don't be awkward when the bill comes.... If he starts dithering around I think you have your final answer.

To be honest if you start taking it in turns to pay....and he becomes 'errr ummm who paid last time' that would piss me off even more.

However he has done neither yet.

Why shouldn't you be treated anyway?....you said he earns far more than you....if he's not generous now doubt he suddenly wil be....

Is there a dinner on the cards this weekend? Blush

laregina · 13/02/2014 11:10

IMO somebody being tight is a huge no no - with friends and potential partners alike.

Fair enough, you shouldn't expect a man to pay for everything, but when you described him going into a pub, buying his own drink and then waiting for you to buy your own I thought he sounded like a dick, to be honest. Surely nobody does that? If I go for a drink with a friend, whoever gets to the bar first orders (and pays for) the drinks - if you're with friends they then have their turn next.

Actually I have to admit that from the moment DH and I met he insisted on paying for everything if we were out - the exception is if I'm taking him out for his birthday. He wasn't particularly well off at the time; we were young and new in our respective jobs so neither earned very much. But he was (and is) charming and chivalrous, so would never accept money from me. Might sound old fashioned (actually yes I do realise it is) but it's just another way in which DH shows that he cares and puts me first.