Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Going Dutch ?

222 replies

Lovelypot · 11/02/2014 16:49

I've been with my dp for about a year now, he does earn quite a bit of money not sure exactly how much never asked not really my business. However I'm getting a bit fed up ever since our first date we have always gone Dutch for everything, dinner out to the cinema etc etc. I didn't mind at first but it would just be nice if sometimes he offered to pay don't you think. He has now and again and I too have paid . On his birthday I said right my treat I'm taking you for a meal, we had everything starter mains dessert, wine it came to about £80 but I didn't mind, then it was my birthday he didn't say he would pay, but I was a bit annoyed so I just let him pay even though I felt guilty he didn't say my treat he just paid. It's beginning to annoy me, we went out Saturday had a meal I paid half and then went to the pub, he ordered his drink I ordered mine and then he waited for me to pay. The thing is I don't expect him to pay for everything and I in the past have just paid for things and not really thought about it, but I am a single mum and he does earn a lot more than me has 2 houses. Would you be pissed off, problem is it's always been the same he expects it now ! How do I deal with this?

OP posts:
Offred · 13/02/2014 13:00

It isn't who pays it is the insisting on paying because he is a man and that is supposedly how men show interest/love. Really, really messed up IMO

MillyBlodyn · 13/02/2014 13:03

OP do talk with your Man and tell him exactly how you feel. If he is a good man in all other respects then see if you can sort out this money issue that is bothering you. If you don't like it he has to know and then he has a chance to change things. If he knows how you feel and doesn't want to change or compromise in anyway then you know where you stand but at least if you choose to continue the relationship it is with your eyes wide open.

MillyBlodyn · 13/02/2014 13:05

Offred we all have different views and some of us have been in and our in very long equal relationships that work for us and are very happy. We are not messed up and I wouldn't like to insult you by suggesting that perhaps it is you who has the issues with regard to men and controlling behaviour.

Offred · 13/02/2014 13:06

If a "Man" shows interest/love by paying for things you. How does a woman show interest/love? The traditional way is by allowing him access to her body once he has spent enough on her you know?

MillyBlodyn · 13/02/2014 13:08

Offred im guessing you are quite young but your opinion of men is very sad and alarming.

MillyBlodyn · 13/02/2014 13:12

Women don't allow men access to their bodies (unless they have issues) just because they have been treated to a few dates. Generally they want to have sex with the man because they are attracted to him and cant wait to get into bed with him.

Offred · 13/02/2014 13:12

Answer the question. Why is it alarming? Men generally don't show their love/interest by attempting to purchase women. Sexist pigs do. How many times have we heard "but I bought you a drink!!! Prick tease"?

It is alarming that you think this is how men are and shows prejudices that men and women are somehow inherently different and men are somehow naturally superior.

I don't understand why you would want to be a pet rather than an equal or why you make it all about the man? 'He insists on paying he was happy to accept me paying sometimes when he was unemployed' etc

sonlypuppyfat · 13/02/2014 13:13

Offred have you met some right tossers? Perhaps you should look at the type of men you are attracting. All the men in my life have been gentlemen.

Offred · 13/02/2014 13:16

I don't want a "gentleman" thanks. That's precisely the point.

Some of the men I've met have been spectacular tossers yes and it was mostly because they shared the views you describe or similar ones!

sonlypuppyfat · 13/02/2014 13:17

Oh I wish I had "issues" I bet your a right laugh!

MillyBlodyn · 13/02/2014 13:19

I definitely think that you are attracting the wrong type of men into your life offred and you have a very worrying attitude to men and women too actually. Until you sort out your issues then I fear you will continue to attract men who fit your beliefs. If they don't start out as being bad men then they will most certainly end up treating you bad with your attitude. I hope you are not so rude and abusive in the way you talk to people in real life as you are on here.

sonlypuppyfat · 13/02/2014 13:24

Better said than me Milly

AskBasil · 13/02/2014 13:24

Fascinating thread.

I find it bizarre that some women want to be treated like a princess.

What, marry someone who is in love with someone else, develop an eating disorder and be hounded to death by the press?

No thanks, I'll stick with being treated as a fun, interesting, intelligent person.

And OP trust your gut instinct on this. Something doesn't quite sit well with you because you know it's not quite right. His explanations aren't good enough. I don't believe for one minute that in a whole year, he hasn't been interested enough to actually raise the issue of money and whether you "wanted" to pay at the bar etc. I also suspect that with the birthday thing, he knew it was the done thing to pay for you but hedged his bets. When you didn't offer, he reluctantly paid up because you'd paid for him, but had you offered I suspect he'd have cheerfully accepted.

He sounds mean and meanness with money usually goes together with meanness in respect, love, consideration etc. I reckon meanness is probably after violence, the least attractive characteristic in a partner. I'd dump him tbh.

Offred · 13/02/2014 13:26

I see. Yes because 1. Women are to blame for the way bad men treat them and 2. Because unless you are being 'treated like a princess' by a 'gentleman' your 'Man' is no good!

What views do you believe I have about men just out of interest? That it isn't an inherent part of being a man to think you can/should purchase women? Because I think thinking all men purchase women and that is normal and desirable is pretty depressing and also pretty insulting to men.

Offred · 13/02/2014 13:28

You're making a common mistake btw and equating male with abuser. Not all men are controlling/abusive. Plenty are lovely and believe and actively support equality.

olathelawyer05 · 13/02/2014 13:34

"...Oh and ola's talking out of her arse IMO. I'm not male, I'm the one that pays and I'm saying equality is not about paying half, which is often what creates inequality."

I don't believe I referred to the concept of 'equality' at all. You're arguing against a point that was never made. It only exists in your head Offred.

Presumably, you are a woman who would always be happy to pay more as the wealthier party in a relationship so to maintain equality as you see it - Good for you. Any other takers for this principle? Honestly, I would delighted and reassured to hear from you.

(PS. Ola is a man)

MillyBlodyn · 13/02/2014 13:38

offred Im sorry but you just seem to be someone who likes to argue and prove your point without being able to see anyone elses point. Looking at some of your threads about your boyfriend, you claim to have been abused by men yourself and are now worrying about abusing your boyfriend in the bedroom and are worried about your attitude. I think you definitely have severe men issues and that until you get help and counselling then you will continue to have this attitude and continue to have relationships that are abusive and don't go the distance. Good Luck.

Princess74 · 13/02/2014 13:38

I very rarely post, just lurk but i have been in this situation. I spent years with a chap who was so tight it now makes me cringe! We went Dutch when we first started going out. Then it got that i was staying at his a couple of nights a week so i would buy the shopping for the week, then it got that he would tell me how he had that much money he didn't even know what day of the week he got paid on etc. We then went away for my birthday, he arranged one night in something not much better than a Holiday Inn. But i was so excited it was his treat, we went out for my birthday meal and i remember seeing something i liked on the menu, it was a starter and it was £9.95, then my main which wasn't a special was £8.95, i never have desert, very rarely drink, so i ordered this and was amazed when he ordered no starter and the cheapest main, and no desert. I asked him why to be told as i had ordered such an expensive starter, he couldn't afford one! He then made me pay the extra £1.50 for my coffee and when we got back to the hotel he said i could now buy him a drink as i spent all the money. Oh and he made me pay for diesel on the way home!! I still sit here now and think, what was i doing! He got worse, and eventually i left him. I often wonder now if he has changed. I can't see it. In fact my parents saw him not so long ago and they jokingly said i bet he was arguing with his new partner who was going to buy their child a lollipop!

He was like it due to his upbringing, his father spent all the money and it had a detrimental effect on him. I can see that now. But it isn't a nice place to be, i am all for paying my share but this was bordering on the ridiculous. My DH is the complete opposite and will treat everyone, in fact i have to rein him in!

I would speak to him about it before it gets any worse, it is obviously causing you some distress and perhaps he isn't aware he is doing it? Could be the way he has always been.

Only1scoop · 13/02/2014 13:43

I don't believe being treated chivalrously and taken out to dinner and dp paying....gives you any awful 'Princess type status'....

Offred · 13/02/2014 13:43

Does it matter whether you're male or female ola, normal to assume people on mn are female I think but apologies anyway.

I wasn't referring to what you said, I was referring to what I said. Yes there were a few other women on the thread who had greater disposable income and felt the same. Did you not read the responses?

Offred · 13/02/2014 13:47

It isn't a mn secret that I've had (had being the operative word) abusive relationships. In fact it's part of why I'm so passionate about it. Thanks for the concern about the current relationship but a lot has happened since that thread and I was never "worried about abusing" him. Saying I need to deal with the consequences of having been abused was a moot point on that thread and this.

Either way, I've reasoned out why I have my beliefs. You haven't you just keep saying "but men do x and women should be treated like princesses". Explain why.

Offred · 13/02/2014 13:49

And I'm not particularly looking for a relationship that "goes the distance" I'd like a relationship that's healthy rather than long but isn't it telling you keep referring to length as a goal rather than talking about why your views equal quality.

expatinscotland · 13/02/2014 13:51

And don't stay with someone because your kids would be 'devastated'. This is a boyfriend, not a close relation. Your kids are going to grow up and leave home.

It's not difficult at all.

'We don't see eye to eye when it comes to money. I'm not comfortable with this in the long-term and am looking for someone who has a more generous spirit. I think it's best if we go our separate ways.'

This will ALWAYS be a huge issue because he is tight.

Life is way too short for meanness.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 13/02/2014 13:54

No, independent means not expecting another adult to support you. I repeat, you sound graspy. Why should he pay more than half?

How is the OP graspy? Confused her boyfriend kindly extends offers to lovley restaurants that she can't afford.. eats more than her and expects half the bill. She is subsidizing him! And he makes more than her!

It's ridiculous. OP I could understand if he expected you to pay half the time..and let you choose places you could afford to do so..that's how you pay when someone asks the other person ask. But splitting the bill when he took you some where seems weird IMO. Hopefully he realises he's being tight and you can figure this out together.

Please don't be one of the posters ina years time who moved their partner in though and then realised he wasn't going to help with bills past "his share" and then they lost child benefits etc. Figure it out to the penny before you move in together

expatinscotland · 13/02/2014 13:56

I'll bet you London to a brick, too, that his tightness played a part in the breakup of his marriage. That he is still niggled about buying his wife a £200 pair of boots says a lot.