Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexting/Phone Sex Etiquette

79 replies

DizzyGoat · 13/01/2014 13:51

Have NC! (Naice Ham, Poo Troll, entitled to goats)

For the last 3 months I've had a very slowly developing relationship with a guy who has decided he needs to work on his priorities, work/life balance etc. He's been in this country (previously in the US) for 3 years and not had a girlfriend. But he's chosen me as being top of the list if he ever gets the time. (For short I'd call that commitment phobic but there we go).

Anyway, we've held hands once, snogged twice and one day (TMI) he got over excited and - did make sure I enjoyed myself first though!

In the last couple of weeks we've "sexted" twice (NO PICTURES!!!) and last night had phone sex for the first time in my life. Damn fine, can recommend it Grin

But in neither format have we ever described going all the way, just the kind of thing we've done so far (and I did introduce some lace and massage oil last night!)

So, when we do it again (pretty sure a precedent has been set now) should I take the conversation in the direction of full sex or not? Perhaps he doesn't want to go that far IRL because he can't commit so would it be appropriate to describe such things if they won't happen. Or would he be completely overjoyed and rush round to my house immediately? Or could I scare him off?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2014 13:56

You're top of the list if he gets the time? Hmm You realise this is not a relationship and you're just a FWB don't you?

Bogeyface · 13/01/2014 13:58

You have posted about this guy before havent you? The phrase about being "top of his list" rings a bell.

If you have then I recall you were told then that this guy was a using loser and tio chuck him back. I wonder why you didnt.

AnyFucker · 13/01/2014 14:00

Christ Almighty, is this the best you can get ?

Think again.

desperatelyseekingsolace · 13/01/2014 14:03

sorry, but this guy is stringing you along big time.

I have a friend who was once in "relationship" like this... they met periodically (once every 2-3 months), he kept saying he was really busy and wanted to make time for stuff and sort his life out before he got into a relationship with her etc etc. Turned out he was in a live-in relationship.

This guy isn't just a commitment phobe, he has no interest in even having a fling with you.

Unless you genuinely want totally no-strings "phone" sex (whatever that is) in which case fill your boots I'd steer well clear.

TheArticFunky · 13/01/2014 14:03

Are you happy to talk smutty to some bloke who isn't even interested. I would rather sort out the kitchen cupboards.

NeoFaust · 13/01/2014 14:07

I've had all the way phone sex with people in Australia who I'm never going to get a chance to meet. It's a shared fantasy - enjoy it to whatever extent YOU feel comfortable with, just don't let it define your real world expectations.

Pro-tip: He'll probably round up the inches.

LineRunner · 13/01/2014 14:10

He sounds very unlikeable.

meditrina · 13/01/2014 14:11

On "his list"? Good grief.

It's about time you looked at your list - and added some men who,might actually be open to the idea of a relationship.

Only phone sex? You could be anyone.

SourSweets · 13/01/2014 15:16

Ditch him, that sounds truly awful.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/01/2014 15:56

TBH OP, if you enjoy phone sex and are good at it, you might as well earn money by doing it. PM me if you want details of companies who pay a decent rate.

Heathcliff27 · 13/01/2014 16:00

Wow, you're top of his list...you must be so proud. Where's your self respect woman!!

Neitheronethingortheother · 13/01/2014 16:03

Whats all the way phone sex? Do you shove the phone up your fanjo with him on it?

AnyFucker · 13/01/2014 16:33

Now now, neither

Every good MN'er knows that "sex" does not just refer to penetration. Tsk..

TheGinLushMinion · 13/01/2014 17:11

He's chosen you as top of his list if he ever gets the time? Fuck me, what a catch Hmm

brokenhearted55a · 13/01/2014 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 13/01/2014 17:19

He must have a cock of solid gold Confused

ALittleStranger · 13/01/2014 18:31

The problem you're asking for advice on isn't actually the problem, but you know that right?

The point of phone sex is you can say any old thing that turns you and the other person on.

But the point of this "relationship" is what exactly?

Original poster
DizzyGoat · 13/01/2014 19:36

Thank you all so much for your input (!) - I'd forgotten that Relationships was the home of LTB Grin

Well, yes, its complicated and on the surface does not sound good. But this is the only sort of interaction with a male that I can cope with right now.

It is well teenage, I know that. But I have come out of (over the last 15 years) vicious DV which left me with injuries that left me disabled, that combined with EA from the same person. I got away but got landed with his mate who was a heroin addict. Eventually got beaten up by him after 4 years of financial exploitation when I refused to give him money for a bag of smack.

So crumbs is all I really want, and I do find it really sweet and yes, exciting. He does work 72 hours a week so I do know that he's not with anyone else. The situation is complicated by cultural constraints (mainly his boss who treats him like a child) as I am of a different culture to them. He says that his boss constantly drums into him and the other workers that they should not have relationships due to the hours they work (!)

Also, he's hesitant because he feels that within the next 3 months he might just decide to go back to his home country as to him England = exploitation. Right at the beginning he asked me to be patient while he decided what he was going to do, which suits me.

OP posts:
Original poster
DizzyGoat · 13/01/2014 20:46

Sorry, just had to move onto phone in private. So, considering the back story may have something to do with the lack of full sex, would it be wrong to refer to it when all we indulge in at the moment is touching?

By the way, I could have txt him today and had a repeat of last night but I decided I didn't want to overdo it. Keeping things to once a week seems good to me.

OP posts:
nickymanchester · 13/01/2014 20:47

Normally, I would totally disagree with much that AnyFucker says. I really do hate to say this but, this time, I do totally agree with what she said in this case.

Christ Almighty, is this the best you can get ?

Think again.

FaerieBells · 13/01/2014 20:52

He does work 72 hours a week so I do know that he's not with anyone else

Um...how long does it take for him to go from nought to exactly, OP? That still leaves a hell of a lot of hours when he's not at work.

And - why are you bothered about exclusivity? Confused

Farahilda · 13/01/2014 20:54

"He must have a cock of solid gold purest green"

Or a thingy shaped just like a turnip.

JessMcL · 13/01/2014 20:54

The next time you speak to him on the phone will be for phone sex. I guarantee it.

nickymanchester · 13/01/2014 20:56

DizzyGoat

Sorry, your post at 19:36 wasn't showing on mumsnet when I posted.

Please, never, ever progress at any faster rate than you feel comfortable with.

I really am the last person that will ever say LTB, it is normally me arguing against that. But your OP did give a very different impression from your second post.

If this is all you want at the moment then enjoy it and don't let anyone here pressurise you into not doing something that you want to do.

AnyFucker · 13/01/2014 20:56

Nicky, would it have killed you to simply type "I agree with AF" ?

Or, alternatively, type something similar if you concur ?

What you did do just looks simply rude and unwarranted