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Original poster

Would you tell your abusive ex-Hs new partner about his history?

43 replies

ivegotaniphone · 03/01/2014 23:07

He has thrown himself into new relationship. She has three children and seems from twitter quite sensible, well educated etc, but has launched into relationship statuses on Facebook after only a couple of months. Has was EA since I had DS, progressed to a bit of physical stuff in last few years. He is in army and their welfare service reported him to SS, although no action was taken as I was about to move out by then. Feel I should tell her. Or should I but out?

OP posts:
ChelseaBun · 03/01/2014 23:22

There was a lady on the Womens' Aid forum who found herself in the dock for telling her ex's employers about his DV. So I'd tread very carefully here for your own safety.

If she were able to see the army's welfare service reports on him, that might give her some insight into his character but I don't know how you'd go about it.

If you speak to her directly, you do realise he will paint you as the ex from hell who wants him back, don't you?

It's a difficult one but do you know any of his army colleagues who might be able to help? And do you think her children are at risk from him?

FloraSpreadableMacDonald · 03/01/2014 23:23

I would not mention it myself otherwise it looks ike youre interfering. Is there a friend who could let it slip to her? Could you even mention your concern to your HV, especially if SS were involved.
You should concentrate on making a lucky escape. Good luck.

morethanpotatoprints · 03/01/2014 23:25

I know of a few who haven't.
Not sure if this helps, sorry

HissyNewYear · 03/01/2014 23:30

Could you call 101 for advice, or WA? Ask about clare's law and if the SS thing ought to trigger police disclosure, as sh has dc?

BillyBanter · 03/01/2014 23:33

Well you could tell SS, as a follow up to the army's report to them?

You could tell her and say you don't expect her to believe you and you know that he will paint a different picture if she brings it up to him but at least if you've told her maybe when the red flags start waving she will be quick to recognise them.

Or if there is a mutual friend they might be able to talk to her about his past.

It's very unlikely she will pay attention either way. I expect he's being lovely just now.

StupidMistakes · 03/01/2014 23:33

If you divorced him the divorce petition is public property so if you put the abuse on the divorce as I did anyone including his new partner can access that.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 03/01/2014 23:34

As hard as it is to keep out of it, sadly it's not your place to police his love life any more.

Hopefully she's a sensible lady and will stand her ground. Without shared DCs it's easier to walk away from a relationship that doesn't make you happy, so hopefully if he shows his true colours she will have the strength and independence to LTB.

Or perhaps he has realised that his behaviour is unacceptable as it lost him the relationship he had with you?

Fwiw I don't think a few months is necessarily "launching" into anything, I thought you were going to say a few days! If you're concerned about her, be nice and approachable when you meet her and then she'll feel able to speak to you if anything crops up.

tiamariaxxx · 03/01/2014 23:37

Id stay out of it, obviously you want to look out for her but tbh it will only make you look like the bitter ex stirring.

bragmatic · 03/01/2014 23:39

If she was going to be seeing my children, I'd make it my business to know her. If asked, I'd tell the truth.

Twinklestein · 04/01/2014 00:43

I dunno, on the one hand it's none of your business, on the other a friend of my mother's almost died after being beaten up by her husband, whom all his friends knew had tried to kill his first wife (but didn't tell her).

I would go out of my way to make sure she had that information, but accept she may not believe it, and also that most people on here will tell you not to.

CaptChaos · 04/01/2014 05:06

You could, I suppose, call AWS and let them know that he has a new partner who has children. If they were concerned enough about your situation to go to SS about it, they may well either go through that route, or through his CoC with regard to this new partner. They may also do nothing, they aren't married, and therefore the Army has no duty of care to his new partner.

Personally, I would keep out of it with regard to letting her know yourself. He has almost certainly painted you as an utter bastard, and anything you say will be disregarded. You might want to do it indirectly, but, unless there are red flags waving, she probably won't believe it.

dobedobedo · 04/01/2014 06:39

My abusive ex's ex warned me about him and I thought she was a sad, desperate cow. That's what my ex at the time said about her. I was in love, I didn't want to hear it.
It was only after he ruined my life, I remembered her warning.
Then when he got with someone else, I thought about telling her what he was like, but figured she'd react the same as I did. I just hoped she had more confidence than I did and would see the red flags sooner rather than later. Sad

I don't have any advice as such, but there's some experience for you at least.

gamerchick · 04/01/2014 06:46

I tried but as above she thought I was sad and just wanted him back. I think she probably remembers now though as she's trying to get rid of him.
I wouldn't bother.

However if SS were involved at any point.. I would give them a ring re the kids so it's on file.

gamerchick · 04/01/2014 06:46

I tried but as above she thought I was sad and just wanted him back. I think she probably remembers now though as she's trying to get rid of him.
I wouldn't bother.

However if SS were involved at any point.. I would give them a ring re the kids so it's on file.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2014 06:58

Normally I'd say butt out, but as she has children I think I'd take a risk. Not verbally, however, and certainly no explicit accusations. One short communication (a letter perhaps) wishing her well but urging caution. Literally no more than one line. If she wants to ignore it and write you off as a bitter ex trying to spoil things, that's then her look-out. If it prompts her to ask a few questions, great.

Rooners · 04/01/2014 07:06

I would find a way to hint, or to get someone she knew to hint.

Can you talk to a friend of hers who you know well enough for them to say, 'look, ive says he's a bit dodgy - be careful.'

She needs to hear it from someone she trusts.

I was told about ex by his old partner - but only once I had dumped him and he had gone back to her. Then I got a load of phone calls saying he had been beating her up for years and the police had been involved etc.

By then I didn't want him back anyway as he'd shown signs of being abusive and I didn't want to live that way. She still wanted him. So she could have been making it up but I doubt it. It was still quite shocking, but believable by that stage.

Anything to sow a seed of doubt, I think, is worth doing. But be careful not to land yourself in any trouble.

Rooners · 04/01/2014 07:10

Also to some people, even if you are making it up, the fact that he has got an ex willing to do that will put them off having much to do with him anyway as it kind of makes it look like he was going out with a weirdo.

iyswim? So either you're lying, and therefore pretty weird and he was going out with/is still potentially involved with some sort of weirdo, OR, you're telling the truth and he is abusive.

Depends if you are prepared to take the risk of being thought of as a liar/loon though!

Original poster
ivegotaniphone · 04/01/2014 07:25

Thanks everyone. I left him 6 monthsa Go, he was devastated. They have known each other two months. She is 200 miles away from me. She lives in the same town as his 13 yr old daughter with a previous partner whom he hasnt seen for 12 years. You couldn't make it up. He was much more pleasant with me soon after we split but has gone back to old bullying ways now. They want to take DS on holiday at the beginning of April. DS has met her once so far.

OP posts:
Original poster
ivegotaniphone · 04/01/2014 07:37

Should add most of the abuse was directed at me but because he did it in front of DS army reported him as a child protection risk. With DS be was just a bit inconsistent, all over him one day and then cold and critical the next. He is better with DS now than he used to be.

OP posts:
Original poster
ivegotaniphone · 04/01/2014 07:48

I think Couple of months is rushing, when you both have children and one of you is in the middle of being divorced for unreasonable behaviour?

OP posts:
CuntyBunty · 04/01/2014 07:53

Tell her. You owe him nothing and you will be able to live with yourself if he hurts her.

I think we should all be singing like canaries, naming and shaming, openly pointing fingers in the street at these "specimens". I'd love a bit more of a backlash and some direct action, so I am at the extreme end of the scale when it comes to that.

Rooners · 04/01/2014 07:59

Just watch that he can't figure out it was you. Or it could make your life difficult.

I think that is often why it is not passed on, this information - the fear of reprisal.

Original poster
ivegotaniphone · 04/01/2014 08:23

Thank you Cuntybunty. I can understand why a professional would get into trouble for telling someone's employers, but don't understand why I can't say to someone "he hit me. Make sure he doesnt do it to you". Surely I'm not breaking any laws?

OP posts:
Dolphinnoises · 04/01/2014 09:48

I think alerting SS is the better idea, especially if she has children. It will be better coming from them.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 04/01/2014 10:36

CuntyBunty, I'd love to go round naming and shaming the bastards too, but as some posters have said, an ex telling you that your new love is an arsehole will never be taken seriously - he will have primed the new woman by telling her that his ex is a nutter/psycho/still loves him and wants him back etc.

Rather than making it about the man I'd rather see women empowered to call out the bastards on their EA behaviour, retain their independence and an escape route in case things go tits up and to have the confidence to walk away.

Knowing that someone can be violent isn't enough in itself to make some people leave - I 'allowed' my ex to push me, crush my fingers, bite my face and strangle me. I split up but we still got back together after that Blush It wasn't until he lied about smoking weed that I finally dumped him. Do I wish I could warn his now wife? Yes, but would she believe me? Probably not, and if she did, she's in love with him, would swear that he's changed, he was only like it because I was a deranged loon etc.

I just think it will paint the OP in an unfavourable light, regardless of how subtle or minimal her message.