Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

On the brink of divorce...I think

22 replies

Deckmyballs · 27/12/2013 22:09

So I don't know where to start really.
I have dh and 3 DC's. Dh and I have been together 8-9 years. Looking back I think only the first 4/5 years were good and the rest have just happened iykwim...
He used to be so outgoing and funny and he would make such an effort with other people and me. He had such drive and passion for his work and was very get up and go - all of these things are what stole my heart.

Now he sits on the sofa, on his phone playing games, moans about his work (and has been through several jobs in the past few years as well as being unemployed for quite a lot of time) and not really understood when I've said he just has to get on and not quit as we have a family. He isn't chatty to other people, it's quite embarrassing at times actually. He can be rude. He doesn't play with the kids and it seems like he feels that they're a big inconvenience for him. When people ask him about kids his answer is always 'a word of advice, stop at 2' Sad
He doesn't exercise, socialise, want to do anything. He complains that I arrange things for us to do. He says I make him miserable and treat him like shit but yet because our home phone wasn't charged the other day I was asked 'what the hell do you do all day??'

He hasn't had affairs that I know of but has had dodgy relations with females (meeting up with innocently apparently but failing to mention to me about it)

I'm just a bit lost really. I think he's depressed but no idea how to help him. He doesn't believe in meds for depression and won't go to the dr for anything at all. I have said all the above to him during a row but he just doesn't care. He says he'll just put on his fake smile and get on with it. I can't stand it any more Sad

Not sure what I'm after tho opinions would be nice I think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Deckmyballs · 27/12/2013 22:12

*he also doesn't bother with birthday/christmas/anniversary gifts for me which annoys me as I always make such an effort for him (then he says I don't care about him?) and I don't mean money I just mean thoughtfulness.
And says he wished he had time just to himself sometimes (don't we all!!) I've said to him we would all like this and that's fine although why does he think he's entitled to this when it should be family time? (He works away every week so has plenty of time then for 'me' time)

OP posts:
Vivacia · 27/12/2013 22:13

I was going to suggest that you calmly, clearly and very specifically draw your lines in the sand. But it sounds as though you've done this.

Get legal advice and ask him for a trial separation?

Lizzabadger · 27/12/2013 22:22

It sounds like he's completely disengaged from the relationship (and possibly the family). Often affairs are behind this.

What do you want to do? Do you want to try relationship counselling (would he go?) or do you think it's gone past that?

Original poster
Deckmyballs · 27/12/2013 22:30

I really can't see how he could've had an affair tbh. Other than working away (and he works alone on the road in different locations) he spends his time at home.

I really don't know what I want to do. I want him to be that guy I fell in love with again, or at least to try and be human which it just doesn't feel like he is. When we had 1 dc he was such a doting dad but now he just doesn't have the time for them despite doing nothing else Sad

OP posts:
Lizzabadger · 27/12/2013 22:32

Relationship counselling then?

RatherBeRiding · 27/12/2013 22:32

Reading your post I started to think "depression" long before I got to your last paragraph. But the thing about depression is that you can't help anyone who won't help themselves by acknowledging that it might be the problem, and seeking help and advice on managing it. There could also be a large element of feeling sorry for himself because of the job situation.

But whatever it is, there's only one person who can address it and that's him. If he's not willing to then you can only do what's best for you, and that might involve calling time on the relationship. Doesn't sound as though you are getting anything out of it at the moment. The dodgy relationships with other women also sounds rather red flag.

AlfAlf · 27/12/2013 22:41

I think depression or affair (or depression and affair). Have you checked his phone/email?
If you're really sure he isn't having an affair (and I wouldn't be, going on what you've said), then do you think he would respond to an ultimatum? He gets help or you separate?

Cabrinha · 27/12/2013 22:42

He sounds like a cock. I'd buy depression for not showing a zest for life - but what's the reason for bitching at you about what you do all day? That's not depression, that's him being an arse.

If he works away he may not be having some grand passion affair, but it doesn't me he isn't hooking up with other women. I'm not trying to kick you when you're down, just saying keep your eyes open.

The only thing I would say in his "defence"... I work away in the week a lot, it isn't really proper "me time". Yeah, you're not looking after a child - but you're stuck miles from home, can't meet mates, do a regular activity like a sports club, and in my own experience what may have looked like fun nights out at restaurants was actually just 2 more hours of work mode, talking work, saying the right thing...
Of course you're getting none of that, but I'm just saying you can work away and still benefit from "me time". But you're second in line after the home parent!

Original poster
Deckmyballs · 27/12/2013 23:08

I would consider relationship counselling but I'm not sure he would.

I've suggested calling it a day in a kind of 'surely you're going to stand up and do something now' way and he's just said 'just tell me what I need to do and I'll do it' almost like he isn't taking me seriously? Tbh I really don't want to have a failed marriage and more importantly a separated family but I came from a broken home and before the break my parents were at each other's throats all the time and it was awful so def don't want that for my kids.

Don't get me wrong we don't have full arguments in front of the kids but have bickered.

The kids adore their daddy and desperately want him to do things with them. Dd1 is obsessed with him and he just can't be bothered, it's so sad to watch.

I just can't see the affair thing and no I haven't checked the phone or emails as he has them password protected (always has done, never thought anything of it) I guess it's not impossible but just struggle to see how he could even have the vavavoom for it!

I know being away must be tough sometimes and not always a holy but god what I'd give for a bit of time to myself to lie in a hotel room watching mindless tv then getting up leisurely in the morning and going for a full English instead of hearing kids bickering before making breakfast for the 5000!

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 28/12/2013 00:03

It's one thing to password protect phones and e mails, but there is no good reason for a partner not to know what those passwords are.

I'd be thinking affair/infidelity more than depression. He's got form, he's got opportunity, he's completely detached from you and family life.

Don't mistake despairing neediness in the kids for 'adoration'. Also perhaps it's time to recognise this is a failing marriage and an already broken home. Just because the two parents haven't formally separated, doesn't mean it's not broken.

What are you getting out of your personal relationship with him now?

Original poster
Deckmyballs · 28/12/2013 00:12

We've never been one to sharing passwords other than mutual ones tbh so I've never thought anything of it. If I have something on my phone I need tho he knows the number to use as it's our pin. Also my passwords are always the generic we use since I find it difficult to remember so many different ones! His aren't.

I've got to say I don't get much from it. Some days he's fine and actually has a bit of personality but mostly is just bare able. I guess because he does work away we don't spend much time together to have to get on.

That's another problem. We have not spent a night away from the kids in all the years they have been here (nearly 6) don't get me wrong we have had the odd few hours but I could count them on one hand. I don't think that helps Sad

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 28/12/2013 01:01

Well I think you need to work on your own line in the sand and then go from there.

He knows that your previous suggestions about splitting up were just hot air and a desperate attempt to get him to feel something, so I wouldn't suggest talking to him properly about this until you've worked out what you truly want yourself.

That might mean challenging some of the stuff you've got going on from your own childhood about 'broken homes' and acknowledging that there are lots of different families that work well because the parents are happier and there is less tension.

You could also go to counselling by yourself.

He doesn't step up as a dad now because he doesn't have to. If he had the kids on his own for days at a time, he'd have to parent because you wouldn't be there.

I'm not sure why you think infidelity is so unlikely when so many of the signs are there, but in a sense it doesn't matter unless discovery and the whole drama of it shook things up and he resolved to change and be a better, less selfish partner and father. What matters really is that as it stands, you're getting nothing out of the relationship and your kids are caught in a loop of getting a neglectful father to notice them, while seeing how unhappy their mother is.

Something needs to change and right now you're the only one who can do it, as he's not bothered. He gets his nights away, his kids looked after, his secrecy unchallenged and no doubt his laundry done and meals cooked. If no-one outside the relationship is placing any demands on him and no-one inside it is either, why would he want to change that?

NewJerseyHousewife · 28/12/2013 01:11

I think life just happened as he was so disengaged in his marriage and family. It takes two to make a marriage work, he sounds like he wants you to do all the work, he also sounds like an emotional vampire/parasite, sorry.

Joysmum · 28/12/2013 08:56

I thought I'd see things differently to most people in here. He's told you yes dreadfully unhappy in his work, not only that it means staying away and you've told him he just needs to get on with it!

He sounds unhappy and trapped, not like he's having an affair.

Original poster
Deckmyballs · 28/12/2013 09:24

I have been pretty harsh about it but this is after years of quitting jobs and hopping from one to the other and never liking anything. I feel like he's acting like a teenager in his first job rather than a responsible father and husband. He was also sacked a few years ago after receiving a driving ban for 6 months for speeding which left him unemployed and living off benefits for just under a year. That destroyed everything we had. Ours debts racked up massively to the point we couldn't cope anymore. I really resented him for this and probably still do if I'm honest.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 28/12/2013 09:27

Would you consider swapping roles?

Original poster
Deckmyballs · 28/12/2013 09:34

I couldn't earn enough to keep us and tbh I wouldn't trust him to do what has to be done (entertaining young children instead of being glued to his phone 24/7) and don't think he could cope with it. God If I've ever left the house for a few hours previously I've come home to a bomb site and he 'forgot' to give then lunch!

OP posts:
inadreamworld · 28/12/2013 09:39

I agree with joysmum He's told you yes dreadfully unhappy in his work, not only that it means staying away and you've told him he just needs to get on with it!

I don't think he wants to leave or is having an affair. He is just unhappy in his job and wants to feel you understand this and feels perhaps that you don't understand. MY DH was also very unhappy in a job, we took some time out, stayed with relatives, he didn't have a proper job for 8 months (we have 2 young children). I am glad I listened to him - now he is looking for something a bit different, a career change and we have downsized and paid off debts and we are both a lot happier and he is much less stressed. I don't think your DH feels he should have stopped at 2 kids - he just feels so unhappy he is saying things he doesn't mean.

I think the key is for you to talk to him and ask him about what changes he wants to make to his working life and how you can help him. Good luck, I really feel your marriage can be saved and I so much hope so. Good luck.

FreakinAllAboutSugar · 28/12/2013 09:59

If he is unhappy in his work, he should be looking for ways to change that will not adversely impact the family the way suddenly quitting and landing them in debt would.

OP, you are not his mother or his life coach, you are his equal partner. Unhappiness in professional life is no excuse for being a disengaged father and an unsupportive husband.

inadreamworld · 28/12/2013 11:07

Freakin has a point. My DH always good with the children even when unhappy in work. Perhaps he would go to counseling with you and in meantime talk to him about his work situation.

Original poster
Deckmyballs · 28/12/2013 11:33

All great advice ladies, thank you. I really don't want it to be over between us and also feel terrible that he must be so unhappy Sad I don't want that at all.
I'm going I have a big chat with him today. Fingers crossed it'll be successful, going by past experience it has never been!

OP posts:
inadreamworld · 30/12/2013 09:59

How did the chat go Deck? I hope things get better for you very soon.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread