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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being sworn at in front of my child

37 replies

TheCrumpetQueen · 30/11/2013 10:44

My partner can be shouty and when we argue or disagree he will immediately start shouting. I tell him to please not shout in front of ds (1yr old) as I don't want that for him.

What really upsets me is when he will call me names in front of ds (like arsehole, prick, dick). I just feel so sad and guilty for ds and I know one day he will think its ok to call me those names. I know he doesn't understand now, but it's not far off at all.

After the third argument this year,I've warned him not to ever talk to me like that and that I will leave him if he continues for the sake of ds - he deserves better. No one in my family has ever called me names, especially during minor-ish arguments. Don't really know what I'm asking for here, just could do with some support as I feel so down.

OP posts:
oldgrandmama · 30/11/2013 10:48

You poor thing. That's just awful. Bit of a deal-breaker, so far as I'm concerned. Bad enough to be called names anyway, but vile in front of any child, however young.

Are there other things going on in the relationship, along with the name calling? I'm sure other MNetters will be responding fast to you. Meanwhile, [hugs]

Anniegetyourgun · 30/11/2013 10:59

I think you're asking for validation that being sworn at is unacceptable. It is!

I put up with a lot of shit from XH over the years, but there were two lines in the sand very early on. One was when he called me a bitch. I told him that whilst adults do disagree sometimes, they do NOT use language like that to each other and that it was over if he persisted. The next time he even tried to use the B-word was 25 years later, when we were in the process of divorcing.

(The other line, if you are curious, was about tickling!)

MoonshineWashingLine · 30/11/2013 11:38

I could have written your post. Just the other day dp told me and dd to shut the fuck up. Hmmm I think I need to write my own thread :/ will be watching this one in the meantime!

ImperialBlether · 30/11/2013 11:38

That is really terrible. Bad enough that he's talking to you like that (personally I wouldn't put up with it and would leave if it continued) but to do it in front of your child is sending such an awful message to him that you would be negligent if you stayed with him, in my opinion.

I'm sorry; I think you and your son would be a lot happier without him.

Vivacia · 30/11/2013 11:50

Nobody speaks to me in this manner and if somebody tried I wouldn't have them in my life.

I know some couples live like this and find it part of the ups and downs of a relationship. To me it shows a complete lack of respect and love. Disagreeing and falling out is one thing. Being unkind, disrespectful and immature is another. This is not something you should put up if you don't want it.

The fact that he does it in front of a child takes it to another level for me.

Lweji · 30/11/2013 11:50

So sorry.

You are right not to put up with it, not only because of your son, but also for yourself.

You will need to act on it if he calls swears at you again. Or it won't stop.

You also need to stamp on the shouting. Walk away and tell him to come and speak to you when he's not shouting.

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 30/11/2013 11:51

I'm thinking the same more and more Imperial

My ds is the most important thing to me. I was brought up in a house where screaming matches happened a lot and it affected me deeply.

I won't let that happen to him.

I'm wondering if I'm eligable for shared housing or something. I have savings but can't afford a mortgage with my low salary. I need to find out about this on Monday.

It's just a cycle of being lovely to eachother, then something happens - usually sleep deprivation and then we argue and sometimes he name calls so I'm always waiting for it to happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 30/11/2013 11:53

How do I act on it Lweji? I've told him very sternly never to speak to me like that or it's over, I've messaged to say the same after to back it up.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 30/11/2013 11:53

I feel so low I just want to disappear right now

OP posts:
Vivacia · 30/11/2013 11:53

I'm always waiting for it to happen

That doesn't sound as though there are any lovely times.

Vivacia · 30/11/2013 11:55

I've told him very sternly never to speak to me like that or it's over, Do you mean it?

Lweji · 30/11/2013 11:55

Exactly, you have given an ultimatum, so you have to be prepared to actually leave and not back down.

Vivacia · 30/11/2013 11:56

I feel so low I just want to disappear right now What do you mean? I know this might sound stupid to some, but if that means hiding under a blanket or having a night away in a hotel, perhaps that's just what you need right now?

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 30/11/2013 11:59

Yes hiding away from everything. I'm so tired with ds and working just want to get away and not have to remember to do a million things a day

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 30/11/2013 12:00

I do mean it. But then when we're getting along well again it never seems that bad and I think maybe he won't do it when ds is bigger and talking.

I'm looking into housing on Monday as I don't want to be relying on him, I want my own property and security for me and ds

OP posts:
Vivacia · 30/11/2013 12:01

Is that an option? Can you take a short holiday and stay with a friend or relative for some TLC? I think people want to help, they just need to know that you need it. Some of us find it very difficult to ask for help when we need it.

Vivacia · 30/11/2013 12:02

I think maybe he won't do it when ds is bigger and talking. I can't see why you'd think this other than you'd wish it were true.

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 30/11/2013 12:03

Can't go to any relatives at the moment, called around but not possible. Just have to stay to myself today

OP posts:
Vivacia · 30/11/2013 12:03

I'm looking into housing on Monday as I don't want to be relying on him, I want my own property and security for me and ds

It might also help to think about how you'd make it a home. Ie as well as thinking about the practicalities, think how you'd make it that safe, comfortable place for you and your son too.

Lweji · 30/11/2013 12:06

Maybe staying away for a few days will give you a better perspective and space to think, and a wake up call for him.

Are you looking to buy in your name? If you continue to live with him, he may still have a claim to the house if he pays the bills while you pay the mortgage, for example. Check the legalities.

I do get the feeling that you want out, though. You can do it now, without waiting for him to swear at you again. You don't have to give second chances.

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 30/11/2013 12:18

We're renting now. I have the savings that would be going towards our deposit when we buy next year.

That's what I want, a safe place. I would like to move back nearer my family too.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 30/11/2013 12:19

I was at a relatives on Friday night, partner went out thurs and Friday with mates and had a nice lie in and day off. I'm knackered. Why should I go again leaving him with peace. I'd have to pack so much stuff for ds too, it's knackering

OP posts:
Vivacia · 30/11/2013 12:22

Think about it as aiming to increase your happiness rather than increase his unhappiness?

NigellasLeftNostril · 30/11/2013 12:31

Crumpet please just take your savings and leave him, it will never get better, I have been there and it is incredibly damaging for the child as well as you of course.
take care xx

Lweji · 30/11/2013 12:32

Or you could leave him holding the baby for a while.

You do need a rest and quiet time to think.