This is going to be long, sorry.
Quick background. Am single, have been for last 4 years, 40 next year, have friends, job, own flat, hobbies, but fed up going home every night to empty home and waking up alone. 9-year relationship broke down when I was 35. Dreading another lonely Christmas although working most of it. I have my parents and one set of very elderly grandparents but no other family. No children (never wanted any) but I do have a godchild.
My parents and I get on well to an extent but not really close or affectionate. They never were when I was a child. They never minded I didn't want kids. Six years ago mum agreed to give up work to look after an ex-neighbour's toddler instead. The child has had more affection and attention than I ever did and has always called them Grampy and Granny. He has had a bedroom in our home for some years, full of toys and things, and stays over regularly. They have taken him on holiday with them. We never went on holiday until I was 15 because they wouldn't put the dog in kennels. Three Christmases ago I realised there was only ONE photo of me in their living room (taken 5 years ago). There are dozens of this 'adopted grandchild', in the living room, the kitchen, everywhere. I think there might be one of me as a toddler upstairs. So two Christmases ago among their presents I gave them a photo frame with space for 3 photos and a label that said when they knew where to put it and which way up (landscape or portrait) I would give them 3 photos for it.
My nan obviously guessed why I gave this because in a quiet moment she actually said "I know why you've done that and I don't blame you, you never got that attention" Eventually my mum told me where it was going to go, so I got three good photos of me - one a sort of portrait thing and two of me doing hobbies. I have been over a couple of times this year and It still isn't up. After more than 2 years. There are more and more photos of someone else and more and more toys in his bedroom.
When I was in my teens, I rushed home with some exam results I was overjoyed with. I got in and my mum told me about a Saturday job going in the village. I wanted to tell her my news but she insisted I rang about the job first. I would get given board games at Xmas but they never played them with me, I'd have to go round my grandparents. We weren't well off for a long time and they certainly did a lot for me in terms of things but the more I look back the more I feel there was little affection. I had depression when I was 17 and have suffered a few times since. When I split with my ex, they did a lot of work on the flat I bought (Dad a builder) for which I was hugely grateful.
Christmas I will probably do the same as usual and go round in the morning, stay for lunch and then come home to my flat. Usually Mum and Dad will just sit watching TV the rest of the day, my grandparents will sleep they are so old now bless them, so pointless my being there being ignored.
I think a lot of my loneliness stems from the lack of affection and seeing how my parents are with this other child when they never were with me. I thought it was just me being silly for a while but the fact that my elderly nan spotted it too means it's not. My nan - and my parents - always said I was a very good child and teen, never caused them any worry or trouble.
I was going to tell them how all this has made me feel but the child's father has recently died. Which of course is devastating and I do feel sorry about it. But every time I visit and see almost nothing of me, their own son, but surrounded by everything to do with him, and constantly being told all the things they do with him they never did with me, it just rubs salt into the wounds. I worry this Christmas it will boil over and I may not be able to keep quiet.
Am I being a total git?