Does the passion die out ? what's it like in your relationship ?

[harvestwidows]

As someone who has been in a relationship with my OH for a few years, since I was 18 and I am now 23. I would still class this as an early stage seeing as we plan to spend the rest of our life together. We text/message each other daily and keep each other company that way. I come out to bring him his lunch and will sit on the tractor with him ( how romantic is that ? do you fancy keeping me company whilst I cultivate the field ?) . We are touchy feely, and always settle down snuggled up to watch the tele. OH has always been te perfect gentleman and is very romantic so I have yet to experience a change since the early days of a relationship. Without being TMI our sex life is great , again no change there apart from doing it 8 times a day I'm not sure how we managed that.

Now I was speaking to a friend who is five years older than me and she Is unhappy I wont put too much info on here but her husband and herself have drifted apart. As a relationship gets older does the contact and such go with it ? would be nice to see the views of other people on this subject.

Every relationship is different. Having children has made us slightly more functional as we just have to get some stuff done which takes away from cuddling on the sofa time.

I would say that we still have our spark but we need to make the effort to eat dinner at the table and talk to one another, to cuddle up on the sofa etc.

Sex life is heavily influenced by sleep depriving child so ask me in a few years if it's returned to it's completely healthy state rather than the whole family going for a lie down on a Sunday afternoon.

It's not inevitable that people drift apart but you have to pay attention (you plural) to your relationship or it can easily get taken for granted. Right now you're in the honeymoon phase of the relationship where you have zero stress, zero problems and freedom to be nothing but a couple. That's lovely and anyone can be happy in those circumstances. It's what happens when the sun goes in and it starts raining that tests a relationship. Financial pressures, jobs, children, disagreements over how the housework is divided, in-law issues, .... it's how you successfully you deal with conflicts and stress as a couple that determines whether you're miserable or happy.

BTW... If you're 8 times a day people and it drops to once a month ... you quickly find out if your relationship is built on sex or something more solid.

I once had a long term relationship with a young farmer. My gosh they have some stamina , despite working 24/7 literally, things never fizzled out after 7 years with him but I myself lost interest in the last couple of years simply because I couldn't keep up with his physical demands (admittedly there was an almost 10 year age gap between us!) and his octopus hands eventually became irritating as they were all over me all the time.

But I have to say, yes, there will be peaks and troughs in a healthy relationship, circumstances such as employment issues, pregnancy, child rearing, hormonal fluctuations due to medication, etc, general seasonal depression, all sorts really.

He is the only boyfriend with whom the 'passion died' as you call it, but there we're several contributing circumstances I suppose. He wanted to settle down and I didn't, he was just too much in my face all the time,not so much 'very affectionate' but constantly grabbing me or groping me. It turned me right orf I'm afraid, eventually.

My current boyfriend I have the serious fancying of pants for and cute er imagine myself fizzing out over him because I'm so completely smitten in every way.

I don't think there's a simple answer to that.

Feeling passion is about so much more than the other person turning you on. You can fancy the person you're with as much as the day you met them, but if other things are wrong with your life and you feel careworn rather than sexy, you just won't feel in the mood.

The biggest thing you can do to sustain the passion in your relationship is pay attention to who you are and how happy you are in all areas of your life, while treating your partner with the same care and respect you would hope for in return.

some really great replies to this, thought provoking indeed. Circumstances most definatly do change and we don't have anything to worry about as yet although we have faced a few problems along the way we always get through them.

In regards to Cogito and the 8 times a day, it has got less , butt his most definitely isn't just based on a physical relationship there is much more behind it.. understand how my original post may have led you to believe that. We are moving in together before Christmas and he has hinted at proposing during next harvest.

Glad to hear you are now completely happy Shares, I can relate to that feeling I don't know what I would do if I ever lost him

I'm sure it's not just a physical relationship but, if you're asking why some people drift apart, absence of intimacy (or a mismatch of expectations about intimacy) is a surprisingly common reason.

I think javing kods slows the passion down a little bit. Night feed, post baby body and general chaos definatley altered things for me! However I love dp to bits, find him massivley attractive and when my ds is older we can get bavk to how we were :)

Oh god the typos. So sorry.

When I was first with DH (and we married within the year) our relationship was wonderful- much as you describe (but maybe with lightly less sex!). I had no one else to worry about, other than work he was my focus. And I was his..
And now I have 3 DC, ageing parents, my DH's job is unbelievably difficult involving very long hours all the time- and I cannot join him in it!
So yes the relationship has changed. Its inevitable that the dynamics will change. Its how you deal with that I guess.
And its worth saying that when my kids were very small sex was easier to fit in than it is now that they lig around all evening 'getting in the way' and no longer nap at lunchtimes!!!

Right now you really don't have much to think about except each other. When you have children, and stretch marks, and a baby that wakes you up every two hours during the night, for an hour at a time, and a vagina that has passed two or three human beings through it, breasts that have been suckled on and that have had tissue changes during pregnancy, that droop a bit, and a whole family to organise, aging parents, a cat that throws up on the floor you've just cleaned.... then you may feel a lot less passionate.

Your husband, whom a lot less will have changed for, will get in from his field and want to bonk you, and you'll hate him for not realising that you haven't had a chance to have a shower all day, or that you haven't had a cup of tea, or that you haven't just had a second to yourself without someone bloody well WANTING something from you. And when you do have sex you'll be more self conscious, probably a bit fatter, a lot more tired.

Family life is wonderful but your sex life will slip a long way down the priority list, and no matter how you say 'It'll never happen to us', it will. You need to be on board to love him and to work hard at it, not just hope it magically stays wonderful for ever.

You don't live together yet, right?

The passion will change. Doesn't mean it will die out completely though. :)

I don't know, I need MN to help with this, as I've been with my DP for 2.5 years and living with him for over a year, and in the last 6 months I've felt a lot less like having sex with him than I used to. I used to want it all the time. Now I love physical affection from him but actually DTD makes me feel a bit queasy.

I got a lot of male attention at the weekend from hot strangers and feel a bit sad I won't ever again feel that same spark with my DP. I don't know what to do :(

Cosydressinggown, that is depressingly familiar, well said!

cosy - I don't know whether to feel or at your post. So true for so many women.

Does it have to be like that? I don't know. Based on my own personal experience - well, I left the father of my own DC when they were babies so can't really comment. Now my DC are older and I'm in a different relationship, the passion is not hampered at all by life pressures or my DC but BF and I don't live together, which probably has something to do with it. I know that in the years of being a single mother when my DC were small, the only thing I ever wanted to get up to in the bedroom was sleep. The mere thought of sex was exhausting, even assuming I'd had anyone in mind to make me want to have it with them.

I do know of women who say they have managed to maintain the passion throughout their relationship, including the early years of children, but they are rare. They also tend to have a few things in common - babies who sleep well, a very good support network, a DH who does more than his fair share at home, and a life of their own outside the marriage and children.

I have been with my husband for 10 years and I still fancy the pants off him although we only DTD rarely as we have 3 very small kids and are permanently knackered. I think the key is to keep kissing, treat them how you would treat your best friend (ie with consideration) and to be realistic. It is not all hearts and roses and fun all the time. It is a bloody slog a lot of the time, but as long as you can still imagine enjoying being with them when you are grey and old then it is worth pushing yourself to pretend interest in F1 or their work problems in order that they feel appreciated and understand that equally they probably don't find every aspect of your life fascinating, but in relationships people make an effort. Try very very hard to make even 5 mins a day for a cuddle and an I love you.