"I'm praying for you." Or how to deal with my mother...

[WithRedWine]

So after spending the past 3 months of my pregnancy without any family support, I got a text from my mother.

"Hello redwine, as we haven't heard from you, we presume you're still angry. The most important thing to remember is that we love you. Don't know why you felt you had to storm off like that when a cup of tea and a hug would've made all the difference.Why can you never bring yourself to. say sorry? We are praying for you daily

What's the back story?

Don't want to read and run but it clearly looks like she's totally ignoring the reason why you 'stormed out'. Sure someone will be along with advice in a bit

what were you angry about?

Also no idea of the back story but that sounds like a slightly cackhanded attempt at an olive branch. Is she in the habit of praying for people?

why did you 'storm out'?

It sounds like a very passive-aggressive attempt at an olive branch IMO. "Don't know why you felt you had to storm off like that"? That's more like an accusation. What's wrong with "I'm sorry we hurt you"?

Sorry, posting on the main site from my mobile as can't seem to get back to the mobile site. don't mean to drip feed.

Basically i was already heavily pg with dc3 when we last visited over the summer. Had intended to stay 3 days. on the second day, sis who still lives at home flew I
nto an almighty strop about something or other and wouldn't leave her room. M goes up to speak to her then comes back down silently and looks dejectedly at the meal she's just made,.prodding it with a fork. I say 'Is everything alright?' & whisper 'is it anything we've done?' as I'm not sure what sis is upset about. M slams her fork down and carries her plate out of the room.

That was realky the last we, & our dcs saw of either of them that visit. M holes herself up in sis's room for the next 5 hours. Occasionally one of the dcs goes to check they're alright and as i whisk them back downstairs i can hear giggling coming from voth m & sis. A couple of times that evening I go up to say 'are you ok? do you want a cup of tea or anything?' & basically they both shoo me away.

About 8 in the evening once the dcs are calmed down & in bed, dh & i resolve to leave the next morning if things are still weird. About 9pm sis finally comes down & tells us what difficult guests we are, then starts yelling about the couole of hours she spent watching the dcs the day before, & how ungrateful we are. I say, 'hang on , you didn't have to look after then if you didn't want to. you only had to say.'

Then she rants a bit more about how awful & how much hard work our dcs are. I polutely remind her that I spent much of my teenage years looking after her, & she wasn't exactly a model child. She storms off again. M comes down & wants to know what the yelling was about. I tell her, she skulks off, defending sis.

So the dcs are a bit worried when we leave early the next morning. M stands on the dooorstep shoutingg she doesn't know what's wrong with us. Dcs start crying & we head off. That's the last we saw of them or heard from them. And now this text. Baby is due in a few weeks.

Is your dad still around or is it just your mum and sister in the house? Just wondering if you could ask him what's really behind this..

Otherwise I would just send a polite reply and invite her to see the new baby when you're ready - visits to be at your home in future.

Christ, they sound like a nightmare. Say sorry, but without telling you what you've done that's caused offence?

Delete the text. You're doing well enough without them. Their prayers are between them and God and can be safely ignored too.

I would just reply curtly

'I did not storm out, our family left very bewildered and upset at your and dsis's rude behaviour. you spent a lot of our last vistit either shut away in dsis room talking about us or being very rude. As it is I feel that we have nothing to apologise for but rather it is the other way around. please be on touch when this is forthcoming and dsis had grown up.'

or some such

jean my dad"s still at home but just doesn't engage in emotional stuff really. tends to have his head in a book or newspaper.

I assume this isn't an isolated incident then?

notyo i have been trying to compose sonething along those lines but know that whatever i write she'll just twist into something else, but not before relaying the whole thing to my extended family.

this sort of thing seems to flare up every year or so- the last worst time was when i'd just had dc2 & she took it upon herself to smack dd1 repeatedly, which i supoose what part of her 'helping' me after the birth.

I would just not bother to reply. If whatever you do say will be twisted, there is no point.

Then send a "baby has arrived card" followed by a Christmas Card. But basically ignore.

It doesn't sound as though you need her "help" after the baby is born, really.

MangelWorsels Well, sis was about to start university last thing we heard. Haven't heard anything from them since then so presume she's temporarily moved into halls by now.

anyone who slagged my children off would be dead to me, family or not YANBU.

wait, she repeatedly smacked dd1??!
unacceptable
Ignore the email, make separate contact with your father if you can and you want to, otherwise leave them to it.

I completely agree with Mummytime's response. That is; no response. You already know she'll twist what you say, and/or share it about. No response is the only real way forward.

Oh, and I'm now suspicious about the timing.

She's on her own with non-engaging Dad. Precious daughter is away in halls. Where will her focus go next...

snowqueen yes, dd1 was only 3 at the time. M wasn't part of my life for at least 6 months after that, but she wormed her way back in, and look where that got me.

it's hard because i look around at friends who have parents & inlaws who genuinely help out a lot, & i feel sad my dcs will never experience that kind of love & care which comes without strings attached. my dad's parents were always there in a non-judgemental way when i was growing up & i just wish my family were like that. times have changed i suppose. or maybe i'm just crap at dealing with them.

lookingthrough yes, i had that thought in the back of my mind too. i do have another sister & a brother too, but they're pretty unapologetoc about going off & living their own lis. they're not manipulable, or needy, i suppose.

I don't think you should ignore the text, if you were visiting a couple of months ago for several days then you obviously usually have a decent relationship with her. You have as much right as your sister to voice your feelings, your sister sounds like spoilt brat btw!

Just tell her calmly why you left, the ball is in her court then.

I would be inclined to ignore tbh. She sounds just like my MIL ie a bit bonkers and if you engage you'll just give her more ammunition. Stress like this is the last thing you need with another baby on the way. What does your DH think?

My DH had to basically ignore his mother and while he hasn't fallen out with her their relationship is quite fragile as she uses any excuse to be nasty and it really upsets him, so ignoring is the best way for him to cope with her.