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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How many people in the last six months have discovered/been told that their partner is having an affair?

47 replies

PTFsWife · 10/10/2013 19:40

Because every day there seems to be another person coming onto MN saying that they have just found out about their partner having an affair. I find it gobsmacking how many people must be having affairs. And also really interested to know how many of those are ending up separated vs trying to stick together.

So if you are one of the people who has recently discovered that their partner is having an affair/had an affair, sign up here. How far along are you in this merry process? Are you staying together or not or undecided?

I'll start.

Found out a month and a half ago.
We are trying to work it out and stay together. I think we will succeed.
He is doing everything he can to make it work.

and to everyone else going through this.

OP posts:

Mosman · 10/10/2013 20:05

Eight months for me .... We are in the sand house for financial/practical reasons.
I'm seeing somebody new, have a new job, new friends, kids are doing ok. He looks like he could burst into tears most days at any moment and I haven't even told him about new man and my plans there yet.
Our relationship was completely fucked by the revealing of the affairs as there were several over a long period of time.

Mosman · 10/10/2013 20:05

Same house not sand house

alphacourse · 10/10/2013 20:36

It will be 6 months on Sunday since I found out about the dating sites, and 4 months since I found out he had actually been unfaithful with 2 women and met at least 6 others (DC3 was 3 months old when I found out). He moved out 6 weeks ago. I haven't bolted the door, but he doesn't have a key either. Fecking intimacy disorders and fuckwittery. I look like a waif (5ft 9 and a size 6), had some stress induced epileptic seizures and have just had my first ever STI. He is the gift that keeps on giving.

herald · 10/10/2013 20:37

Nearly 4 months since my stbxw admitted to an affair,my solicitor told me today the divorce will be complete within the next 8 weeks. Could not forgive her and really don't think she wanted me too.

Original poster

PTFsWife · 10/10/2013 20:40

wow alphacourse. Hang in there. Sounds awful.

OP posts:

memorylapse · 10/10/2013 20:52

Its three years since my h gave me I dont love you speech..we limped on for a further 18 months during which time he left..came back..left again..continually denying involvement with a work colleage..I moved out in 2012 and finally the affair was admitted in may of this year..I went to see ow told her their was no need for secrecy anymore and I hoped they would be happy together..I then told h the same thing..he dumped her the next day..And said he wanted to try again..Im now happy living alone., after three years of hell..im glad to see the back of him..

saferniche · 10/10/2013 20:53

alphacourse ouch. And a baby too. I cannot imagine how you're coping. I hope family/friends are helping, that you have support.

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 10/10/2013 20:55

3 months since I found out about the dating site and one particular woman he would text and get dirty pictures from (that he got off to in our bathroom whilst I was next door in the bedroom looking after our 3 week old )

We're attempting to work through it. Some days are harder than others and even 3 months down the line we have massive arguments and long chats that include tears and rage.

Sucks.

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 10/10/2013 20:55

We're attempting to work through it. Some days are harder than others and even 3 months down the line we have massive arguments and long chats that include tears and rage.

Sucks.

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 10/10/2013 20:56

Sorry for double post. Stupid phone!

Justconfused · 10/10/2013 21:03

Found out 6 months ago. It came as a complete shock and when I look back I think I had a nervous breakdown. Started feeling a bit better in August but then started feeling bad again. I am on anti depressants now and hoping to feel a bit better soon. We are still together .. just. I am so angry that he did it and feel that he has let me and our DDs down. Not sure if Iove him anymore and sometimes when I look at him I feel that I hate him

holstenlips · 10/10/2013 21:05

Me..since Sept the 14th. Feeling rather shit at the moment and lonely. But being engaged to someone who could do that without me knowing was worse.

saferniche · 10/10/2013 21:08

PTFsWife it was seven months so I don't qualify. According to Chump lady I'm a unicorn. I know other unicorns too, so ime there's every chance you'll succeed if that's what you both want. On the other hand, no shame on you if you change your mind later. to you and good luck!

I don't know the statistics for reconciliation, reports vary widely. I assume most couples who survive this keep it more or less to themselves.

saferniche · 10/10/2013 21:16

reading these threads in the last few weeks has demonstrated over and over again how horrible infidelity is, the pain people suffer (me too) is so intense. And yet before this experience, even witnessing friends going through it, I didn't understand.

Whatnext074 · 10/10/2013 21:23

Almost a month for me since I found out that H was having affair with a woman he works with. He turned nasty to me overnight for about 2 months and I couldn't work out why, he still is now even though he's not with me anymore.

No chance of us getting back together, ashamed to say that I would consider it. I too am having my first STI test and I feel humiliated.

herald · 10/10/2013 21:36

saferniche I totally agree until it happened to me I never imagined how painful it can be,

00ricecakes00 · 10/10/2013 21:45

2.5 months since I found text from ex best friend to husband. Start divorce mediation this month, no reconciliation here, he is in 'love' and vile and aggressive to me, you think you know someone after 20 years, he is heading for a fall!

piggysarah1 · 10/10/2013 21:55

ohhh i discovered my (ex)husband was having an affair on 14 july, he had left us on 28 june, under the proviso, we needed a break... I asked if anyone else, he said no!! i delved and discovered an email of pictures of our girls sent to a tart... i confronted him, admitted it. The worst part is he met her at ascot onn 22 june and left us 6 days later... on our daughters 2nd birthday he was buying the tart underwear , and only saw our daughter for half an hour at 7 am. We tried again briefly, but i couldn't handle it. I chucked him out and have started divorce proceedings... i don't waste time. The best thing is him and her have split up 4 times in 3 months and now it is for good... I have so moved on.. lost 1 1/2 stone, mainly through vomiting every day through stress and not being able to eat. Now i am in a much better place, getting on with my life, looking after my girls . It has been the worst time of my life, but i realise now how strong i am, and what i am capable of doing on my own. Also my friends and family have been wonderful. It does et better. i take my hats off to those who can try again... i dont know how i didn't go to Abingdon and slap the tart..

Lucca22 · 10/10/2013 22:03

3 months since he left to live in a flat waiting for his loved one to join him. She still hasn't and now he wants us out of the house to fix her up with somewhere to live, such is love. He's done nothing but bad mouth me and tell everyone what a cow I am, he's living a life of a single person which will suit him down to the ground, especially on a Saturday night when he usually gets absolutely tanked.

LamaDrama · 10/10/2013 22:12

Me, I was left pregnant & nearly homeless.

I found somewhere to live & found someone to help me give birth.

I cried just today about the sheer devastation he left me in, but I will never let that bastard know Im still hurting.

He's never seen our child, he makes me feel sick you think you can trust your partner of nearly 10 years.

ElBombero · 10/10/2013 22:25

Such a heartbreaking thread. You women are incredible

Dito · 10/10/2013 22:39

1 week, still undecided, still raw but beginning to think.

Arethereanyusernamesleft · 10/10/2013 22:51

It's been 4 months since I found out about dh's emotional affair. It's been a rollercoaster ride of emotions since then and I don't feel we've made any progress whatsoever. He has tried to secretly reconnect with her 3 times so far. He shows no remorse, refuses to talk about it and is trying to sweep it all under the carpet. I've been stalked and sent abusive messages from ow and I've just about had enough of it all. This has been the worst year of my life (also had a load of other stuff to deal with).

I never would have imagined just how painful all this is. He was the only person in my life I have totally trusted. Not sure if we'll be able to work things out or not.

kumamon · 10/10/2013 23:19

Two weeks. I'm still trying to process everything and get him to tell me the full truth of what he has been up to. Neither me nor the other girl knew about each other, and I'm not sure which of us is the OW....

vichill · 10/10/2013 23:29

Here here elbombero. women are unbelievably resilient.

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