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Relationships

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Original poster

Can a gay person enjoy straight sex?

24 replies

makemineatripple · 10/10/2013 12:36

Hey

Might sound like an odd question, but bear with me.

First of all, my gf is gay, I'm bi. Although since being with her I'm starting to sway more towards being gay.

So that's how she sees herself now, but she's only ever been with men before me, but says that's simply because she was very much in the closet and was almost ashamed of her feelings. She couldn't be more opposite now.

We're been together a while now and I asked her if she ever actually enjoyed sex with a man if she now sees herself as gay. She said not really, but she would usually be able to orgasm. Now, I'm genuinely not judging. I understand that sexuality is a very complex thing and I don't believe it's as black and white as straight, gay, bi. However, I find it difficult to see how you could have sex with the wrong sex for you and still be able to orgasm. She says it's just the general act and that she could have done a better job herself and that doesn't mean that she finds herself sexually attractive Fair point I suppose.

So to sum up, I'm not judging and I'm not really concerned, but I was wondering what the general opinion was.

Can a gay person ever enjoy sex with someone of the opposite sex?

OP posts:

gussiegrips · 10/10/2013 12:39

I'll put the kettle on, did you bring the biscuits?

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 10/10/2013 12:43

Your girlfriend identifies as gay. She was able to enjoy sex with someone of the the opposite sex. Therefore the answer must be yes, unless you think she's lying about either enjoying it or being gay.

Personally I think sex is sex, doesn't matter who's pressing the buttons as long as they're being pressed, but being in love and wanting to be with someone is a different matter.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 10/10/2013 12:57

Well obviously your girlfriend can because she told you she can. So that answers your question.

Original poster

makemineatripple · 10/10/2013 12:57

gussie, foxes cream crunch ok?....

Mrs well there's no reason for her to lie I guess, because she is a very honest person and if she told me that she was bi and not gay, I wouldn't feel any different. I think it's more about how now she says she's almost disgusted by the idea of straight sex which was confusing me slightly. You're right though, when you're in love it's completely different.

OP posts:

Original poster

makemineatripple · 10/10/2013 13:00

Ehric, good point It just got me wondering what other people's opinions were

OP posts:

Fairylea · 10/10/2013 13:00

Does it bother you that she's slept with men before you? Because that's how it comes across.

She has already told you the answer to your question.

MooncupGoddess · 10/10/2013 13:00

There's a great bit in Stephen Fry's memoirs where he tries straight sex in his late teens and comments that at a physical level it was very pleasurable, but emotionally he felt totally disconnected.

Our bodies are designed a particular way; it's not surprising that they respond of their own accord.

EmpressOfTheSevenOceans · 10/10/2013 13:01

Well, I'm gay and I wouldn't. But I don't think there's an answer to your question, surely it's all down to individual preferences?

Numberjaqs · 10/10/2013 13:01

...or can a straight person enjoy sex with someone of their own gender?

I'm with MrsDimyournameistoolongandtrickytotypeoutcorrectly but I do think that any sexual experience will be more fulfilling if you are do have feelings of love and desire for that person.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 10/10/2013 13:03

I've orgasmed during sex with partners I haven't found amazingly attractive, I imagine it's similar.

Original poster

makemineatripple · 10/10/2013 13:06

fairylea, no, no more than it bothers me that she's been with anyone before me. It's never a nice thought, but I don't think it bothers me more than she's been with men before me.

Moon, that's interesting. That's sort of how she described it.

Numberjaqs, yeah I was going to ask that also in my op to balance the argument, but got interrupted and had to hurry it up

OP posts:

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 10/10/2013 13:13

I think it's as others have said - sex can be 'just sex' and if someone is pushing the right buttons then a lot of us could enjoy that and have an orgasm... it doesn't mean that we would choose that person or someone of that gender to do it if there was another option available at that precise moment or in the case of someone not being ready to 'come out' at that point in our lives.

Not entirely sure I have explained that very well!

But esentially I think that your gf probably found the sexual act satisfying enough physically to orgasm and settled for that until she was prepared to 'come out' and now that she has, she can't imagine going back there.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 10/10/2013 13:17

Also, to me, (boringly straight) being straight/gay/bi isn't just or even largely about who I want to have sex with, but about who I want to be in a relationship with - who I want to live my life with and love...

Original poster

makemineatripple · 10/10/2013 13:18

Chipping, I think you explained that very well. She say's exactly that actually. That she can't imagine going back.

OP posts:

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 10/10/2013 13:22

I hope you are both very happy together :)

Original poster

makemineatripple · 10/10/2013 14:07

thanks chip. We are, very thank you.

So is the general consensus that as strange as it first sounds, sexual pleasure isn't really to do with your sexual preference?.........

OP posts:

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 10/10/2013 14:52

I think sex and emotions are complicated and personal, and what defines one person wouldn't define another. WRT sexual pleasure, I think there is a difference between being turned on and having sex with someone, and someone turning you on and then having sex. Does that make sense? I don't know how to explain that better.

Original poster

makemineatripple · 10/10/2013 15:02

MrsD, it does! My gf said that she would have sex because she was horny beforehand and without being mean to him, it was nothing to do with what he was doing iyswim.

OP posts:

CharityFunDay · 10/10/2013 17:59

I'm bi, although gayer than I am straight (it took me years of confusion before I read somewhere that bisexuality isn't always 50:50).

I personally think that a considerable percentage of self-defined 'gay' people are actually bisexuals with a neurosis about the opposite sex.

This is purely anecdotal, but when asked to rate themselves on a scale of 1=totally gay and 10=totally straight, it's my experience that some of the 'gayest' people I know rate themselves at 2 or higher. Yet these are the men who will over-act revulsion at the thought of sex with a woman's genitals.

Conversely, 'bi-curiosity' among straight people is so common that some gay men make a speciality of trying to 'turn' straight men ... and usually get results. Mind you, most men would fuck a hole in the ground if they felt like it, so perhaps you can't read too much into this.

Or they could be covering up self-loathing, I suppose, but I would have thought that was rarer than it used to be, now we're all out in the open about it.

Original poster

makemineatripple · 10/10/2013 19:06

Charity, your "men would fuck a hold in the ground" comment really made me laugh!

I find sexuality fascinating actually. Maybe I'm strange, but it's great that we can all talk about it now without the same stigma attached to it. That's not to say that there isn't still a lot of bigoted nobs about.

OP posts:

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 10/10/2013 19:30

I personally think that a considerable percentage of self-defined 'gay' people are actually bisexuals with a neurosis about the opposite sex.

Neurosis is a bit harsh for me, but I think you could possibly take that general idea other way around too. I think if the idea of sexual flexibility was seen as the norm, more people would identify as bi (maybe with preferences one way or t'other) with fewer people sticking to one gender only. However I do say that as someone who doesn't quite get how people can dismiss 50% of attractive people because of how their genitals are arranged

EmpressOfThe7WillowsandTaras · 11/10/2013 00:00

Do you, Charity?

I can't speak for the gay population in general, of course, but I wouldn't say I had a neurosis about blokes - I have male friends and I'm happy to hug them.

More that I'm not attracted to men, that's all. And have no particular desire to play with their bits.

sunshine401 · 11/10/2013 00:27

If you fall in love with someone surely it does not matter what gender they are? You might spend years believing you are only attracted to men, but suddenly you find yourself loving a women. Does it really matter? if you love someone you love them for them not their gender.
Or maybe I am totally missing the point on this one.

CharityFunDay · 11/10/2013 03:47

I can't speak for the gay population in general, of course, but I wouldn't say I had a neurosis about blokes - I have male friends and I'm happy to hug them.

That's not really what I was on about. Hugging is gender neutral.

It's when you have a deep-seated aversion to the opposite sex's genitals that the neurosis consideration kicks in.

I mean, if you were a man who wasn't attracted to women, it would just be a neutral thing. You wouldn't even have an opinion on it, it would just never occur to you.

But loads of gay men that I know consider fannies revolting. This interests me, because it seems like a case of 'protesting too much'.

I'm willing to be told that I'm reading too much into it. But I can say that I have suffered from 'heterophobia' in the past myself. I got over it, but I suspect (and I won't put it any more strongly than that) that quite a few homosexuals are actually thwarted bisexuals.

Then again, there's that whole 'penetration/penetratee' thing to consider. I think a lot of hangups are to do with this. For example, gay men who consider themselves 'passive' -- or even beyond that, the fact that much male gay sex doesn't involves penis-anus penetration at all, or the fact that most lesbians (ime) don't go in for penetration either.

Like I say, this is all anecdotal. But it makes me wonder.

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