(d) h slagging me off behind my back but in front of children.

[brighton9]

I am feeling so hurt. A week or so ago there was a misunderstand where me and ds1 got separated from ds2 and dh.
Whilst waiting for us dh apparently told ds2 that i was stupid. This upset me but i let it go.
So today a similar thing happens. I was out with one child and dh moaned to the other one that v i never tidy. Well i blitzed the whol of the downstairs last weeken and it looked perfect. A week later it is trashed again. 3 messy dc and a messy dh ironically got to it.
I am hopping mad and really just don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore.
He has done some gardening and diy today but does bugger all all week. Yet i am on the go with baby 2dc and housework etc all day and much evening too.
Rant over and breathe.

Your kids are a tell-tale bunch aren't they? :) Did you get the context? A jokey 'silly old mummy getting separated ' is different to a malevolent 'your mother's a stupid cow' IYKWIM. Are there other reasons you don't want to be married to him?

Agree stupid one could be taken out of context.
I guess things are tough right now. Our baby daughter wasn't planned. I feel like he blames me for the accident and expects everything at home to stay same. Ie I do 99% of childcare, housework etc.
When I complained that this wasn't sustainable he basically said he couldn't do more due to high pressure job so I have to get on with it.
When dd was born by csection he only took off a couple of day and didn't pick up any slack. Has probably changed 10 nappies in the last 6 months.
He frequently moans that he is the only person with a brain in the house so maybe silly mummy is not right thinking about it.
Today I was out with baby quite early. When I got up I made breakfast for ds and dd and got dd dressed etc.
Upom my return ds aged 4 was still in his dirty and I mean soiled pull from night before. He just tells ds to do it but doesn't help at all.
Yes he did gardening whilst I was out but I just feel shattered and unsupported.

So it's not really that he said things to the children behind your back, it's that he's an arse... and a lazy, moany, selfish, inconsiderate, arrogant arse at that. 'Blames' you for your baby DD? Nice man... Funny how men like this always have a 'high-pressured job' to excuse their shitty attitude. :) You'll have to do something drastic like disappearing with the baby to the seaside for a fortnight. I think you need the rest and he'd benefit from having quality time with the rest of the family.

What is his job?

Mmmmm. he is the only person with a brain in the house

I think this is really horrible passive aggressive stuff. My xp used to make my HUGE bottom into a "family joke" and it really made me feel undermined and worthless. Especially as I'm a size 10/12. He started to get ds to instigate jokes about "mummy's big bottom" and I can't tell you how awful I felt. Not about my bum but about the recruitment of ds to abuse by teamwork.

He is an arse. Nip this in the bud now.

What an arse!

What time did you get back and find your 4 year old in a pooy nappy?

So he's lazy, sexist, negligent of his child, bitches about you to the children, belittles you, says your thick, blames you solely for your pregnancy, and abandons you after your operation to deliver his child when you have two other children to look after as well as the newborn?

If high pressure means high pay then start with getting some paid help like a cleaner .

I don't understand why four year old was in pooey nappy "since the night before " unless he is special needs ?
And if he poos in pull up at night surely one of you would know during the night ? If he does have sn all more reason to get some paid help

Ps your h sounds pretty nasty.

Sorry I should have said a four year old soiling at night could be a medical need not necessarily a special need, but should be checked out.

Start looking at where you plan to be in the not that distant future.

Back to work? Still in the same thankless role? Divorced? Studying for future career?

And what you can do to improve things now, taking into account that you can't change DH. Childminder? Cleaner? P/T job and child care?

It's easier for you to change or instigate changes to improve your life than it is to try to make DH change.

This is insidious. As a child one of the worst memories I have is of my father saying that my Mother was a "stupid bitch" when I was in the car and she wasn't. I was about 4 and it has stuck with me ever since.

I truly believed my father hated my mother and that pretty much screwed up how I thought marriages were.

I have since been told in one of my relationships that I just wasn't quite clever enough, that my opinion didn't properly count because i didn't "understand". I am a graduate...

the thing is that my upbringing and that incident made me question my own intelligence. maybe I really was "stupid" because that is what husbands think of their wives...

Don't allow your children to hear this poisonous stuff. it undermines you and destroys your ability to parent. let alone have a good relationship.

It was 11am. Think the soiling must have happened whilst i was out. He does have problems with soiling but i wouldn't say special needs. Currently working on it with help health visitor.
Thank you for replies.

Sorry i misread post. Doctor is our next call.

talk to hv about the atmosphere at home.
kids can pick up on it . (and it can cause issues with things like toiletting)

there may be more to this than just the odd comment, i fear...but you know what goes on. keep a record/log/journal. so you can see if it's as bad as it looks from here from the examples you have given... .