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Original poster

It's a bit early for this, but I feel the need to talk about One Love and Sexual Compatibility (or the lack thereof)

47 replies

Frangipane · 27/09/2013 14:38

I'm not a newbie/troll before anyone wonders. I have name changed.

Sorry, I'm not really sure how to start this thread as I so feel so conflicted about so many things. What I really want to know is, do you think there is one true love for you out there?

Are you with him/her?

Is it really like you read in romances and s/he understands and fulfills your every desire?

I have been in my relationship for decades. It is totally good in all respects apart from the sex. I would never leave him simply for that reason alone, but I do have a fantasy of one day meeting someone with whom I was completely compatible, in which case, I fear I might end up leaving my dh. Who is a perfectly lovely man who has done nothing wrong before anyone shouts LTB!

I don't know... I just feel such yearning... maybe I read too much idealistic fiction. Blush

OP posts:
BunnyLebowski · 27/09/2013 14:58

No of course there is not "one true love" for everyone.

The whole soulmate myth is utter bullshit. Created and perpetuated by crappy romcoms, idiotic chicklit and brainless women's magazines.

It's a load of guff, essentially. Which leads to people having unrealistic and completely unattainable expectations of relationships.

Original poster
Frangipane · 27/09/2013 15:01

Yes, I totally agree with you. I meant to say in my OP that I don't believe in a one true love.

But what I do wonder about is how good a sexual relationship can be? Can it really be like the fiction I have read?

Because if it can, despite the fact that I love him, I am slowly realising I am with the wrong man. More than 20 years into our relationship. Shit.

OP posts:
craftynclothy · 27/09/2013 15:14

Do I believe in "The one"? Um, no not if that means there is one person and only one person in the universe that is meant for me and only that person will make me happy and when we meet it will be happy ever after...no, I think that's a load of crap!

Do I believe in "true love"? Err, yes. Not in the film/book sense but in the being there for me when times are tough, respectful, making life a happier place sort of way. I have that with Dh but I don't think he's the only person in the world that could be like that. Hope that makes sense.

But what I do wonder about is how good a sexual relationship can be? Can it really be like the fiction I have read?

WRT the above, has it ever been good with him? Because I do think that relationships can go in phases and sometimes some bits dip and then pick up again.

BelaLugosisShed · 27/09/2013 15:17

If it's a case of not being strongly sexually attracted to him, then I don't see how it's fixable, if it's just a case that you think you should be having "better" sex, then if you are both committed to improving your sex life it should be an easy fix.
It depends on your circumstances and why you are unsatisfied tbh.

Original poster
Frangipane · 27/09/2013 15:20

I agree with your post too Crafty. And yes, for the most part, I would say our relationship fits your 'true love' definition. He is not the most demonstrative man (understatement of the year!) but I know he loves me and he is there for me and we are a good team, mostly.

But sexually, well, I think I might be having a mid-life crisis or some sort of awakening. The truth is, we are each other's only sexual partner so I have nothing to compare him with, apart from slush I read, but no, I don't think it has ever been great. He works hard to please me - more than I do him if truth be told - but I just feel an awful aching inside me that there is more to a sexlife than this, and I feel sad to think I may never experience it. It IS a midlife crisis I am having, isn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Frangipane · 27/09/2013 15:23

I don't even know if I am sexually attracted to him. He is no looker, that's for sure. There are finer looking men than him around. But once we are in bed, that doesn't matter so much to me. He still has a man's body iyswim.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/09/2013 15:24

"But what I do wonder about is how good a sexual relationship can be? Can it really be like the fiction I have read?"

Depends what you're reading and it depends how important it is for you to experience good sex. No matter how nice someone is and how much you connect, if it's not happening in the bedroom (and that's a personal thing obviously) then I think it's got limited appeal partly because - as you're discovering - you end up wondering 'is this as good as it gets?'

I remember getting very, very close to someone once. We had lots in common, shared the same sense of humour, values, he was kind, wealthy (!), good-looking, attentive ... on paper the 'ideal bloke'. But when it got physical there was nothing doing. Left me totally cold and it wasn't his fault exactly, it was just bad chemistry. Eventually - and very reluctantly - had to let him go.

KhunZhoop · 27/09/2013 15:24

My soulmate is Hugh Jackman. I'm just waiting for him to figure it out, then I'll break the news to my husband.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/09/2013 15:29

"It IS a midlife crisis I am having, isn't it?"

Not necessarily. Maybe you've always felt this way? Maybe you've spent the last 20 years thinking that, as he's 95% perfect for you, the 5% that is rubbish sex could be safely parked in a box marked 'unimportant'? Maybe it's only as you've got older that you have found the self-confidence to acknowledge 'this isn't very good'.

Original poster
Frangipane · 27/09/2013 15:37

Cogito, re your last post, that is what is worrying me. I would prefer it to be a midlife crisis from which I might recover.

I feel so stupid. I wish I had been sexually more adventurous when I was younger.

OP posts:
KouignAmann · 27/09/2013 15:51

To answer your OP question Frangipane NO I don't think there is only one person who would fit as a life partner. Some are more compatible than others and some are an excellent match. You only have to see how quickly some people find a new partner when they are single to realise that. It is human nature to dress it all up in romantic packaging.

I left my H after a very long marriage and I hadn't even realised how shit the sex was until I tried it with someone else and found out what I had been missing. But now I have found someone who suits me very well, makes me laugh and cares about me. The sex is okay but we are getting on a bit so have to adjust expectations.

If your DH is lovely in other ways and you are just bored in bed perhaps you should address that. He might be too.

Matildathecat · 27/09/2013 16:53

I very much doubt that your husband would object to you spicing up your love life together. You say he makes more effort than you...well how about starting at that point?

It worries me when I read posts like this. It really does sound like a case of the grass being greener elsewhere. You have a loving, kind husband and a dull sex life? We'll try sorting that out first. You wish you'd had more lovers before marriage? Nothing you can do about that.

I reckon I'm about the same age and stage as you. Safe, steady marriage. All good. Last year I suffered a really serious injury that has left me disabled. My god I've seen my husband's commitment to me. Endless bloody hospital appointments etc. honestly I couldn't have done it on my own. I make an effort to make sure sex remains on our agenda.

So, yes, there are several billion people on the planet so of course there must be thousands you could love. They would also each have snags and imperfections because they are humans.

Honestly, look for happiness where you are now.

ageofgrandillusion · 27/09/2013 17:04

I wouldnt get in a tizz about the sex thing OP. Sex is overrated. Its only a kind of bodily function at the end of the day. As long as you love and respect the guy and have a laugh, why rock the boat?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/09/2013 17:26

If you think it's 'only a bodily function' you can't ever have had a good sexual relationship either Hmm

Original poster
Frangipane · 27/09/2013 17:28

Yes, I agree with you all, even Matilda expressing frustration that I might be giving up on a good thing hoping the grass is greener elsewhere. That is my usual response to everyone else too.

I just feel overwhelmed with the feeling that you only live once and my time is ticking. But no, I know we have a good marriage by most accounts and I wouldn't leave over something like this.

I am not sure about spicing up the sexlife. We have explored quite a bit already and I already know that we are not really compatible.

OP posts:
ALittleStranger · 27/09/2013 17:43

If you think it's 'only a bodily function' you can't ever have had a good sexual relationship either Hmm

Or Crohn's disease! Hmm Grin. Let's not pretend that well-functioning bodily functions aren't damn important.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/09/2013 17:45

When you say 'not compatible' OP could you (without being too detailed) say more about it?

Original poster
Frangipane · 27/09/2013 17:51

Well, without too many details Blush I find his tastes rather vanilla. Blush

Also, if there was an S&M scale, we would both be at the same end of it.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/09/2013 17:56

OK.. so we're really talking 'dull'?

fenellafudgetunnel · 27/09/2013 17:58

Yes it can be all that and a side order of chips. But you have to work at it. Pop over to Fetlife and you'll find out Wink

Original poster
Frangipane · 27/09/2013 18:23

Dull - I guess. I mean, it does what it is meant to do so exactly how exciting does it need to be?

I have a suspicion I have spoilt myself by reading about other people's sexlives (fictional) and decided I'm not getting enough from mine.

We have talked about it, before anyone tells me to talk to my dh. We just don't seem to change anything.

OP posts:
fenellafudgetunnel · 27/09/2013 18:29

Okay I'll bite.....

For me it needs to be exciting and not vanilla. And you need to be very explicit about what you need with your partner.

I don't think reading about it spoils you, I think it's awoken some interests you are now wondering how to voice.

You have two choices, you either wonder forever and feel disatisfied, or you indulge your curiosity, explain what it is you want and ask for it.

Given the opportunity most men will try something new at least once to see what it's like and there is nothing more lovely than a woman who desires you and tells you how to make her happy in bed.

fenellafudgetunnel · 27/09/2013 18:29

Perhaps you should PM me OP. Sounds like you need some specific advice. :)

Original poster
Frangipane · 27/09/2013 18:42

Bit shy to Fenella, but I found your previous post interesting. I even had a look at Fetlife but I have no interest in sharing on such a forum - no offence intended but I would be happy just to improve my own sexlife without involving myself in anyone else's!

Do you not think, then, that dh and I are at the same end of the scale, that means we are incompatible?

OP posts:
fenellafudgetunnel · 27/09/2013 18:50

Not sure what you mean by scale. If you mean you are a kinky bugger and he's only up for tea and missionary, I think you may have an issue. I wasn't suggesting you use fetlife to meet people, but if you read up you might find advice on how to suggest things to your spouse. Frankly if you don't give him the opportunity to give you what you need, more fool you, you are risking your relationship because if this is something you need, it's something you need

FWIW once you start talking you may be surprised at his reaction.