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Original poster

Healing after affair and then the golden OW

55 replies

debtherat · 03/08/2013 06:29

6 months on from affair crisis and things getting slowly better in my 20+ years marriage with 2dc. Able to talk more now but we are running at different paces - OH "its over, was once, lets just move on, stop attacking me, getting angry". This anger is v. Infrequent on my part - normally triggered by PMT, OH not helping with stuff, just random moments of sadness. Been thinking a lot about contacting OW to say "I know, you and OH behaviour had devastating impact on me and DC - if you have any humanity/empathy, know this and own it". Mentioned this to my OH and his response "Contact her and I will divorce you". Absolutely floored - not what HE wants as it will upset her!!!!!

OP posts:
lonelywife · 03/08/2013 06:37

I'm sorry to hear this. Is it definitely over between them?

What steps has he taken to make things right between you? Have you had any counselling?

You are perfectly entitled to feel the way you do

comingintomyown · 03/08/2013 06:51

I would be floored too

Whatever happens from here dont contact OW though there isnt any point

TheFallenNinja · 03/08/2013 07:10

Contacting OW accomplishes nothing I'm afraid.

timeforanothernewname · 03/08/2013 07:20

Agree that contacting OW achieves nothing and will prob make you feel worse after, but I'm concerned about why your OH is so desperate for you not to.

:(

Original poster
debtherat · 03/08/2013 07:29

Me too - he maintains that it will upset her but I find it upsetting that he is prioritising her feelings over mine - minimising/less concerned about my healing than her - and the divorce threat - that is some threat from a person who is trying to make amends!

OP posts:
Original poster
debtherat · 03/08/2013 07:32

Pretty sure it is over but what does over mean - think he has her on a massive pedestal. Counselling - few sessions - then he ducked out as he thought counsellor was biased, salacious.

OP posts:
comingintomyown · 03/08/2013 07:33

I remember xh being all protective over ow while we were at the "I am leaving to find out what I want " stage.

That was when I knew it was over and realised I was no no longer his priority but she was.

Its an awful feeling after being with someone so long.

Original poster
debtherat · 03/08/2013 07:34

What happened comingintomyown - you split up presumably?

OP posts:
SanityClause · 03/08/2013 07:37

What amends is he making?

Dismissing your feelings as unimportant; telling you it's in the past, get over it; threatening divorce the moment you suggest doing something he doesn't like.

What is he actually doing to help you get past this?

SanityClause · 03/08/2013 07:40

Sorry, I cross posted. It gets even worse. He won't go to counselling, either.

Are you having counselling? Just you? It could be a good idea.

ChristineDaae · 03/08/2013 07:48

I can't actually believe he threatened to divorce you. After you stick by him and started working through this issues HIS affair caused. Sorry OP but that comment alone would maker rethink if it was worth working for

Dozer · 03/08/2013 07:52

So he had an affair, but only a few months later is getting angry with you for expressing your (justified) anger and hurt, won't attend counselling (a different counsellor could easily be found if he disliked the first one you saw) and threatening you with divorce if you contact OW.

Nasty. He should be doing everything possible to make amends and listen to you. He may well wish to "move on" (brush it all under the carpet), but he's being selfish (at best).

Is he from the "I had the affair because X, Y and Z was wrong with our relationship and we BOTH need to change" (i.e. you'd best keep on your toes or he'll be off again) school of thought?

As regards OW, best let it be, focus your anger on the person you're with.

Agree with sanity that counselling for you alone could be good.

It is OK to change your mind about staying with him at any point.

comingintomyown · 03/08/2013 07:55

He left ( three and a half years ago) and they are still together

It was awful for a good while but in hindsight I am glad she came along because otherwise we might have to and froed about whether we were going to see it through but as it was it was a clean and final break.

If it helps although my life has changed dramatically I am more peaceful and content than I would have thought possible

I have a terrible memory - was it an affair in an otherwise happy marriage ?

Dozer · 03/08/2013 07:56

Anyway, should you wish to contact OW (although inadvisable) it'd be entirely your and her business, not his.

Did you kick him out or threaten to divorce him because of the affair at any point? If not, it may be time to remind him that he's not the only one with options.

Vivacia · 03/08/2013 07:58

I think I too would be hurt that he was protecting her feelings over mine. That said, I don't think you should presume for a second she's got away scot free and with no hurt or repercussions herself.

Roshbegosh · 03/08/2013 08:04

It is a difficult one as I would also be seething that this OW was so selfish she had an affair with a married man without caring about you or his children at all. A bit of fun for her was worth devastating an entire family and I understand why you might want to make her face up to it. The cunt. He is the one who was in the wrong most of all though, lying and breaking his promises to you and pissing on his DC's happiness for the sake of his cock. I think you are probably not thinking straight yet and maybe you will look at what you and he have left and decide to move on at some point. It sounds like he is calling all the shots and you are crumbling but you will find yourself again and re-evaluate. He does not sound like he is doing enough to save your marriage. Will he do it again do you think? Are you able to worship his cock sufficiently to keep him happy?

Frenchvanilla · 03/08/2013 08:09

Why don't you divorce HIM? That comment alone would make me want to!

Anniegetyourgun · 03/08/2013 08:37

Either he's prioritising her feelings over yours or there's stuff he hasn't told you that he's afraid she will - neither of those bode well.

So how about if you were to say "I think you're right, we should divorce", and start talking about practical arrangements? If he agrees, this "trying to make it work" approach was doomed anyway. If not, it may concentrate his mind on what he stands to lose, because at the moment it doesn't sound like he's ever taken that on board to a meaningful extent.

Original poster
debtherat · 03/08/2013 08:43

Hi Dozer yes he is from the blaming school and heaped on whole load if things wrong with me as a person - too focussed on DC, not positive about things i.e try to talk about bad news stories, watch documentaries about social problems. He has said that he wont change but wants to try and make things better... but leaves it to me to arrange things... As he is so busy with his things

OP posts:
Original poster
debtherat · 03/08/2013 08:52

Hi roshgegosh i think he may have forgotten to mention that he was married and, for that reason, i feel some sympathy for her and he thinks she is gold plated because she then ditched him for this reason i.e otherwise a joint gold plated future awaited.. Or maybe not.
Vivacia - no idea if she experienced hurt - nothing in text messages to show that. I don't want any response from her just to let her know for the avoidance of doubt that her actions/choices impacted v. badly on me and DC and that she bears some responsibility too

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/08/2013 09:01

Deb, you seriously thought things were on track ?

he didn't go to counselling, he tells you to move on when you show understandable upset and threatens divorce if you were to contact OW ?

Oh dear, you really are on very different pages. You are trying to save your marriage singlehandedly. It won't be too long until he's at it again (with Golden OW or a different one), I am afraid, that is if he's ever stopped.

My suspicions would be very strong that he and GOW are lying low until you STFU and then will take up where they left off.

SanityClause · 03/08/2013 09:04

So, he really wanted her, but as she wasn't interested in a married man, she gave him the heave-ho, so now he's stuck with you?

Nice!

It seems to me he's in this relationship with you until something better comes along. And in the meantime, he's going to bully you into being the perfect little wifey, as otherwise you will be too scared he will leave.

I suggest you separate for a while. Then you can both decide what it is you really want, from a more informed point of view.

FeralStreep · 03/08/2013 09:08

Hello,

I'm not sure whether you'll welcome my input, as I've been the OW, but I was also the straying spouse as I was married at the time.

I felt I had to comment through because I recognise some of my own pretty shameful and cowardly behaviour in your description of your husband's reactions.

It sounds to me like your husband has checked out of your marriage. He is missing his OW and is doing nothing to make you feel better, wanted or reassured.

I think you need to divorce him. Someone has to bite the bullet and it might as well be you. This is a passive man who would have left had his OW not binned him - that she did is to her credit.

He's there because he has nothing to go to.

I really hope things work out for you, but the best way to make sure this happens is to be proactive. You won't change him.

All the best.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 03/08/2013 09:09

Her actions/choices had very, very little to do with this, if he lied to her, she didn't know he was married, and then ditched him as soon as she found out!

Your wrath should be directed at him, and him alone.

He sounds quite the prize.

Doha · 03/08/2013 09:28

So he really didn't chose to stay with you, he wasn't given the choice as the OW ditched him?
I wonder what his choice would have been -he seems to be pining for her and certainly not being considerate to your feelings at all.

I don't think l could stay with him knowing l was second choice--sorry