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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So what do you do when you've been together with someone for 12 years and no longer find them attractive,

73 replies

NotInTheMood · 25/07/2013 12:20

and there's no passion or lust on the rare occasions you kiss, you've ran out of things to say other then trivia crap. The relationship is more of a good friendship. Is this the end of the marriage can it be saved. This feeling of awkwardness with him and pretending especially in the bed room.

OP posts:

Caster8 · 25/07/2013 12:22

Has this been a gradual thing. What was different about the relationship in the beginning?

Jan45 · 25/07/2013 12:26

Call it a day.

Branleuse · 25/07/2013 12:28

thats when you have a big talk and amicably call it a day.

PiHigh · 25/07/2013 12:33

Has something changed in the relationship? e.g. is it that you've lost the 'couple' feeling because you've both been focused on the kids/careers, etc.

If so, then I think it's possible to fix things by working on getting back to being more of a couple. If it's not that then I think you go you call it a day.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/07/2013 12:35

I think you have an honest conversation. Not as blunt as 'I don't fancy you any more' but how you are worried about the future of the relationship because it seems so awkward between you.

ImperialBlether · 25/07/2013 12:35

How is it even a good friendship if you've run out of things to say?

JohFlow · 25/07/2013 12:46

No passion? little fulfilling conversation? intimacy problems?

Is this just over-familiarity; in which case can you do something to 'shock' them/yourself into looking afresh at each other.

Or is it that the relationship has actually died or there is 'too much water under the bridge'?

Do you still love your partner and see a positive future?

It's a personal decision whether to continue your relationship or not.

It can be soul-destroying (and a waste of life) trying to flog a dead horse. So you may need to test the water with your partner to see how motivated they are to work things out.

If there is nothing coming back - decide to make a healthy choice and cut your losses. There is no relationship if you are doing all the work

12 years is a long time so take your time when thinking through your decision. Once you have come to a conclusion - stick by your guns.

Good Luck

Caster8 · 25/07/2013 12:47

We have so little info on here to go by, and strangers already say "call it a day".
Remarkable.
No wonder there are so many single people about.

Original poster

NotInTheMood · 25/07/2013 13:01

We've had ups and downs an bad patches but this seems a bit different. A lot of things that slightly annoyed me about him really annoy me now but that is him and always will be. We have two children under 8. Both work fultime or I work term time. We haven't even argued lately so nothing to pin it too. I just find myself not really having much feeling apart from not wanting to hurt him. I look at him and I really don't fancy him. His clothes taste has got worse and he doesn't really make the effort. I find myself looking at other men and I don't want to be like that. He is a good man and the father of my children he works hard etc . Do I give it up in the hope il find someone better. He's giving in bed etc but he just doesn't turn me on anymore and I so want to fix it but is it fair to keep pretending??

OP posts:

Caster8 · 25/07/2013 13:05

have you had conversations about this. Even if you have to hurt his feelings? The alterantive wouldnt be nice for him either.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/07/2013 13:10

It's not fair to say nothing because he probably thinks things are going OK. There's no good way to say to someone that you think the relationship is falling apart but, if you say nothing, he will carry on thinking nothing's wrong and have no idea that his world is about to come to crunching halt. And that's just cruel

You don't give it up 'to find someone better' necessarily. If you give up at all, it's for the sake of personal integrity, and to allow him to find someone who appreciates him.

LaRegina · 25/07/2013 13:11

I am a bit at all the people saying you should call it a day. That's really sad, particularly when there are two children involved.

Yes something needs to happen, but nobody has cheated here, nobody has behaved in an abusive way - so surely it's worth a go at turning things around?

Would he consider going to counselling with you? Does he even realise there's a problem? Even just trying to talk about the fact that there's a problem in the first place might help - you sound so disconnected from each other, its not surprising you don't feel like jumping on him.

It sounds clichéd but it's true - you need to put aside time to sit down together with a glass of wine and talk - with the tv off - about anything. Maybe you're just so out of the habit of talking together you've kind of forgotten how to?

And the clothes thing - maybe he just doesn't have a clue about clothes. Can't you buy him some decent stuff?

Original poster

NotInTheMood · 25/07/2013 13:13

No not yet but I know I will have to. I've completely avoided sex the last few months and when I have I feel like he senses I'm not into him. Sex is an effort for me anyway lately working and kids etc but normally when I get into it I'm ok. But even kissing is dead there's no connection.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 25/07/2013 13:55

whats wrong with single people?

JohFlow · 25/07/2013 14:00

How are you feeling in yourself Not?

Sounds like you are very busy parents and that can sap your energy and your libido.

Changes of mood can affect the whole of family life...

MissStrawberry · 25/07/2013 14:03

Saying you think you should give up to find something better is really sad and rude about your husband. Your husband is quite possibly perfect for someone else. Maybe he is already thinking he would like to get rid to find someone better than you. Be a grown up and have a conversation but don't give false hope if really you just want out to find someone better.

moochops · 25/07/2013 14:20

I think I understand how you are feeling. We've been married for 9 years and have two young children. We are frankly exhausted and it is a struggle. But last week we took a day off from work (whilst the kids were at school/preschool) and went for a swim and had lunch together. We wouldn't normally do this as annual leave is something we save for childcare in school hols, but it was so worth doing and such a tonic. Think what I'm trying to say is not to give up, keep looking for an opportunity to get things bsck on track.

Oblomov · 25/07/2013 14:24

Finding someone better? Better in what way?
More caring? harder worker?
Sounds like your dh IS all those things.
More exciting? Better lover?

Have you even tried the softly approach? Tell him the spark seems to have gone and you want to spend some time with him? That highlights the issue, but in a less harsh way, which actually is flattering to him, by telling him you want to spend more time with him.
book a babysitter and go out for a meal. Buy yourself some new underwear and him some new clothes.
Ask your mum to have the kids and stay overnight in a hotel?

I'm just saying, that it sounds like there is nothing wrong with the bloke. Just gone a bit 'stale'. It happens. But I'm sure with a bit of effort you may be able to get it going a bit.
And if THAT comes to nothing, then maybe it is time for THE conversation, where you call it a day.

But giving up? AT the first hurdle? FGS, is that what the standard advice is these days?

Dahlen · 25/07/2013 14:31

You talk. No one here can predict whether this is a situation that can be turned around or whether it really is time to call it a day, but not talking to him will either result in you both limping forward becoming steadily more miserable and understanding each other less and less, or you'll end up splitting up under a cloud. This way you have a chance to make it work so you can separate as amicably as possible.

Personally I'd recommend relationship counselling because if you explore what's wrong with your marriage and decide you can't make it work, counselling is really very good at helping you to keep this amicable during the split.

Caster8 · 25/07/2013 14:33

Branleuse. There is nothing wrong with single people.
But if as Oblomov says, if a person is going to give up easily, than there is not much point to coupledom.

But that is not what the op is doing. She has asked for advice and help.

Caster8 · 25/07/2013 14:35

Are you afraid to open up and talk to him?
When did you last have a holiday together?

cubiclejockey · 25/07/2013 14:39

I would suggest starting with being honest with yourself and examining your own feelings and motivations very carefully. I have often found that when I'm irritated, angry, sad...or even happy, the reasons are really down to me. Not other people. And as humans we often project responsibility for our emotional well-being on to others. (and I'm talking about "normal" relationships outside of those that are DV or EA).

My point is, don't be so quick to target your husband as being the reason for your dissatisfaction with your life and marriage. And you yourself know that looking at other people as an escape is not the answer. Other people have problems and irritating flaws too. Start with yourself and then look to work together with your husband. But it does take effort and you will have to decide how much you will be willing to do.

Perhaps individual CBT counseling might be useful?

ChimeForChange · 25/07/2013 14:45

Do you get the feeling that he feels the same, or do you think it's more just you?

Even if you did split up I'm not sure your first thought should be finding someone better.

It's hard to advise without knowing a great deal, from what you've described maybe working on your relationship could improve things?
Maybe plan a weekend away together, if notwithstanding work term time maybe use these holidays to put more time into your relationship?

If you think the past bad-patches are shadowing over things then I'm not sure what I'd advise...

Not easy but do try to talk to him, tell him things are dull and you feel the relationship is slipping away, see what he says/how he feels

Good luck x

MumnGran · 25/07/2013 14:46

Get a divorce. The marriage isn't working for you, and your partner will not be unconscious of the mounting signs that you just don't really love him as a partner anymore. It eats away at a marriage slowly but surely.

Its very sad, particularly when you still care for someone in a kind way, but it is more kind to end it while you both have time to start new lives .....than discover that you really can't do it anymore when its just the two of you left at home in a few years time.

ChimeForChange · 25/07/2013 14:46

Notwithstanding should read "you only work" !!!

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