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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

'Friend' insulted me in front of work colleagues- do I confront her?

43 replies

Friendinneed13 · 20/07/2013 14:53

Hi All,

I'd appreciate some advice pls! :)

I'm currently working on a project which involves working with a large team of opertaional staffn I don't manage them, but have become close to them as I have to gather requirements design new process etcetc

I get on with the team very well and they invite me to all nights out etc as I fit in well with the group- my colleague on the other hand does not...

She's rather prissy and condeseding at times, dominates conversations, can really labour a point and is a bit 'full on' for most of the group. I think she is pissed off that the team have warmed to me more than her

I have been a good friend to my colleague helping her through personal problems loaning her money etc- and she knows that I had a terrible breakup recently and my confidence is low.

Thrusday the team went for a drink to the local pub everyone was invited, my friend came along, so we were all sitting in a group my friend says....

'Oh I think Tom fancies you and you defintely fancy him youre always flirting with him! You need a vibrator ill take you shopping for one!' Someone else then says maybe Tracy (friend) can help you out- Tracy then says ' no way she would suffocate me with those big things (my boobs)'

Now I have got large breasts, not freakisly so, but I'm busty, the group we are with is mainly male under 30, so no doubt they have noticed, but I always dress to play them down, and never flaunt my bust at work.

So now I feel I've been turned into a sex object by a female colleague, who has said that I'm not getting any sex, obviously flirt with male collegaues, need a vibrator and have huge boobs! I suppose you could say that a few of the guys have a soft spot for me ( I have a pulse!) But now I feel really self concious even talking to any guy, in case people think I'm flirting!

Its really uspet me, I feel humilated and labelled- even though I split up from my partner over a year ago and haven't been with anyone since! Do I talk to her or just get over it??

OP posts:

Vivacia · 20/07/2013 15:09

Wow - her comments shout "insecure" and "envy" to me.

Remain dignified. Take comfort that nobody will have thought any more of this.

Vivacia · 20/07/2013 15:12

As for taking to her, I'd either not say anything but put some distance between us, or tell her, when you said... it made me feel...". I'd probably go for the former, she doesn't sound like a friend worth having.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/07/2013 15:12

What did you do on Friday?.

I would not talk to her further because she is being inherently vile to start with. Appealing to such a person's better nature is as effective as spitting in the sea (because they have none).

What's your manager like; I would be having a word with this person. This is workplace bullying and should not be at all tolerated.

I'd also be making a formal complaint to Human Resources if there is such a department within your workplace. Also talking to ACAS too is a good idea.

Why did you loan money?. You are not a money lender and some will take advantage of your kindness towards them.

WipsGlitter · 20/07/2013 15:12

Honestly? Get over it. And don't mix work and pleasure.

McBalls · 20/07/2013 15:17

She sounds like a dick and I doubt she's really a friend.

The whole thing sounds very cringey though, like a conversation between 6th formers.

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 20/07/2013 15:22

Twinklestein · 20/07/2013 15:23

One thing for sure is that every man in the office, irrespective of age, will have noticed that you have large boobs.

Other than that, just avoid her, she sounds ghastly.

bulletpoint · 20/07/2013 15:24

I would nip this in the bud now! That is outrageous and WILL get worse, your colleague has clearly got form for this sort of thing. I would be filing a complaint with HR asap.

LapsedPacifist · 20/07/2013 17:53

Your colleague has only shown herself up. She has only 'embarassed' you if you allow yourself to feel this way. She has revealed herself to be a crude, vulgar and rather stupid little bully in front of the rest of the team.

Don't even THINK of dignifiying her behaviour by making a formal complaint - it will make you look weak and over-sensitive. Just ignore it completely. Honestly - your other colleagues won't forget what a common little bitch she is in a hurry, and will think the better of you for treating her remarks with the contempt they deserve.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/07/2013 18:02

This cannot however be ignored and importantly the OP has felt humiliated and labelled by the experience. What if this person says similar to the OP again?. Keeping quiet does the OP no favours.

Am certain as well that the rest of the team do not like her but are afraid of speaking out for fear she will turn on them.

ParvatiTheWitch · 20/07/2013 18:11

Have a word with her alone along the lines of, "don't you dare make person, hurtful comments to me like that ever again". I am very angry on your behalf. I had big knockers (still not small) and I was so self conscious about them, so I spent £6603 (don't know what the £3 at the end was for ) and five hours in surgery getting a breast reduction. It was the best money I ever spent, but hearing about your situation brought it back to me how I would die a little inside every time someone thought they could publicly mention my tits. It was awful
You sound lovely OP. Channel your inner "witch" and hiss the "don't you dare" thing to her. She's not worth keeping, the poisonous toad.

bulletpoint · 20/07/2013 20:18

Some types of behaviour i agree should be ignored, you maintain your own dignity and rise above it etc this however is NOT one of such episodes. The OPs colleague is not the type (by the sounds of it) to bow out meekly having made a fool of herself. This is the type of woman who unless one deals with her behaviour head on IT WILL get worse.

Snippy little comments here and there everytime she's got an audience, nipping away gradually at OPs self esteem, whilst OP silently cowers hoping the conversation will change, others too afraid of her join in and laugh, until OP is so stressed by the whole situation she quietly resigns.

Report her! she and anyone else hoping to pick up from where she left off will have a new found respect for you.

Msbluebozooka · 20/07/2013 20:46

i wouldn't report her not on this occasion she is obviously very insecure.Don't lower yourself to her level people will be laughing at her not with her and she will really show herself up if this happens again.
Then you can politely say something along the lines of please so and so this is doing nothing for your self respect.Which to me would be a better Revenge is a dish best severed cold.

arsenaltilidie · 20/07/2013 21:00

She sounds like she was saying it so she could fit in. She's probably nice but can be socially awkward.

Tell her in passing "you are a bit weird aren't you" acting like you've just realised she's the weird one.
That ought to guarantee she behaves around you.

Latara · 20/07/2013 23:19

What a weird conversation generally to have with work colleagues... how did it get from 'Tom fancies you'' to buying a vibrator, and what on earth did your 'friend' think your breast size is relevant for? I just don't understand it.

I wouldn't put up with that conversation among work colleagues as it's totally inappropriate and unprofessional, these people have to take you seriously (even though this happened out of work).

So... you need to tell your 'friend' - ''what you said was really inappropriate in front of our colleagues, don't make that kind of comment or discuss that topic of conversation again.''

Kaluki · 21/07/2013 00:32

What is she 14???
I'd get her alone and have a quiet word but make it clear if it happens again you WILL take it further.
As for your colleagues - if it's mentioned (which I doubt it will) tell them she has been told!!!

JustinBsMum · 21/07/2013 08:15

Gawd, completely ignore and forget it.

She has made herself out to be bitchy and jealous, really don't pay any attention. Don't report.

I say this because although ime men clock these things they really don't want to know about bitchy point scoring and will have probably forgotten it the next day. And most men imo will not be keen on chats with colleagues about vibrators , and the boobs they will have noticed long ago.

Treat her in a smug and smiling way if you want to get your own back, as if you know Tom fancies you. But have a response for the next time 'Oh, you sound jealous! Nastyfriend'.

calmingtea · 21/07/2013 08:21

you could tell your line manager, this is sexual harassment and being in the pub is still applicable as it is with work colleagues. tbh I would consider it, it is not on to leave someone humiliated in front of colleagues and potentially it could affect your working relationships with these people as they may not take you seriously if they have overriding mental images of you as a sex crazed love object. Either way drunk or not that is not the behaviour of a friend, definitely tell her you are angry and no longer want to be anything but colleagues with her at a arms distance.

Roshbegosh · 21/07/2013 08:27

Don't go to HR over this, you will look like two silly girls waving handbags at each other. Just get on with your work and freeze her out where possible.

Nerfmother · 21/07/2013 08:32

Sounds like 3 people made comments though not just the friend. Were u kind of laughing along ?
U all sound silly tho - you seem smug she's not liked, she seems insecure and the team sound childish.
New job?

diddl · 21/07/2013 08:37

Sounds to me as if none of the three like you!

JustinBsMum · 21/07/2013 08:38

The main thing is that you 'get over it' yourself. If you are going to be embarrassed in front of colleagues etc you will be the loser. I am sure they will have forgotten about it, people remember their own humiliations, not other peoples, so please try to carry on as normal, and everyone else will too.
It would be such a shame if this caused problems for you in what has been a successful project, but that was probably her aim, through jealousy. So don't let that happen.
Carry on regardless, make this something you can look back on with pride. It could be raised again if others are tactless but don't rise to any comments and just keep doing the good job you are doing. If you are successful in your career you can be sure this won't be the last jibe by a jealous colleague. Rise above it.

alwaysinamuckingfuddle · 21/07/2013 08:48

What?! This is how your 'friend' and 'professional' work colleagues talk?

I would let it go this time but I would distance myself from her. I also wouldn't be socialising with any of them. Next time she wants to borrow money tell her where to get off. She's not a friend.

Upnotdown · 21/07/2013 10:43

I wouldn't put myself in a position where that could happen to be honest. Being professional and mixing with (junior?) guys under 30 who 'have a soft spot' for you was never going to go well.

Where did anyone say you're not getting any sex? Was it three separate people that said these things? Not just the one woman that you have a problem with.

If you don't like being part of that kind of banter, just don't socialise in a group that you know to be flirty/edgy/sexist(?) in their conversations.

I wouldn't speak to HR - it's outside of work and you chose to be there. That's a personal opinion - someone (in reality) could probably be sacked... sigh

Original poster

Friendinneed13 · 21/07/2013 11:04

Thank you all so much for your advice!

Firstly, it was my colleague/friend Tracy who made these comments about the vibrator my boobs etc, another woman joined in just to say she could show me which to buy,( as they know I'm quite shy etc)- there were some junior male staff there- the women are in senior posts including me- and the guys faces where a picture- they actually looked really embarrassed by it.

It was someones leaving do, so people had had a few drinks, I wouldn't say I socialise with them a lot, maybe once a month for a couple of drinks- its team buliding if anything.

I just came away feeling really upset, I was really quite for the rest of the night, a few people asked me if I was ok as I was so quite, I had to go outside a few times as I was close to tears - stupid I know- and not like me.

I've worked really hard to get where I am in my career in a senior project post were people have to listen to my opnion and respect what I have to say, I have had to battle against the busty blonde thing the whole time. I conciously cover up my clevage etc and don't 'dress up' for work- I wear very functional corporate clothes etc trouser suits most of the time.

A few years ago I was featured in a project newsletter and my boss at the time who I thought was a left wing, pc type of guy, said to me' Is it page three you are on?' I couldn't believe it, but to me thrusday was worst as it was in front of everyone.

Tracy can be quite bullish and insenstive, but I thought we were friends I can believe she said it tbh, why can't women support each other in the workplace? I'm dreading monday now :(

OP posts:

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