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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I deal with this *will contain triggers of abuse*

15 replies

passmetheprozac · 15/07/2013 22:34

My dad had disclosed to me that he was a victim of sexual abuse whilst young.

He was three/ish his assailant was his now long dead brother. My dad is nearly 70 .

My dad has said that he has never disclosed this to anyone including my mum (his wife)

He told me that his brother described his willy as a 'tree branch' then it goes blank.

I feel sick, what the fuck can I do. I would talk to one of my brothers (best friend) but I don't think I can about this.

Just wtf?

OP posts:
Original poster
passmetheprozac · 15/07/2013 22:40

This happened last night, I have been weighing whether to post all day.

OP posts:
DHtotalnob · 15/07/2013 22:50

where did this come from? what's your relationship like? what do you think your dad was hoping to result from him telling you this?

Original poster
passmetheprozac · 15/07/2013 22:58

I have a good strong relationship with my dad, as in I can talk to him about anything.

He doesn't have a relationship with his family, and to me it now makes sense.

OP posts:
DHtotalnob · 15/07/2013 23:01

is your mum still alive? what let to him telling you this?

Bakingnovice · 15/07/2013 23:02

It seems like he needed to just tell someone. I have no advice other than to say it will have taken immense courage for him to open up. Maybe he can try and get some form of limited closure, or some tiny sense of relief by sharing it. My heart goes out to your poor dad.

Original poster
passmetheprozac · 15/07/2013 23:38

Thank you for the replies, I think wine opened him up to me.

Yes mum is still alive, but she really couldn't handle anything like this. Emotionally my mother is fragile, I ended a relationship -- she was more upset than me!

I think it was a case that he needed to tell someone, and I was the person there.

After no sleep last night I have heavy eyes. If I do not respond till morning, please forgive me.

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DHtotalnob · 15/07/2013 23:50

It's difficult. Parents, in theory, shouldn't flip-flap between roles whatever the age of those involved.

However, dads are also a bit rubbish at subtleties. In many ways it's testament to your relationship that he confided in you, but in reality it's also disconcerting.

Do you feel you need to do anything with the information? Maybe your dad just wanted to make sure a material part of who he is was know by someone else.

How did you leave it?

PrincessTeacake · 15/07/2013 23:56

Sometimes the person who hears about their loved one's abuse is much more upset about it than the person who was actually abused, that's been my experience anyway and it's very natural. Your Dad has had a long time to come to terms with this and you never really stop healing, it's an ongoing process. He wanted to trust a loved one with this secret and he felt you were strong enough to be the one.

To quote Linda Lovelace, you can come out of this a complete person. Once I'd told my family it was like a weight was lifted off of me. If you can think about it that way, rather than focusing on the old hurt that's already been done in the past, you are an integral part of your father's healing and that's a powerful thing. You can be happy for him.

thornrose · 16/07/2013 00:13

My auntie disclosed that she'd been sexually abused by a family member as a young child.

She was in her late 60's when she told her 3 sisters and me.

She then said she never wanted to talk about it again Sad

I had to assume this was what she wanted.

WafflyVersatile · 16/07/2013 01:19

That must have been distressing to hear. Who wants to know this sort of thing about anyone let alone their father?

Maybe he just needed to say it. So feel proud that you were seen as a safe pair of hands and that you accepted hearing it. With all the Jimmy Savile stuff he maybe felt finally able to risk saying it without shame?

I guess you could just say/reassure him that it wasn't his fault, that you admire him for speaking about it and that he can talk about it more if he wants to (and pray he doesn't!) Or suggest an organisation he can talk to further if he wishes. Not sure which organisation that would be though.

Monty27 · 16/07/2013 01:26

Is he keeping well physically at the moment?

You have a great relationship that he told you it, but I wonder why.

Hope you're ok, that's a new one even to me.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/07/2013 12:26

I don't think you can do anything constructive except listen and keep it to yourself. Age 70 with mortality galloping towards him at a frightening speed, maybe there's an element of telling someone before it's too late.

AlfalfaMum · 16/07/2013 12:35

Oh your poor dad :(
He obviously needs to come to find some peace with this, imagine holding such a secret for so long :(

You can call Survivors uk on 0845 122 1201, they are dedicated to male survivors of sexual abuse and their partners and carers. Call and see what they advise, he may not be ready or prepared to call himself yet.

AlfalfaMum · 16/07/2013 12:37

Meant to say, they also have a website.

Original poster
passmetheprozac · 16/07/2013 23:02

Thank you for the replies it has given me much, much food for thought.

Cogito I think that's it. He is not a young man, he rattles form the amount of tablets he's on.

Alfalfa thank you for the info, he will never go there though but I will check it out to see if there is anything I can do.

Again thank you, to everyone who has helped on this thread, it does mea a lot.

Ya big bunch of vipers you Thanks

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