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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hes discussing my 'severe PND' with people. I've never had PND.

19 replies

IDeserveBetter · 20/06/2013 12:36

My dp moved out a few weeks ago. About a week after, he came to me and said how much of a mistake hes made, how he wants to get help and get back to how it was before etc.

Because we have a dd and I would like things to work out if we could be happy I agreed to be civil and to keep in touch. I was thinking that if I can see hes made big changes then we can possibly give it another go.

I've recently found out that hes been having conversations with his old work friends (who I've not met) about me having severe post natal depression. I've never had pnd. Hes telling people I kicked him out and that I need to go to the doctors to get help or things stay at square one. To add insult to injury he was talking to me all nicely at the same time as discussing my mental health with this woman.

I have confronted him about this and I got a weak apology, then heard nothing for a day. He rang me today to ask when he can come over and see dd and it was like nothing had happened! When I told him I wasn't doing great because of what happened the other day he just said, 'Oh your still angry about that?'

I knew I wouldn't see a change in him overnight but this is taking the piss right? Someone who supposedly wants me back wouldn't be doing this would they?

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 20/06/2013 12:41

Not if they were sensible, no, but :-

He is probably feeling humiliated cause your relationship has fallen apart and rather than want to admit the real reasons to his friends (because I suspect they will not reflect well on him) he finds it easier to lay the problem at your door.

This is not incompatible with wanting to get you back at all, for a certain type of man, but should make you think twice about that 'another go'.

MadBusLady · 20/06/2013 12:47

Massively taking the piss. At best, he is trying to blame you for the split (which I assume was actually his decision if he is talking about having "made a massive mistake?). At worst, he is doing a "poor me, my partner is nuts" act on his female colleague to set her up for... well, you can fill in the rest yourself. And whichever it is, he's now minimising it. How did you find out?

MadBusLady · 20/06/2013 12:51

Oh, hang on! I know you, IDB, I was on your previous thread. Your "D"P is a massive knobber who didn't want you at his work party and when asked why said you were boring and argumentative, and then minimised the fact that this upset you, isn't he?

If I remember rightly many people theorised that he was having an affair or on the brink of one with a colleague and that was why he didn't want you there.

That's looking even more likely now, I'd say.

He should stay dumped.

Original poster

IDeserveBetter · 20/06/2013 12:54

Yes, both of your answers are things that have entered my head. I think he is ashamed. He was pretty horrible to me towards the end and decided he didnt want family life anymore. Obviously that makes him look like a complete dick. Also, yes I do wonder if hes trying to get in with this woman although hes not been flirty with her.

I found out because I followed a link to facebook on my phone and it was logged into his account, I didn't realise at first until I saw there was a new message I hadn't read and then saw it was logged in as him.

OP posts:

Dahlen · 20/06/2013 12:58

This is actually very common.

As BarbarianMum says, it provides a convenient excuse as to why you'd have chucked him out without him having to admit to any wrongdoing.

Based on your post here though, I'm seeing an affair that is fizzling out and he wants to keep his options open.

MadBusLady · 20/06/2013 13:00

I re-read your thread.

It's worse than I remembered. He was visiting sex encounter sites, and when challenged was merely "sorry it had upset you".

Please do not entertain for one moment the idea of getting back with this twat. You do NOT need to be in a relationship, and particularly not with him.

How is life otherwise? You were worried about the whole being single thing - how are you finding it? Are you and DD able to stay in your existing house?

Original poster

IDeserveBetter · 20/06/2013 13:08

Yeah, maybe I should re-read my own thread. I felt so awful near the end. I've noticed things have been easier without him with regards to housework and looking after dd so it just goes to show he didn't contribute in any way other than bringing money in.

I'm quite lonely, I go days and days without seeing or talking to anyone but trying to keep busy with learning new things. I don't feel the need to rush into another relationship for the first time in my life though.

For now I think me and dd can stay here but I'm waiting to hear back about certain benefits I might be entitled to for help.

OP posts:

MadBusLady · 20/06/2013 13:19

Well that's one fear dispatched because you were worried you wouldn't be able to cope with DD on your own. And it turns out you can cope with her and the house better on your own.

The loneliness: it's tough to claw your way back to having normal human contacts from a period of being a bit isolated, I know, been there. But it's only been a few weeks since you escaped his clutches, and I'm pretty sure he was partly responsible for isolating you so much, making you feel down and unconfident about yourself.

So don't fret that you haven't immediately turned into Miss Social Butterfly, you've been through the mill a bit. Take a small step when you feel able and you will get there. Is there local mother/baby stuff you could do? Any old friends you could get back in touch with? For some reason getting back with old friends is really daunting but whenever I've plucked up courage to do it they've always been delighted. And I'm not that wonderful . I think people are just really appreciative of the fact that you've thought of them and made the effort.

ColinButterfly · 20/06/2013 14:01

Gah what a twat.

I'm wondering if he had any abusive traits or dare I say on here, narc tendencies because myself and virtually every poster on the EA thread that has escaped the relationship has gone on to be painted as hysterical, mental etc. It's such a cliche and part of the smear campaign that tends to happen after.

EccentricElastic · 20/06/2013 14:18

Op, this man is doing this in order that he doesn't have to face the responsibilities of his actions towards you. ( My abusive Ex did this after I finally left him, so instead of telling the truth, he told all friends and family that I'd left him for someone else (totally untrue), twatty arsed ratbag that he was!)

So no , he wouldn't be doing this at all if he loved, respected, considered you as you deserve to be!
You may be lonely now, but things will improve. Hang in there, use the strength given from fellow mumsnetters, friends and family to help pull through, and you will become your own woman ....stronger, happier, wilder!!!!

MadBusLady · 20/06/2013 15:06

stronger, happier, wilder

Ooh I like that

EccentricElastic · 20/06/2013 15:14

madbuslady it's a policy I've followed since that first day of the rest of my life.....and it's fabby!

slug · 20/06/2013 15:42

The daft thing is, by telling people your supposed pnd was the reason for him moving out, he's painting himself as an unsupportive arsehole.

Own goal there twatface.

ColinButterfly · 20/06/2013 16:19

exactly slug

chipmonkey · 20/06/2013 18:13

Oh, you've become the "crazy ex" have you? There is a template somewhere for these guys.......

turbochildren · 20/06/2013 21:12

I think the "Oh are you still angry about that" when it is a massively offensive thing he's done, says it all. What luck he left you voluntarily!
Sorry if that's a bit flippant, but he doens't sound naice at all.

calmingtea · 21/06/2013 06:50

It is not taking the piss, it is revolting behaviour. It shows no respect for you or your relationship. He is not talking to people (i.e. your family) out of concern, but rather gossiping maliciously and making things up to make him look good.

imo - that sort of behaviour means one of two things, either he is projecting his issues on to your - be it blame, guilt, or MH problems (also you said he 'wanted to get help'). Or he is emotionally abusive and trying to be in control of you. Either way it is not a nice way for a partner to behave.

But no, he doesn't sound like he wants you back. I would tread carefully before allowing him back into your life too.

tb · 21/06/2013 12:40

I was going to say 'LTB', but I see that he's not around. In that case, don't let the bastard back in.

nenevomito · 21/06/2013 12:43

Sort out contact between you for DD, then move on as this is not someone you want to carry on with long term.

Making up that you had MH problems to cover up for the fact that he left is bad enough, but dismissing your feelings about it makes it ten times worse. You can do better.

Flip