Don't know where to turn anymore

[Dearjackie]

Have name changed for this. I feel so low today I have contemplated taking tablets and putting an end to it all. My BF has basically done a character assisination on me and I feel like utter shit. I did something to piss him off over the last couple of days moaning about arrangements we made which caused big row for which i later aplogised and said he didnt deserve what i said. all seemed ok until i had another downer and complained about the cost of household bills ( he stays over a few times a week I pay bills but he contributes to food)

It wasn't even directly aimed at him but he said he was sick of putting up with me and we went to bed in silence. It's hard to explain what he's like when I do something to upset him even if I've given a sincere apology. He's been quite nasty all day saying no one would put up with this shit, snapping at me saying I've got to change and sitting and watching me cry. I know I'm not perfect but surely after saying sorry he should be a bit more forgiving.

It's like he has to punish me. He's threatened that I'm pushing him away then said hel never leave. I feel so low I can't describe it. I even found myself saying to him that I don't know who to turn to and I felt I can't be the person he wants. If I say to him " am I really that bad" he says " to be honest yes"

I'm a useless no good piece of rubbish well that's how I'm feeling today.

I also feel really clingy and insecure now and I hate it. Plus I think he knows I'm feeling this way and he's not doing much to reassure me even though he complains he hates how I behave when I'm insecure. It seems as though he actually feeds it sometimes

Fuck, bin him, he sounds awful.

When you were 15 you hung out with guys you fancied because it was fun, there's more to it than that but you need that too.

I'd unload the arse and take charge.

I know I know but why the hell is it so hard. It's like I'm not sure of my own thoughts anymore. Whatever I say to him when he's character assassinating me just gets the reply " that's it its always back to you , fuck how I'm feeling" and I always wonder if he's got a point

The thing is that he doesn't live there. I live alone and if someone was sitting here criticising me like that, I'd ask/tell them to leave. Similarly, if I was in someone else's house and they were really pissing me off, I'd tell them I was leaving - not in a passive aggressive way, just that I'd sleep in my own bed that night. It's interesting he stays - maybe you need to think about that and also consider why you don't tell him to get out, even if it's just for the evening.

He sounds awful, really awful. You don't have to take this shit from him. You can leave him. You don't even have to give him a long and reasoned explanation of why. It is enough to say that you are unhappy with the relationship.

I would suggest you speak to Women's Aid. You need to actually talk this through with someone who understands.

Have you anyone close to you who could offer you some support? Anyone you could stay with for a couple of nights to think things through?

He sounds really awful because you don't see the good side and I did start things the other night. But something is wrong I know it. Why don't I know what's right or wrong anymore and even when I think I do why am I so doubtful of my own feelings

You're at really early days of figuring out all is not well. But don't worry. Doubting your own feelings is a consequence of the treatment you've had. The thing is, I'm sure the highs are high but the lows, low. That seems to be how these relationships work. It's addictive. You end up suffering from some kind of Stockholm syndrome. Really, read some of the links on the EA thread, lurk on there or post. It will clarify and youll have people who empathise with you.

I feel controlled

That's because you are.

Your posts are screaming out to me that this man is a total abusive bully and always will be. Get out just get the fuck out. You will be so much happier without this man sucking any enjoyment of life out of you. Kill yourself over someone who isn't even a decent man? No, you deserve better. Believe it.

If you feel controlled, listen to that feeling and don't let go. Please do some research on this. You have got to save yourself.

I felt so embarrassed when he was having a go at me this morning or in his words " telling me how bad I treat him and make him feel like a punchbag" the windows were open and I was saying " shush" because of my neighbours, his reply was " no fuck it I don't care I'm not being a punchbag anymore"

I'm grateful for all replies but the thing is how do any of you know I'm not behaving badly, maybe he has a reason why he's been like this?

Please stop blaming yourself. It it was you, wouldn't he have broken up with you?

You're the one saying shush, he's the one swearing. What does that tell you?

We don't need to know anything. You are unhappy. You feel controlled. You don't like how he speaks to you (not surprising, really). That is enough to call time on it.

A good relationship should make you feel good, cherished, able to tackle stuff, positive etc. Yours doesn't appear to.

But am I unhappy because of the way I behave which makes him react like this?

No!! How he reacts is on him; not you. Please - you've got all these people telling you already he's controlling you, he's emotionally abusing you - please listen to them. I know it's hard. I know he can be kind at times. But he's not for you. Let him control someone else. You feel this bad for a reason: your whole being is trying to tell you to end this relationship.

I can sort of see he's emotionally abusing and then there's like a fog that clouds it all and I find it hard to believe. It's so hard I sound sooo pathetic. I'm no spring chicken and a person with a professional job yet I let someone treat me like this and it makes me feel more clingy and dependant

A fog is exactly what it is. I'm also professional and have lots of qualifications - means jack shit, it can happen to anyone. There's some proper smart women on the EA thread who all have experienced what you have.

I know but it just makes you feel so low and such a fool. So difficult to tell people in RL the full extent of what goes on too because I think they'd be aghast. Tbh I think I've stopped saying things because their reactions would make me realize I HAD to end it so why aren't my hurt feelings now enough to make me realise I HAVE to end it? Do I doubt what is happening? Do I think he has a point in some things he says? Do I not value myself and value him more?

I'm a mess

Your feelings aren't hurt enough because it's a survival mechanism. Believe me , the hangover you'll feel from this will be ugly as it hits you like a tonne of bricks. Do you not value yourself? Probably not - your self esteem is being trampled over. Do you value him? Likely, he's trained you to put him first and your boundaries over what you accept are all over the shop.

I stopped saying things too. When I sat down and told my sister everything, she was horrified. Again, this is part of the drill. You feel disloyal, you minimise it etc.

You can be ok xxx

COLIN thank you so much for your support and everyone's comments, it helps to know I'm not mad and probably not this awful person he's put me down as. I'm mad at myself for not defending myself today but he was particularly horrible and I felt crushed. He must have seen that but it had no effect.

Going to try to sleep now. Will check in again tomorrow

You're not mad and you're not an awful person. He knows how to hurt you, and he chooses to do just that. I hope you can gain the strength to boot him out, but know this can take time. In the meantime, be kind to yourself, perhaps have a wander around the Women's Aid website and a wee look at this book.

Sleep well.

No worries. Don't be mad at yourself, use that anger to get the hell out. I promise you it will get better if you leave. Get reading the EA stuff and make a plan. Goodnight.

Just found this thread.

Hope OP comes back, how draining this must be for her.

What a vile, cruel person he is

He's abusing you, OP. If you really were "that bad", he'd have left you. Instead he's just getting his kicks pushing you into the mud.

I also had a partner like this. Everything was my fault, if I acted appropriately then he'd have had no need to shout/swear/cry, and I had to take responsibility for making him feel that bad.

Eventually, I wised up, but it took a while. Incredibly, my mental health issues mysteriously cleared up, I got my friends back, I started enjoying life again. But, it took me realising and accepting that actually, how he felt wasn't my responsibility, and nor was it my fault.

You don't deserve this. You are worth so much more, and it sounds like you're starting to know it. If you feel like you can't tell people in real life because they'd be too shocked, I think you know deep down it's not you that's at fault. So what if you're insecure- he should be helping you by valuing you, not putting you down for it.

Please don't feel like a fool- abuse like this happens behind all sorts of doors. It happened to me and I have a PhD, for example. Stay and lurk, and take note how in so many of the EA threads, you're seeing yourself.

Next time he says 'no-one would put up with this' call his bluff, tell him to get out ,