I've just re-registered with MN in order to start this thread. Was a member until I flounced last year, but have been lurking. And now, I just have to write this down, try to make sense of this mess I've got myself into.
I have been married to a wonderful man for 10 years. I am early 30s, he is early 50s. We have 2 children, ages 3 and 8. He is kind, thoughtful, caring, and I am lucky to have him. In a way.
But in my heart, I know that he doesn't love me any more. We never argue, we get along, but, for many years, he has become cold towards me, sexually. I have a healthy sexual appetite, but over and over I've tried to reach for him in bed, just reached out to touch him and he's turned away. We've probably had sex about 5 times in the almost four years since DC2 was born (and it wasn't much before that.) Since our first months together, he hasn't initiated sex. I burn with humiliation every time I'm rejected. It is a horrible, horrible feeling.
Every eight months or so, I have sat with him and said, "I love you very very much, and I want to be with you, but I can't be without affection for the rest of my life. The constant rejection is breaking my heart. If you want to spice things up in any way, I will do it. But I can't go on this way. We will not survive if things remain like this." He says he has no sexual appetite, still loves me etc etc. Swears blind there's no-one else (which I believe, though wives always say that on here...) Last time we had this conversation was in January. He said he was going to visit the GP to ask about loss of sexual appetite to try and "save us."
He hasn't been. This just tells me that he doesn't care enough to try.
I have started to distance myself emotionally from him as a result of this. I got so bloody upset every time I was rejected by this man I adore, that I knew that it would break me if I let it hurt me time after time, and I feel like I had to make myself cold. So we sleep apart, and there is a definite feeling that we have just lost the connection. We hardly spend any time together. We don't enjoy each other any more.
I had a vague plan that, once my (new but flourishing) career made it financially possible, I would move out. I never thought I'd want anyone else, preferring my own company. But recently, I've met someone else though my work. This man is completely the wrong guy for me- We would never work as a couple. We haven't had any sexual contact, but we have kissed, and (this sounds pathetic) we GET each other. And... Well... We love each other. Because of the hopelessness of our situation, we've agreed to keep apart, and only be in touch if work calls for it. This is so fucking hard. I have felt so alone and lonely and unlovable for so many years, and though I know it's what is right, I feel utterly bereft that I have to be faithful and loyal to a man who doesn't want me. OM and I cried fucking buckets saying goodbye to each other- There has never been a connection like this before in either of our lives.
If I had the money, I would go. Not to OM. I would just go. But I can't, and I'm stuck with someone who doesn't care, and who feels duty bound by marriage and children to be with me. I feel guilty for the OM and for the way I've fallen so completely for him, but the sorrow at being in this situation feels like I'm slipping below the water line.