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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My 'friend' said we have nothing to talk about? Whatever it means...

19 replies

Dorange · 20/05/2013 22:31

So, to cut a long story short, I was at the park with my friend and our kids. Ou eldest daughter were walking ahead of us chatting non stop and it was lovely to watch since they know each other from babyhood. I than say to my friend: 'look at them, I wonder what they are talking about?' than friend replies: 'it goes way back when WE had subjects to talk about'...
I just went quietly as I didn't understand very well. Actually I did, I am more of an introvert than she is, and lately I have been feeling a bit distant as I am not feeling very comfortable with her as I used to, (I posted here before under other NN about our friendship) also her husband was there and she was spending more time with him than me which made me want give them their space...I guess she was just calling me boring and awkward but really there were no need to be so passive - aggressive...specially when I was doing an observation of our DD's friendship.
Than after few minutes she hugs me while walking and say it is lovely to be able to spend time with me
?
She knows she wasn't being nice then...

OP posts:

Mantella · 20/05/2013 22:41

It's difficult to tell but you may be reading too much into what she said. Maybe you could call and ask her what she meant and say that you hope everything is ok. She may have meant that both of your lives have become less interesting than when you were younger. I'm a natural introvert too and I tend to over-think things.

Mumsyblouse · 20/05/2013 22:42

She might have just been making a light-hearted joke about how things change when you have kids and you (we) get a bit boring. It's hard to say from this one example.

Original poster

Dorange · 20/05/2013 22:45

Huum, definitely wasn't a joke, but I do over think everything though.
But as i said since I am not feeling myself while with her, she might be sensing it..

OP posts:

Mixxy · 20/05/2013 22:46

"'it goes way back when WE had subjects to talk about'".

Don't want to get too armchair psychologist here, but maybe she was using you as a way of talking to her husband.

Otherwise, she was being a bit of a cow. You're not boring, you were observing the beautiful bonds of your children. I'd rather an introverted friend who spoke when she had something to say that an extrovert banging on and on about nothing in particular.

Original poster

Dorange · 20/05/2013 22:51

Her husband was a bit behind at that moment walking with one of their children...
Yep, she was probably missing her yap yap yap friends
I did notice though, when she is with them, her voice, expressions and behaviour change a bit..maybe she also is feeling uncomfortable being with me since she can be herself...maybe she would rather put on a show than be herself (armchair psychology)

OP posts:

Mixxy · 21/05/2013 00:24

Maybe the show makes her happy. Being 'real' isn't always the most exciting, but it is the most relaxing.

Try not to take it personally. If you start to feel really uncomfortable around her, maybe ask her what she meant by it. She could be lamenting the days before all we have to take about is our children. I know I miss those days with my sister, but we laugh about it, like, "When did our lives become about pooping habits and terrible childrens TV shows"?

WafflyVersatile · 21/05/2013 00:44

It doesn't have to be a criticism of you, just an observation. sounds a little wistful. She's allowed feelings about your relationship too. She also hugged you.

I haven't seen your other threads.

Snazzywaitingforsummer · 21/05/2013 01:40

Either
a) it was a throwaway comment and you are overreacting - in which case, just ignore it, or
b) she was passive-aggressively trying to make a point - in which case, just ignore it, as she will want you to react, ask what's wrong etc.

So either way, you've done right. Just blank any future comment like this. If it keeps happening, you should probably reconsider the friendship, but try not rising to it first and see if she gives up.

Original poster

Dorange · 21/05/2013 07:58

It is likely we will have even less to talk about now, given my personality, chances are I will shut down even more in her presence, be 'afraid' to say something that will generate yet another one of those comments. I should have post it in my old thread really. There is a back story of her comments that has really messed up with my head in the past.

OP posts:

DIYapprentice · 21/05/2013 08:03

It quite probably is a comment on the state of your friendship, and how you two are with each other. TBH I would have thought the way she said it would be a lot easier for you to accept than a very pointed - 'you never chat anymore' or something like that.

If this causes you to shut down even more than I'm afraid you really do have issues. I don't know your other threads so I can't comment on that I'm afraid.

Original poster

Dorange · 21/05/2013 08:08

Alright. I will copy and paste some of the other thread here later. The point of the other thread was for me to find out if I had issues or if she wasn't being nice. For me it is really hard to tell.

OP posts:

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 21/05/2013 08:12

She could well be saying her life is dull now and she has nothing interesting to talk about, IMO

Original poster

Dorange · 21/05/2013 08:12

Oh and just for the record, this happened on Sunday. The Thursday before, she txted me in the morning asking to meet me and I suggested she come along to somewhere I had already planned as it was last minute and I couldn't change. 15 minutes later she txts again saying she will go out with another friend who is doing something more interesting (not her words but that is what it is). So she really just wanted someone to fill her time, not to meet me per se.

OP posts:

MadBusLady · 21/05/2013 08:21

I immediately thought what Fanjo said. It sounds like she might be finding motherhood a bit of a struggle at the moment, and kind of assuming you felt the same way, in the way that people on a downer do, and trying to start a conversation about it? Little girls are very absorbed when they're chattering to each other, aren't they, I can see how that would make an adult sad who felt overstretched and like they didn't have time/energy for those kinds of friendships any more.

On the Thursday incident, you're putting words into her mouth and then making them mean something. Maybe she just didn't want to do what you were doing. I think you are reading way too much personal intent into that.

Original poster

Dorange · 21/05/2013 10:47

So why did she hug me afterwards and said how lovely it was to spend time with me? Maybe she sensed I took her word wrong? M truly awful at communication, I know it, but I believe I'm very sensitive to read unspoken messages and atmospheres but maybe this is just part of my weird world.

OP posts:

Mumsyblouse · 21/05/2013 10:56

Dorange you take things very personally and seem to struggle with the ebb and flow of social arrangements- why would your friend ask to see you Thurs and then, when you texted back saying you had plans which you couldn't change, but she was welcome to come along, take it personally she decided to go to do something else- perhaps she just didn't want to do what you were doing with someone else?

She then rearranged for Sun, a family day and spent time with you and hugged you- you are now fretting over one throw away remark she made.

You do not have to have this friend if she makes you feel uncomfortable/stressed/feel she doesn't like you. But on the face of it, the evidence is more that you are looking for signs she has gone off you, and being depressed about it. I think this is more about your own confidence and mood than perhaps a list of her crimes (of course there may be a whole back-story where she is not a good friend to you- in which case, why not just drop the friendship?)

MadBusLady · 21/05/2013 11:04

Maybe she sensed I took her word wrong?

Yes, I suspect she did. Unless there is a backstory like Mumsy says, I don't think you have anything to worry about. I'm very sensitive to atmosphere and unspoken messages too, but I don't think that's mutually exclusive with being unduly negative about them (which I am at times too). You can be very sensitive to stuff and still be wrong.

Original poster

Dorange · 21/05/2013 11:11

yep I'm listening. Thanks. By the way, I arranged to meet on Sunday and she confirmed she was coming on Thursday and dropped for something else. I truly didn't mind but if I want to see a friend, the place where we meet matters little. The thing I was going to do was totally suitable that is why I invited....but her other friend inviting was more exciting....but I appreciate she was looking for something to do and who she did with wasn't as important as 'where'.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 21/05/2013 11:17

It's really difficult to say what the problem is. But maybe she feels you are not as open with her as you once were. At that's why she referred to your DD's chatting away. I don't think you should make to much of this.

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