I am hoping by posting here, i will find the strength to stay away from my terrible ex. I saw another post from a girl in which seeing people's reaction helped her gradually break away from her controlling ex.
I already know that i need to stay the hell away from him, i just cannot seem to find the power to stick to it. We have split several times and i always go back, no matter how bad things get. I will try to keep this brief and will answer any questions on things i have missed out.
Basically our relationship had always been rocky, there had been many incidents. One time we split after a year because he was thinking about going back to his ex. There were dodgy texts to girls, keeping me waiting all night to see him, ignoring me and playing computer games when i went to see him. Plus the constant and huge pressure to have sex everytime he wanted it, even if it was causing me pain. Although i did enjoy it half the time.
One of the worst things he did was last halloween, he came to see me while we were split. He was drunk. We were having sex and he suddenly started trying to do it the other way. I hate that and have never been able to, but he did it anyway. I was crying and saying "i thought you loved me?" repeatedly. He stopped after about 30 seconds and laughed when i told him to leave and that i was calling the police. He said they wouldn't believe me, that all our friends knew i liked it rough and they would bak him up. Believe it or not, i managed to block this out and got back with him! What an idiot.
It wasn't til february this year, when i found out he had slept with another girl that same night after what he did to me that i started getting really angry about it. Again we were split at the time, but trying to be friends. I told him to stay away from me and there then followed a bitter feud. He was raging that i believed the girl over him, and he sent some horrendously evil texts which made me ill for weeks. It was pure hell.
But somehow, i found myself back in his bed again in march, and have basically spent most weekends since then with him. A couple of weekends ago i agreed to give it another go, even though i was terribly wary. I checked his phone and found he had been asking his ex wife to have him back too, so called everything off again. He was "devastated" and said he hadn't meant it, he was miserable without me and his head was a mess, that was why he had sent the texts. Like a total idiot, i again agreed to take him back.
Which brings us to the present situation. That was 2 weeks ago, and we have spent some nice times together, going for meals and he has brought me flowers and teddies. I was still feeling pretty unsure, but had agreed to give him a month with me to see how it went. Well, the other day i noticed money had gone from my account to a sex website. £100 in total since the start of March. I was freaking out thinking i had been hacked, while trying to bury the suspicion it had been him. But when i spoke to him, he confessed. He said he had done it while we were apart because he was so angry at me and thought it was only a one off payment. He had done it to get a reaction as i was not talking to him. He used my money (my son's money) to post pictures of himself and his body on a sex dating website. I just found this out two days ago. I was horrified and told him we are over for good this time. I really want that to be the case, i just struggle so badly with staying strong. It's like he can put a spell on me. He has been texting me the past 2 days saying he loves me, misses me, that was in the past and we can move on, he is not like that anymore. I have said no and i mean it. Ijust hate that i can't hate him, that i actually feel sorry for him and believe he is actually gutted over this. Why am such a god damn mug 