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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

ex has said he doesn't want to see one of his kids

41 replies

womblingfree1970 · 13/05/2013 20:46

I have 2 children with my ex aged 9 and 13 .He has been having regular contact with them.one overnight stay every other saturday plus a few hours one evening a week.

They can both be a handful.But especially the teen.He has now said because of the teens behaviour he doesn't want to see her anymore.He has told both her and me this.Now because of this the 9 year old says she doesn't want to see him if her sister isn't.I told him this and he has said so be it.

I can't believe it.How can a father do this.He also blames me for the 13 year olds behaviour.Says that I have neglected her.That im too busy with my friends.I only see them when kids are at school or on the evening the kids are with him.That i should have sorted daughters behaviour out.That what is he suppose to do when i have them 90% and he only has them for 10%.I said he could see them more.He said no

Now one of the reasons i believe he is doing this is to get at me.I feel he has tried different ways of getting back with me and i don't want this.I divorce has recently been finalised and i think he now realises its over.I mean it.I feel he's doing this to stop me having any life.cos he knows i have no family etc to look after the children.

Anyway one thing is if he suddenly demands to see the youngest where do i stand legally cos surely it isn't fair to see one and not the other.surely thats not in the best interest of the children.

Anyway one of his comments is I got what i wanted to be a single parent so i can now bring them up on my own while he gets on with his life.

OP posts:

tribpot · 13/05/2013 20:49

I am absolutely staggered that a father would be so wantonly cruel to his 13 year old daughter. Your 9 year old should not have been put in a position to choose whether she saw him without her sister - I'm assuming he said this in front of both girls, rather than just the older one?

I would take some legal advice on a potential request to see one child without the other, but my guess is that it would not be in the best interests of either and he would not find a court willing to enforce it.

They are far better off not seeing him.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 13/05/2013 20:56

What a bastard. At 13 your DD is going through so many changes. Not only her body and emotions, but her friendships, her sense of self and levels of independence are all changing. At once. I assume the divorce has been difficult for them both, but her especially.

You know all this ofcourse. I dont doubt it for a minute. But I cannot believe that he could be so selfish and obtuse to punish them further. To get at you.

They really are better off not seeing him. How awful for them though. :(

Branleuse · 13/05/2013 21:00

has he always shown narcissistic behaviour?

my dad did this to both me and my brother

mumandlawyer · 13/05/2013 21:01

Tribpot is right. Siblings should have contact together. It causes problems if one sees dad without the other and it will certainly not help with your 13 year old's behaviour. This problem occurs quite often in my experience. I would be firm and tell him no contact unless both can benefit. The contact is for the children not for him. If he is struggling with behaviour, then perhaps take the contact back to basics. A few hours at first and then build it up. I don't know why but many separated fathers seem to believe that teenagers are not their problem. Put your foot down. If he doesn't like it, take legal advice. Private message me and I will point you in the right direction.

Original poster

womblingfree1970 · 13/05/2013 21:02

tribpot

To make it clear.He told the eldest he didn't want to see her twice.Once while the younger sister wasn't present.He then rang me in front of the 13 year old, repeated it to me so she could hear.The second time was when they were both in his car but the youngest wasn't listening to the conversation so never heard it.

The youngest didn't become aware of it until they got back to me because the eldest then told me about it all in front of my youngest daughter.Of course as soon and the younger one heard she said that it wasn't right and that she wasn't going to dads without her sister.

OP posts:

kittybiscuits · 13/05/2013 21:06

Oh dear wombling what a complete knob he is. Please reassure your 13 year old that nothing she could possibly have done would explain his response - this is about him, 100%. I think I would feel inclined to arm yourself with some legal info/advice, then sit back and do nothing. He sounds like he contributes nothing. At least it's completely clear it's down to you to look after the children. My daughter was a nightmare from 12-14 - I honestly despaired and felt like a shit parent most of the time. She's 15 now and things have calmed down a lot. He sounds like someone who likes to get a reaction...I think I would want to leave him to it.

ivykaty44 · 13/05/2013 21:07

Some people don't understand that children will be who they want to be and it is not all down to the parent.

I think your childrens dad is finding them a real handful more than in fact he has let on and he can't control them at all what so ever, he is finding it really very hard work - so rather than take on some sort of relationship with them and work at it - he is just blaming you.

I also think that possibly your older daughter is much more like you in looks and personality? and her father can't cope with this either.

He is a very weak person and pretty much a coward, I guess this is why you are not together.

My only advise is don't fight it - they really are better of without him and let them both know it really is his problem and some people are really stupid but they must never ever think it is them at fault.

changeforthebetter · 13/05/2013 21:09

What a twunt! 13 year olds are no picnic. I spend large parts of the week teaching them. Their job is to be hormonal, angsty, self-absorbed, bolshy little buggers only a megalomaniac would imagine you could "sort them out" - establish reasonable boundaries, yes.

Seriously, this is highly abusive to both DCs and to you - he blames you Not sure where you go with this (X blames me for DD's behavioural issues....... Not to do with his open preference for her little sister - oh no! Wanker!)

AnyFucker · 13/05/2013 21:10

What an utter cunt

Your girls have him sussed

Just cut the fucker off, stupid twat

BenjaminButton172 · 13/05/2013 21:10

Would a court let him see one & not the other? How awful for your children.

Hassled · 13/05/2013 21:13

I'm speechless. All I can think to say is that your girls are probably better off without him, if that's how he can behave.

13 year old girls are notoriously hard work - they get better. It passes (although it could take a while). How you can just walk away from a difficult time in your child's life is beyond me.

Original poster

womblingfree1970 · 13/05/2013 21:22

ivykaty44

I don't believe its about him being weak.He is not a weak man.Its more about him losing control.he has a controlling personaily.Well towards me he did.Thats why i divorced him.He has tried time and time again to get back with me.

What happened was my eldest was behaving in her usual typical teenage way.doing grunt etc.not really wanting to talk.She also didn't want to go swimming.cos she had a cold and told him this.He tried to make her.She refused.she then said why can't we do things like cycling like we used to.He said no.made excuses that he can't do these things not without me.She said but we used to.He says yes when your mum and me were together.She said no it wasn't. She then said I know more about why your relationship ended than you think.He said what.She said not saying cos you will hit me.She can come out with things like this.She does it to push our buttons cos she is a teen.She also does a similar thing to me.Not just about the relationship but about other things.She also makes things up.of course i know this and she gets disciplined for it.But she is doing it cos she is hormonal.

Anyway so i asked her about this.She said she meant that she knew we were always arguing and that she thought if she told him this he would hit her cos he had already said he would hit her earlier in the day.

I think he's worried that she knows more.Because he did some bad things to me.But I have never told her this.But as she's getting older she's starting to put 2 and 2 together.

OP posts:

tribpot · 13/05/2013 21:36

Do you think he did threaten to hit her?

Original poster

womblingfree1970 · 13/05/2013 21:43

tribpot

im not sure.as she does sometimes say things that aren't true.She does about me,so i know for sure she can lie.

But from what she's saying she was going on as kids do and he said if you carry on you will get a smack.obviously its not illegal to smack your children in this country as long as it doesn't leave a mark.so if thats the case there isn't an issue.obviously everyone has different opinion on this.I don't want to get into that debate now

The issue is more this.telling her he won't see her.And favouring her sister over her.its wrong and cruel in my eyes.

OP posts:

parabelle · 13/05/2013 21:56

He's being a knob (and I don't say that lightly). You need to support your daughter and give her as much reassurance as possible that it's not her, it's him.
My father did the same to me at 12 and it really messed with my head.
Good luck, they're lucky they've got you.

ivykaty44 · 13/05/2013 21:59

control freaks are weak wombling, think about a pack of cards and how you can build a tower if you are very careful and control your movements whilst buidling the tower - if you lose control the whole tower is weak and will come tumbling down and land in a heap on the table

OldRichandGrateful · 13/05/2013 22:03

Playing the divide and conquer card is he? Trying to stir up the relationship between sisters and get them hating each other?

He is being a twat. 13 year old girls are a handful for ANY parent. Will he dump your other DD when she is 13 and "difficult"?

Your DDs are better off without him.

Original poster

womblingfree1970 · 13/05/2013 22:08

oldrichandgrateful

Actually you saying about stirring their relationship up.being 2 girls and at their ages they obviously bicker anyway and of course now you say that of course this won't help.Although at the moment that hasn't been the result.They are both disliking him for what he is doing and also the eldest says she believes he's doing it to get at me.

She feels guillty for what has happened as she is aware i have no help from anyone else and am alone.But i have assured her she is not to blame for this.Although i have pointed out that she shouldn't be misbehaving.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/05/2013 22:16

I think it is lovely that the younger girl has said she isn't going if her sister isn't

Listen to her, not him (and trust your instincts)

Pilgit · 13/05/2013 22:37

What an absolute fuckwit. I really have nothing useful to add that you won't already know. Sometimes it is the job as us as parents to just take the crap our children throw at us (with appropriate discipline where necessary) and meet it with unconditional love and acceptance. He is the adult. He is the parent. Hopefully your daughter will see this act for what it is and not let his rejection cause lasting damage to her psyche.

Original poster

womblingfree1970 · 14/05/2013 13:16

i have contacted a few solicitors today and it seems there is not alot i can do.

Firstly i am on income support and a carer to my eldest cos she has a disability.And can't get legal aid for help with this.apparently the system changed in april and secondly i have been told its ok for him to say he doesn't want to see one of the children.Theres nothing i can do about it and i might be on dodgy ground not sending the other one.

I am going to look into this further

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/05/2013 13:42

I think there's the legal aspect to this and then there's the pragmatic one. Keep both DDs home, let him sue if he feels that strongly about it (which I am willing to be bet he isn't because if you don't qualify for legal aid I don't suppose he does either) and take it from there. Your children are plenty old enough to speak up for themselves, contact has to always be 'what's best for the children' and I'm pretty sure his unequal treatment would be severely frowned upon if it ever actually got to a court.

Lweji · 14/05/2013 13:49

I'd cut contact, rather than try to force it.

He is being nasty to the children.

And it may well happen that he'll keep contact just to spite you.

Original poster

womblingfree1970 · 14/05/2013 16:37

lweji

Im going to cut contact anyway.i just hoped Id having the backing legally if i did this.

Its terrible there are soo many fathers out there who want to see their children but their ex stops it to spite them.whereas i have tried to keep contact with him.cos i think its important and he's done this

OP posts:

Lweji · 14/05/2013 16:43

You need to get as much evidence as possible in case he goes to court, to show your reasoning.

I'd restrict communication with him to e-mail and text messages.
You can send him one telling him this and referring to him not wanting to see DD1. Write it in a way that elicits a response from him about this, confirming what he said on the phone.

You can also ask your gp for advice regarding the children, possibly referring to counselling to deal with this twat's actions if you think it could be useful.

Mention it to school, saying you are worried it might affect their behaviour/results.

BTW, those "poor fathers" who are denied access, possibly are not that dissimilar from this...

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