We have no contact with DH's parents and our Dc don't seem to have any curiosity about them

[Tournament]

Our relationship with them was always rocky and finally ended when DCs were 6mo & 2yo. I was sad that DCs were losing GPs, but DH felt only relief and it has to be said that life is so much easier and happier without them.

The only contact since them has been birthdays/Christmas when they send a generous amount of cash for each DC. To begin with I banked it for them and sent a thank you myself, but as DCs got older, they opened their own mail, were aware of the gifts and now always write their own thank you.

Therefore, they are aware DH has living parents. But they have never asked why we don't see them. They are 10 & 12. Do you find this odd?

No. Not odd. They have grown up- used to this situation.

My Df lives abroad, and has done since I was 5. Therefore we aren't close. We have probably seen each other 4 times in the past 25 years or so.

I know that it's a different scenario with the distance - but children will take their cues from the adults. If you haven't made a big deal out of not seeing DG parents, then the DC won't either.

not odd. The kids don't hear you talking about them so they have accepted it as part of their lives. They will ask. When they are ready.

Not sure really. I suppose it's because they've grown up not knowing any different.

Just asking but why would you keep the money gifts if they don't see the kids?

I think that's more strange than the kids not asking.

To them, its just how life is.

Growing up, I cheerfully accepted that we wouldn't see my grandmother for extended periods even though they lived less than a mile from us and never gave it a second thought. Course I found out later that it was when she had had a downturn and been sectioned again but it just never crossed my mind as a child

That's a good question Housewife. To begin with, it was so as not to cause more trouble. I thought it would blow over (my experience of families is with normal people!) and returning the money would have caused huge offence. Now, it's just what we do,having accepted for so long, it's hard to change now. Also, it is the Dc's money. they open their mail, how would you explain that it has to be returned?

In answer to your last question for me just personally speaking, no.

These people did not bring anything at all positive into your lives and would have started on your children to get back at you given the opportunity to do so. You have done the right thing by your children here; these young people need positive role models, not toxic and potentially emotionally abusive grandparents.

Well done for supporting your DH's decision. It must have been hard for you because you are at heart reasonable and therefore tried or wanted to try to reach some sort of peace accord with the ILs. You also likely come yourself from a family where this type of family dysfunction is thankfully unknown. However, as you have no doubt all too clearly seen by now such dysfunctional people do not and never do play by the "normal" rules governing familial relations. Its their way or no way, they do not apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions and they are more than happy to blame others for their inherent ills.

You may want to read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward if you have not already done so.

I don't find this odd because I had a grandmother for the first 42 years of my life that I knew about, met her about twice (I think), had nothing to do with her and wasn't all that bothered. She didn't come to my wedding. I didn't attend her funeral. We had zero relationship and 'what you've never had, you never miss'. Children are refreshingly unsentimental IME and tend to accept life as you present it to them.

I don't find this odd either. Growing up, I knew my maternal grandparents were dead, but that was all I knew. My mum didn't talk about them at all, so it never occurred to me to ask anything about them - I never knew them, so didn't miss them, and it never crossed my mind to even wonder about them. (It wasn't until I was in my early twenties that she told me they'd both committed suicide when she was at a similar age, which explains why she didn't want to talk about it...)