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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH is making DD want to leave home......

18 replies

skyblue11 · 01/05/2013 13:30

Have posted on here before about my DH. He and DD are constantly arguing. He says he needs to 'fight his corner' as I side with her. She has now said that as soon as she can she is leaving home. Her friends are thinking of renting a house together. She has savings, this is what we have saved for her over the years from gifts and we have saved towards her uni living costs (should she go) it's about 7K. So in theory she could use her 'savings' just to get away. I really don't want her to squander our hard earned savings on living costs when she could live at home.

I'm really resentful towards 'D'H it's like treading on eggshells with him. If we split then we will need to sell up, I am not wanting to do this but I suppose it's the only way. I have been through this before and know how hard it will be especially as I don't earn much.

When I told him about how he made her feel he talked to her about it...don't think it helped much though...I find it all really sad.

OP posts:

AnAirOfHope · 01/05/2013 13:37

How old is dd?

Could she get a job to pay rent?

Does she want to go to uni?

Have you talked about the money and how best to spend it?

She will move out at some point and if you leave dh you will be alone or could affect dd choices in live.

Could you help her with rent and let her know you will always be her home if she wants to come back?

Coulf she take a gap year and travle with the money? When she gets back maybe both dd snd dh could have changed?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/05/2013 13:44

When your DD does leave then it will just be the two of you; what then for you?. You have written about your abusive H before and unsurprisingly things have not changed and you have remained with him. Now your DD wants to leave home. I would not expect either that she will come home to visit very often.

I am not surprised in the least that she has expressed a desire to leave home; she's just about had enough of her dad and also likely wonders of you why you have stayed with him to date. Why would she want to live at home given your current circumstances; what do you do or say when he starts arguing with her?.

You have a choice re this man still; leaving is bloody hard but surely it cannot be more awful than the half existence you are living out now with this man. You still have choices and options; you can exercise those. Womens Aid can help you leave if you want to but you have to be brave and take the first, often the most hardest of steps, to break out of the prison he has built for you. Your financial state may be parlous but that is no reason for staying with such an individual.

Original poster

skyblue11 · 01/05/2013 14:48

Air, she's 17, undecided about uni (depends on her grades, she's struggling at the moment)

Right now my future looks quite bleak, I feel despondent

OP posts:

Xales · 01/05/2013 15:05

Personally I would say that spending £7k on living accommodation which meant I didn't have to share with someone I disliked and argued with the best thing for me and my happiness and not squandered at all.

You have chosen to live with this man. Your DD didn't have a choice. Now she is old enough she does and is voting with her feet.

Living with someone you don't like just to save money is shit especially when it is 'their' house.

AnyFucker · 01/05/2013 15:08

sky I am sorry you feel bad and I am probably going to make you feel worse now

but, my mum chose her marriage over her daughter (me) when I was a child/teenager

I left home with no real relationship with my father which is still the same to this day (30 years later).

at first my relationship with my mum was ok, but as she has since stayed with him and I have got older and had children of my own it dawned on me more and more what a dis service she did me

so now we are rather strained, and my respect for her has gradually dwindled away. I maintain cursory, perfunctory contact with her and she rarely sees my dc

this is what is on the cards for you if things go on as they are in your house

your daughter leaves, and what are you left with ?

him

if you think the prospect of that is worth it, that is your choice

sorry

oldwomaninashoe · 01/05/2013 15:10

Are you not worried that if and when she leaves that he will start arguing with you instead!!

cestlavielife · 01/05/2013 15:43

you say she could live at home but clearly she has decided she cannot, because of your h. and 7 k now might save 7k in therapy later...

and maybe your h will be happier without her too?

so why are you forcing your choice to stay with him on her?
she is practically an adult now - she is making her choice.

you can make yours.

AnyFucker · 01/05/2013 15:46

oldwoman I think the horse has bolted on that one

however, that is a strange comment you have made

what sort of mother would use her daughter as a shield against a verbally abusive man ?

Crinkle77 · 01/05/2013 16:42

Is your husband her father or step father? What sort of things to they argue about?

Portofino · 01/05/2013 16:48

Tbh, OP, in your position, I would use some of those savings on a deposit for a flat for you and your dd, where you can live in peace and help support her through her A'levels. The atmosphere at home will not be helping her studies. I know it will hard sorting finances and reinventing yourself so to speak, but think how much lighter you could feel without the constant arguments.

Viviennemary · 01/05/2013 16:58

Sadly it is not that unusual for teenagers to be at loggerheads with one or even both of their parents. It is infuriating for the other parent when one parent seems always to side with the child. That is just the other side of the coin. If you really wanted to split up with your husband that would be different but it doesn't sound as if you do.

Why doesn't your DD go away to university and only come home in the holidays and you all might be the best of friends in a couple of years.

filthypig · 01/05/2013 17:04

I don't know your history, so sorry if you have already explained a million times before - on phone and can't work out searching old threads.

But, you say your DH says he needs to 'fight his corner'.

Can I ask, does he fight a corner in other relationships (family, work).

What is the corner he thinks he is fighting? What is this friction 'about'?

What is HIS ideal outcome?

filthypig · 01/05/2013 17:08

Also, perhaps I am being a bit harsh here, but reading your posts...

^I really don't want her to squander our hard earned savings

I am not wanting to do this

I have been through this before and know how hard it will be

my future^

There is a lot of YOU. What about HER?

LIZS · 01/05/2013 17:13

Sorry I remember your previous thread and wonder if this is related to recent events or an on-going problem. When do you and dd get away ?

nenevomito · 01/05/2013 17:19

I saw this happen to a good friend of mine. She stayed with her emotionally and verbally abusive husband. Her DD left at 18 and doesn't bother with either of them. Even though she finally left him a year after her DD left, her DD had lost all respect for her and their relationship is a couple of tense phone calls a year.

Why not take this as the final warning. If your DD can't bear to live with your DH and your DH is not nice to live with, why not take this chance to salvage your relationship with your DD - as that's the relationship that IS worth saving - and move out with her.

TheOrchardKeeper · 01/05/2013 17:35

If you don't leave this man asap it will be too little too late to your DD.

And time will not necessarily heal, as your DD will always feel that she was never your highest priority.

Harsh but most likely true in this case.

Portofino · 01/05/2013 19:13

Maybe you need to outline the issues a bit more. What are you siding with her over? Some teenagers can be quite horrid and take the piss vs normal growing up stuff like clothes, boys and wanting to go out etc

Gennz · 02/05/2013 01:37

I don?t really understand why this is an issue. I left home as soon as I could too. Yes I have a massive student loan that I?m still paying off years on, but it was worth it for the freedom of being away from my parents and their loving but chaotic, rather dysfunctional house.There?s nothing sad about a child moving out of home at 18, it?s very normal.

Sounds to me, OP, as if you want your DD to stay at home as a safety blanket so you?re not left with your H. My mother as very clingy like this and ultimately at the time I resented her more than my dad who I had blazing rows with. (I got on fine with my parents once I didn?t have to live under the same roof as them!)

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