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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't get over what my father has done

34 replies

BabyRuSh · 22/04/2013 08:40

He has had multiple affairs, all with young teenage girls (17-18). They have all been his employees and dependent on him for their income. He has had children with 2 of these girls and they are now single mothers (he does provide financial support). He is approavhing 70 and his current gf is ubder 20. My parents have separated but my mother and sibblings maintain an amicable relationship with him and chooses to ignore his lifestyle. I find this really difficult to do. I think what he's doing is wrong and I just can't block it out. My mum thinks I should be like my siblings and maintain a civil relationship with him, but everytime I see him I just think of my dd being taken advantage of one day. Is my mum right?? I know how he lives is his choice, but I don't need to live with it do I??

OP posts:
greenteawithlemon · 22/04/2013 08:43

No.

There's no onus on you to have a relationship with a man you dislike! Father or not.

CinnabarRed · 22/04/2013 08:47

As greentea says. Neither is there any onus on you to agree with your mother's or your siblings' decisions, although you should respect that their decision is right for them, just as yours is right for you (and they should respect you too).

digerd · 22/04/2013 09:28

He is approaching 70 and his lastest gf is under 20? Shock.

What does she want with a man 50 years older? He must have some magnetism/charisma.

As he is not my dad, I am just amazed, but can empathise with you if it were the case. The sterotype of 'dirty old man ' comes to mind.

As said above, it is up to your DM and siblings to act as they want, and you to act according to your feelings.

I really feel sorry for your DM as must have hurt her feelings, but good for her if she wants to/can stay civil towards him.

I can also understand your concerns about your DD accepting such behaviour from a DH/DP and father.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/04/2013 09:49

You don't have to have a relationship with anyone you don't like. Parents or otherwise. Having said that - and I accept that he seems to be the kind that abused the position of power over the women that worked for him - I'm not quite sure why you think he's going to take advantage of your DD specifically.

AnyFucker · 22/04/2013 10:00

I would cut a person like that out of my life, father or not

Original poster
BabyRuSh · 22/04/2013 10:07

I didn't mean he would abuse my dd, it just makes me think of her being a teenager and falling 'into the clutches' of someone similar. I do think he takes advantage of these young women/ girls and its always women who are not from a well to do background, who are a bit in awe of him, as he is their boss, and wealthier than them. He also showers them with gifts (buying cars for the two that ended up having his kids for example, before they got pregnant). I think what he does is awful and I feel sorry for those poor girls. My mum is of the opinion that they chose to do it for the money/ gifts he showers on them and blames the girls. But I feel they are too young to know better, and feel its my dad to blame! I feel sad about the whole situation as I would like to have a relationship with him, but I really am finding it difficult to compartmentalise my feeling about his lifestyle.

OP posts:
pictish · 22/04/2013 10:11

I sympathise enormously because I know I'd feel the same as you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/04/2013 10:30

If you want to have a relationship with him, that's different. Do all the people in your life conform to your personal standards or do any of them do or say things that you don't necessarily agree with. He may have taken advantage of various women down the years, your mother included, but at least he seems to have 'done the decent thing' financially where there are children involved. Many wouldn't bother. As for your DD falling into the clutches of someone similar, do you think she'll grow up to admire her grandfather or (more likely) see him as a bit of a pathetic old git in the mould of Silvio Berlusconi...?

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 22/04/2013 13:55

I would find it very hard to keep a relationship going, except on a very shallow level, with someone who behaves like this. He is exploitative.

arsenaltilidie · 22/04/2013 14:58

If your own mother is amicable with him then its none of your business to judge.

ccsays · 22/04/2013 15:59

Yes, quite arsenaltilidie If your own mother is amicable with him OP then it's none of your business to judge his sleazy, predatory, arseholeish behaviour Hmm

Seriously though, you're not obliged to have a relationship with him, father or not. Deciding to cut my violent, delusional and all round awful father out my life was the best thing I ever did, much less stressful not having to deal with whatever despicable thing it is he's done this time.

AnyFucker · 22/04/2013 17:13

of course you can judge even if your mother is amicable with him

you have a mind of your own !

garlicyoni · 22/04/2013 17:36

You're being completely reasonable. I do sympathise. There are strong pressures, both from relations and society at large, to "keep family together" but family members can be despicable people. It's absurd to keep people in your life when they do things that repel you. Shared genes can as much of an embarrassment as a bond!

As they say, you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends. So choose to fill your life with well-balanced friends, who don't see themselves as exercising some sort of droit de seigneur over vulnerable young women.

It's a bit grim of your mother to blame the girls, but I suppose that's the only way she can live with her cowardliness.

arsenaltilidie · 22/04/2013 19:00

If her own mother who isn't affected by his behaviour and is civil with him, then the OP as has no right to meddle in her parents' relationships.

ccays there is no where in the OP where it says or suggests her father is violent, delusional and all round awful

If he treats people around him well, then who he conducts his romantic relationships has nothing to do with OP.

UNLESS she thinks her father would be a risk to her daughter, then thats a different matter.

AnyFucker · 22/04/2013 19:22

she isn't advocating meddling in other people's relationships

she is asking whether people agree that she would be justified in not having one of her own with this man...she is not trying to dictate to anyone else

AnyFucker · 22/04/2013 19:24

some people forgive (for example) a convicted rapist or paedophile and maintain intimate relationships with them

would you say the rest of the family had to as well, arsenal ?

I would not be held hostage by someone else's denial

Corygal · 22/04/2013 19:52

Ewwww. You're stuck between doing what you want and creating a family row about non-contact. Solution - stick to the decencies ie Christmas, birthdays and reunions, then do no more.

You obviously don't like him much, and I imagine there's rather more to it than his admittedly repellent sex life.

BasilBabyEater · 22/04/2013 21:51

"If her own mother who isn't affected by his behaviour and is civil with him, then the OP as has no right to meddle in her parents' relationships."

Eh?

She's not asking about her parent's relationship, she's asking about her's.

OP you've got every right to decide who you will have a relationship with and if you don't want to have a relationship with htis predatory creep, you don't have to, father or not.

Original poster
BabyRuSh · 22/04/2013 23:25

Thanks all of you for taking the time to respond. I have only told dh irl as it is quite an embarrassment. its good to finally be able to talk more!

i am in no way suggesting my mum or siblings change their relationships with my dad. They are all adults and can think for themselves.

I also know it's his right to choose how he lives his life, but I cannot ignore the fact that I feel it's wrong. And its something he continues to do. Its not the fact he has affairs i have an issue with, its more that they are vulnerable young women.

But arsenelitide does have one point that he's always treated us well. And that is why I find it difficult to resolve the two sides of him. He's always been warm and welcoming to dh, and is very good with my dc.

OP posts:
arsenaltilidie · 23/04/2013 03:28

Anyfucker a convicted rapist or paedophile Hmm
Those are examples of people breaking the law and abusing people; the OPs father is neither of those.
If he is happy, his gf is happy, his other children are looked after, her mother and sibblings are happy and he treats everyone well... then thats not her father's problem.
Let your father live the way he wants to live, he is not hurting anyone.

As for your daughter, if your husband treats you well, chances are your daughter will marry someone that treats her well.

BOF · 23/04/2013 03:36

Is he still married to your mother?

He must be fucking loaded to buy girlfriends cars. He sounds like a sleazy creep- I wouldn't want anything to do with him.

CheerfulYank · 23/04/2013 03:52

You don't have to "get past it" if you don't want to.

My brother is in his 30s and only ever dates much younger women, and that bothers me enough. He is a loser, though, and any woman worth her salt near his age wouldn't have him. That's why he does it...18 year olds are easily sucked in and think that he's just misunderstood, doesn't want to live an average life, etc. But really he just doesn't want to have to try for anything.

We don't have a close relationship and that's part of the reason why.

Blu · 23/04/2013 08:13

OP, it sounds pretty upsetting, too, that he conceives half siblings to you with barely a care. This would upset me on quite a deep and hard to understand level, I think.

You don't have to pretend anything, but you don't have to start a hostile feud and try and persuade anyone else. You could be matter of fact with your Dad, tell him 'I don't think it makes you look all that great, to be honest Dad, and I wouldn't like to think of dd in such a situation with a boss so much older, would you? So it's not something I'm celebrating or wanting to hear about. ' and then remain civil but no closer and no more involved than you feel comfortable with.

ccsays · 23/04/2013 08:18

Think you're getting your wires crossed there arsenaltilidie. I was saying that my father was like that, not the OPs. My point was that if he's causing her that much stress distancing herself from him might be helpful for her. His behaviour is at best sleazy and at worst exploitative. I also wonder how many young women dependant on his wages have been made to feel uncomfortable at their boss's advances, or that they couldn't turn him down for fear of losing their job. It's highly likely that there's more to it than what he's made his family aware of.

Anyway OP. Do what feels right for you. I can understand why you might not want to cut him out your life completely. Equally, you're under no obligation to maintain a relationship with just because of blood.

Pilgit · 23/04/2013 08:27

Yes his behaviour is eugh. But they are consenting adults and he is supporting his children. You have not said that the young ladies feel aggrieved by his behaviour. Others will see them as Anna Nicole smith types - gold diggers using him for financial security (nothing to indicate that they are). Being cynical are your family keeping civil to ensure being remembered in his will? You have every right to cut him out but why waste the emotion judging him? Are you there for your hakf siblings? Are you part of their lives?

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