Controlling behaviour - Seeking advice as i have no where to turn

[tweedlezee]

OK, so here I am. confused and alone with no where to turn or so it feels. Wondered if the good ship mums net could sail me away to a happier place. I am going to be brutally honest and I really hope someone else out there is too.
So DP and I have 2 kids. We were together about a year before I got pregnant. when I got pregnant he couldn't have been happier.
not long after, he said a couple of odd things which stick in my mind. he sort of accused me of maybe being pregnant by someone else. this stayed with me all through my pregnancy and it was a huge relief when my son came out looking exactly like his dad. so I moved out of my gorgeous flat and into his stinking flat to save money. I had SPD through my pregnancy and so really couldn't move/walk/turn over in bed. I ate a lot and became quite depressed. he used to get really frustrated with me. telling me I should do more but when I offered things up to do, he never wanted to do them with me. He used to want me to go out clubbing but didn't understand why I felt it wan't appropriate., I felt I could do nothing right and I could not please him. despite working 40 hours a week, saving like mad and cooking. cleaning for him.
We moved into a new house and my son was born. I developed post-natal depression as I had limited support from family (who live v.far away) and my DP was building his business. I became pregnant again, just as I felt I was getting myself back. my SPD became too much by the time I was 6 months pregnant. I couldn't stand and me and DS spent a lot of time at home watching telly. I could just about stand up long enough to make tea for DS and DP. DP used to get frustrated with me as I cried a lot due to being immobile/working 25 hours a week and looking after a 1 yr old.
DP can be quite stand off-ish with my friends. has been known to tell me that if I keep 'speaking my mind' then my friends will 'not like me anymore'. My friends are amazing. He has also been known to be rude about my parents and I find myself joining and feeling bad about them coming over because he seems uncomfortable with them around.
I am confused.
He feels controlling but he tells me I am controlling. I have wanted to return to work but he has said that his job is more important. he wont agree to giving me some money everyweek saying I should just be able to ask for it. HE is always late and makes me late even though I want to be on time. he seems to know it will upset me and tells me I am being stupid. he tells me I am mad whenever w e fight and ignores my feelings. he also says he worries about the kids with me but leaves them at home with me everyday and wont sacrifice the growth of his business. I am confused. I am alone. I don't want to talk to my friend too much as I don't want them to think ill of him or to feel to protective of me as its is awkward for them. Please help.

cestlavielife thank you. well i get the housing benefit paid into my account. i have a job interview tomorrow so hopefully that should work out so i can start working one day a week. i have a little bit of money. i didn't take the money. i am goign to speak to my dad later hopefully. i just want it all to go away. i know it won't, i know that is not an option but i feel very tired and emotional today. i was angry last night, so frustrated and the fac that he woke this morning all sweetness and light has made me feel so confused and emotional. i have no release for my anger.

"i can understand why that person you used to live with used to hit you" said no decent man ever.

Keep trying with Womens Aid for advice. I don't know why you are even bothering talking to him now. You know how it will end. He can still be a father to the kids but you don't have to stay in a shit relationship like this anymore and they will be far happier not listening to it all. I lived once with a man whose moods changed and expected me to be sweetness and light with him too and it is exhausting and unhealthy. Get your dad to help you get out.

bringbacksideburns you are very right. and the list of things he has said in his time goes on. and its always my fault he says them.he has stated all that is happening now is a result of my actions.

tweedle Have you got a back up plan for if your dh doesn't turn up at all for childcare for the interview? Would it be possible (as it's with your friend) to take the kids anyway, or for your mum/dad to meet you there and wait with kids/walk kids? That way, if he's late, you can just go to the interview anyway without giving him the pleasure of seeing you get wound up when he's late.

I come at this from the point of view of having a dh who, while not malicious, does not get the concept of being early or on time and does not understand how discomforting it is to be left wondering if someone will turn up. So I like to have a backup plan so I don't end up calling to say "where are you?". He's also twigged that I change times to build in some leeway, and either assumes I've done that, or gets arsey about it. I need to revisit this topic with him...

he does that too, i always change times like if he's getting from the station (like never) i will take half hour off so he is not late. i have a friend popping round this afternoon (i will get shit form him for this as he gets cross if he thinks i have spoken to other about our relationship) so i might ask her if she can help out. i need this job, its sort of mine relaly, just need to make a positive impression. mum and dad are so far away so sadly they cant help on short notice. though thinking about it, its my mums day off tomorrow so worse come to worse i could ask....

iPhone! I meant 'counter argue'

Here is an example...

Me: the way you badger me about sex is really upsetting me...

Him: I've been meaning to tell you how angry I am that you took Claire's advice (referring to 2 year old incident)

This.

piemother THIS! Totally this. There is no acceptance of how my opinion/way of thinking. And when i make this statement it gets countered with "you dont listen to MY way of thinking" "You are not takng on board what I have to say"
it feels like i am not allowed to stand up for myself, like i am not allowed to expectations of how i want to be treated. that i have to make all the effort, all the changes yet i am allowed none of the decisions

"But right now we are talking about this. We can talk about that afterwards."

I have read this, and variations on the theme, on MN for years. A month or so ago I used it on my dh. He shut up completely.

I am angry on your behalf. It is so infuriating and very abusive

I can recommend divorce works for me!

Jux - I tried that with exh dodnt work for me

He's awful - your head must be completely messed up because he is gas lighting you. Pretending you misheard or imagined things he said, nasty and nice - it's textbook.

Keep trying WA. You need to get away from him.

Jux - do you mean he effectively said, "OK, we won't talk about either, then"? Or he shut up about his issue and listened to yours?

I had the chance to air my views, Charlotte. He's a bit bombastic and can really project his voice.

Bombastic LOVE that phrase

These kind of threads get me soooo worked up. I would relish a chance to argue with these knobs.

When he changes the subject to something completely irrelevant. I would just wait till he finishes and say,

' you know what this is? fuckwittery. Complete crap that you sprout ever time i have a grievance to throw us off track. You are an headfuck and if anyone was stood in the room right now listening to this they would think you were a fecking arsehole. There is only so long someone can live with this kind of headfuck and i will end up leaving you in the end, if you don't start to acknowledge that i have feelings that need addressing. It's draining and makes me see how pathetic/insecure you really are.'

Mine tried something similiar and i have said a version of the above, and also things along the lines of- 'you deflacting again' (mantra style) 'what makes you so special that whenever i have a problem with you, you turn it around, so that you're mad at me, do you really think that you are soooo important, that no one is ever allowed to find fault with you? Who are you exactly? '

sassy, I tried a less ranty version of the above, more along the lines of Jux's suggested response... and was told that I was controlling. You can't make people listen if they don't think you should be talking. That's a deep-seated belief and it won't change with a bit of rational talking from "the wife".

I know charlotte and i totally believe it is less hard work to just leave.

But i'd still like to argue with them. I'd love the challenge. I'd be laughing in their face, if they tried to say i was controlling.

I think the difference is, the place that people are in. I haven't got any love/feelings invested in this situation. I wouldn't be interested in trying to get them 'to see me' i couldn't give a rats ass if they see me or not.

Until you detach from them, the situation and just DO.NOT.CARE you can't win. They have a hold on you, because you are trying to get something from them (understanding) and make the relationship work. Where as they are just trying to control you.

I would just go out my way to do everything they didn't want me to do.

I've been in an abusive relationship (free 12 years this sept) and i just have a complete aversion to anyone treating me this way. I can't stand it. I can't stand it when i see others either.

I agree there is no winning.........until you leave.

Could try this-

'whilst you might think you are dazzling me with brilliance, what you are actually doing is baffling me with bullshit. '

I started this ages ago when things were peaking again. Then they settled down. I switched my focus onto myself and I have had an amazing summer but here we go again. I cam back from a festival in june and the morning of the first day I woke up at home I said "for fucks sake" in my sleep when he was getting out of bed. I received a TORRENT of abuse about my attitude and how I should have come back from the festival happy and how ungrateful I was. this is his new focus - how ungrateful I am. I also get told that how I parent is wrong. ALOT! I was going to go to my mums and asked if he wanted to come with me, he said he'd think about it. the kids got collected by my mum and then I left later. when I came into the house I said "busy, lots to do" and this caused him to get shirty with me (???!?!) he wouldn't make a decision about whether he would go, then managed to make it so I couldn't leave until 7.30 pm (they live 3 hours away) because he had to check the oil/water/petrol. (I CAN DO ALL OF THESE THIGNS BUT WHEN I SAID THAT HE LAUGHED). Last night was the worst though. I got back from a festival last weekend. he told me how grateful I should have been when I returned that he let me go. (LET ME GO?!!) I told him he doesn't let me go anywhere and he told me how f'd up I was that I focus on the negative. he layed unto me about my parenting style when I wanted to discuss our life together. he threw a glass of water in my face last night when I was talking ot him about being uncomfortable/unhappy at home. when I said about him not doing enough around the house (I got back from the festival to a REALLY dirty home and he told me he didn't do any because it was nicer not to). I feel sick, i'm tired, I am tired of being told off like a child in front of my own children. please help me. I don't know what is up or down anymore.

This is physical abuse now. The water is physical abuse. So what are you going to do?

Phone WA again and keep phoning. Or phone101 and report the abuse to keep it on file.

He is not a good Dad BTW - a good Dad does not refuse to give money for his son's birthday present.

i'm scared

spoken to WA. before they picked up I nearly hung up but I am glad I spoke to them. I really hope I find a way out of this.

you need to find a way out of this...because you know there is a cycle, he will be just nice enough to suck you back in...you think "it's not so bad really" then a couple of months/weeks/days and you are back to obvious abuse...you get fed up, get some strength then he "hoovers" again and you are back sucked into this soul destroying mess.

He will not change
You can do something to free yourself
make plans, do it safely and deal with the fall out.
you can do this
it will be worth it

Well done!

Bumping so the usual wise mumsnetters will see you on active. You're very courageous.