XP hasn't bothered to contact me or DS since August 2011. So he texted me yesterday morning...

[YoniBottsBumgina]

Saying, literally,

When can I see my son

No question mark, no preamble, no "Hi how are you?" No name even! (I'm quite tempted to text back saying which one, I have 3 sons now )

Then I got two whatsapps later (free text app thing) saying "Hey" and "Speak to me" - I hadn't looked at my phone so hadn't seen the original text. I've texted him back now.

Am just - would it have taken an extra 30 seconds to add something slightly thoughtful? When you haven't even been in your son's life for almost half of it? I've just checked my messages to see when it was that his mum asked if she could pass on my number (which he already had) and it was over a month ago!

Good grief. You should text back 'I'm sorry - who is this?'

Unbelievable. Have you replied?

Yep. I'm on holiday at the moment so sent him a whatsapp back asking for his email so we can sort something out. There are some things I need to speak to him about if he's going to appear back in DS' life, like the fact that DS now refers to DP alternately by his name and "My Daddy", and doesn't really remember XP although he has looked at photos periodically. I don't know what XP is expecting, so should be interesting.

What's the history op? . If you don't mind.He already sounds twatty, like he doesn't want to conform to the way things ought to be done.

Good luck. The message was very rude.

He's 4.5 now. Last saw him when he was 2, and that was after a break of 2 months, so he didn't really remember him at that time. If he talks about him he calls him "My other daddy, the one I had when I was a baby". I have shown him pictures whenever he asked, which TBH has been about 2 or 3 times in the last 2 years.

Last time we saw XP (I went along because I was worried DS would be upset as he didn't really remember him) he brought a support group of 5 other people and spent the entire time trying to show off to me. I don't care, idiot, show off to your son, he's the one you're supposed to want a relationship with.

Out of interest. Does he pay any support for his son?

Very very condensed history - EA relationship, was never involved with DS when we were together. Left when DS was 13 months. Initially saw DS regularly, then when got together with new GF (after 3 months) and got her pregnant (in the first week) contact tailed off as GF's DD was always "ill" or he was ill or GF was ill. Very volatile relationship with GF.

They split up and that's why he cut contact for 2 months as "too messed up in the head to see DS". As I said earlier, he saw him once, I said "Text me when you want to see him again, we're doing something next weekend but the next one is free." Haven't seen or heard from him since. His other DC and (ex)GF's DD have been taken into care because the (ex)GF is so messed up - he said he wouldn't look after his child. Around 5 weeks ago he bumped into XMIL, who I often see and has a good relationship with DS, he asked her for my number (which hadn't changed), she asked if this was OK, I said yes. This is the first contact. He's changed his number as the old one I had for him isn't flagging as this one.

Yes will definitely be short meetings, with me, perhaps at XMIL's house or with someone else who DS is comfortable with.

He doesn't pay child support no. He was on benefits for ages and I didn't want to pay the useless CSA so I didn't bother claiming.

Oh yeah that was it - he was on benefits, and living with (now ex) GF and had another son so CSA worked it out as about £2 per week that we'd actually get. I decided that pissing him off was not worth £2 per week.

Probably - the last time was because of a new girlfriend as well.

He let his little daughter go into care?!

There really are no words to fully describe the kind of shitscrape he must be.

Is the little girl to be adopted? What did your exMIL think about her granddaughter going into care? God, I just can't believe that.

Well, slightly awkward situation (and sorry for drip feed!) as we're planning to move to Germany in a few months, and I was going to email him when we got back but since he got in contact first it's going to be as soon as he gives me his current email address/face to face (pondering on email vs face to face TBH as I don't want him to kick off in front of DS even though I have a suspicion he's already aware)

We didn't plan the move in order to take DS away from him, and I don't want it to look like we have done, it was a decision made based on what we think is best for DS and for us as a family, and it's not like it's the other side of the world. So I don't want to be blocking contact - I'm quite happy for DS to have a relationship with his father if he wants one, even though I think he's a terrible influence and totally unstable. We will of course take things slowly. He's still his dad and DS has a right to know him. And we're happy to facilitate skype contact and we'll be taking DS home periodically to visit family etc anyway, so factoring visits to XP every few months won't be an issue.

I think XMIL will probably be open to having a visit at her house, but I will speak to her when we get home. If not it will be supervised (by me!) in a public place for the time being.

XMIL was very upset - she phoned me and spoke to me about it at length. She did not feel she could take on the child as it would have meant splitting up the (half) siblings - both DC of the GF - and also her age, and the GF is very unstable and she felt it would be difficult as GF would know where her child was and she thought it was likely that the GF would not be able to stay away even if there were court orders etc. She was staggered that XP wouldn't even consider it, as was I when she told me.

XMIL doesn't have a relationship with her other grandchild as the GF did not facilitate contact after she and XP split up, but she was obviously upset at the prospect of losing contact forever. I don't know whether they actually got adopted in the end because I don't keep in contact with the GF, but they had been in and out of care a few times :( Last I heard it was going through court, so I don't know, but I imagine that for SS to consider permanent adoption the situation must be very bad.

FWIW, although this sounds awful, I think XP was probably right not to take the child on as he, too, is totally unstable and I don't know if he could cope with a child. When we were together I did everything for DS as he basically refused to get involved - he would occasionally do fun stuff with him, but had to be "in the right mood".

Poor little things. Hopefully they're on their way to a more stable future.

Don't want to worry you, but do you think the sudden flurry of interest might be because he's heard that you are leaving? - would he be the kind of arse to get on his high horse that you're 'taking his so away from him'? No matter if so I guess as presumably you'd laugh in his face if he tried to stop you and would tell him to take his complaints along with his dismal history as a father so far to the nearest court, but still!

-taking his son

Possibly, and yep, he will definitely see it that I'm taking his son far away from him, but it's not like we've planned it with that intention if that makes sense. We made the decision based on what our situation is/was at the time, and perhaps if DS had had a (decent) relationship with XP, we might have made a different choice, but we can't put our lives on hold forever just in case he takes an interest.

I looked it up a while ago and if it does go to court he won't have a leg to stand on because he doesn't have a relationship with DS anyway, and we're happy to facilitate Skype/telephone contact and bring him back for visits every few months or so. And it will be of huge benefit to DS to be here, he'll learn another language, there are so many great opportunities and DP has a great job here which he didn't in the UK. My job as well I can do more easily here than back home, so it's beneficial for all of us.

TBH I suspect he knew a while ago because of a comment he made to XMIL, that was months ago and it wasn't even certain that we were going so I didn't say anything then. Now it's definitely happening I'm planning to talk to him ASAP because I think it's only fair that he hears it from me and not on facebook etc - not that my facebook is open to him.

Well I've sent the email explaining that we're moving and also that he doesn't really remember him and calls him "my daddy from when I was a baby" - I left out the part that DS actually calls him "other daddy" as I thought that was a bit too harsh Hopefully we can train him into something else, unless of course XP decides it's not worth bothering now he knows the full story - wouldn't put it past him :(