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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

back in touch with an old male friend after losing touch 9 yrs ago

12 replies

fishandlilacs · 04/04/2013 10:56

I am over the moon to have found this friend again, he was a very close best friend for 5 years, then he moved overseas and we lost touch. Anyway found him through some random chance on FB, were both really chuffed, hes been gutted as i was about losing touch.

we were "friends with benefits" for about 6 months at the start of our friendship but we very quickly decided that we got on better when we didn't. We remained friends with no benefits ever since. I love him dearly but it's truly platonic.

I cant help worrying that my DH is jealous. he has seen how bowled over I am to have found him, he knows I grieved his loss when i thought we were out of touch forever. He knows this guy, we were friends when i met DH, he knows that we have a past. It's not some flash in the pan relationship new work colleague type thing. My friend has 2 kids and is in a happy relationship, I have 2 kids and I love my DH. DH and him even spoke on the phone when we made contact again.

But because i'm so happy and excited about it DH seems a bit sulky that hes coming to visit in 2 weeks.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 04/04/2013 10:59

Put yourself into your husbands shoes for a moment. How would you be feeling if he was skipping around the house deliriously excited because a woman he used to shag was coming to stay... Hmm

You may say its only platonic, but your actions are probably making him wonder if there is more to it.

Original poster
fishandlilacs · 04/04/2013 11:04

He's not coming to stay, he's back in UK and he's only an hour away so hes coming up for lunch. We may have him and his kids to stay when we have my birthday BBq in summer. Dh will be here.

He's not someone my DH hasn't met before, and DH knows hes more to me than just some bloke I used to shag when I was in my early 20's. I'm nearly 40 now fgs I have been with DH for 16 years, he knew this friend of mine, as a mutual friend for 6 years before we lost touch.

OP posts:
CostaTen · 04/04/2013 11:19

I can't see the problem. You are both in long term, happy relationships. Maybe your husband will feel better after you've all spent some time together. I guess this other guy was a huge part of your life at one time and DH may feel a bit insecure. Just reassure him if you think that would be appropriate.

Zilvernblue · 04/04/2013 11:21

I think you need to calm down a bit. Nothing very much has happened. A friend from several years back has got back in touch and you will see him when he visits. The man has children. You might have a summer BBQ. Your DH might be a bit irritated by your over-excitement at this really quite ordinary course of events.

Do you have any hobbies?

Original poster
fishandlilacs · 04/04/2013 11:39

costa thank you, that summed it up better than I could.

zilver irritated is a better way to describe his mood, it's more he's pissed off that i'm so bouncy and happy rather than feeling threatened by my friend. If friend and I had never lost touch then DH wouldn't have given our friendship a second thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
fishandlilacs · 04/04/2013 11:51

It's just a couple of jokey things female friend said that i was in danger of having an emotional affair Hmm that made me feel i was doing something wrong. She asked me if my DH was jealous and observed that i was obviously "pleased to hear from him again"

It's not wrong to be pleased to be back in touch with a long lost friend. It's not wrong to have a male friend. I'm pretty sure DH is fine with it all but my friends comments have got me paranoid

OP posts:
scaevola · 04/04/2013 11:57

If your RL friends see is as circumstances WI potential for an EA, then for heavens sake listen to them. You, as the one caught up in the centre of events won't see it until it's too late and damage done.

Don,t shoot the messenger - listen to the message, and do the affair-proofing before the full force of temptation hits. Look for resources on line, or read "Not Just Friends" now. It could save a great deal of heartache later.

BurtNo · 04/04/2013 12:04

do you think your female friend might be jealous (as well)?

Original poster
fishandlilacs · 04/04/2013 12:16

The female friend who said this was here later the same day we'd made contact. i was buzzing from it when she saw me. I have only known here a year, she has no idea who this guy is and what our friendship was like. She doesnt even know my dh that well, but thinking about it she was probably judging by her own standards as she hasn't long come out of a very crappy relationship with a very jealous exP

The more i think about it the more I'm just worried for nothing. Thank you for helping me get my head in order.

OP posts:
scaevola · 04/04/2013 16:04

No-one intends to have a damaging EA with an old friend. Reading the book I suggested may protect your marriage, at the cost of only a few quid and the time to read it. It's an investment that some people really wish they had made early on.

There's nothing to lose, especially in circumstances which made you concerned enough to post, and which have already led to a friend detecting euphoria.

DadOnIce · 04/04/2013 16:05

All this "friends with benefits" stuff is terribly cool and modern, isn't it? (Hoists manboobs.)

Original poster
fishandlilacs · 04/04/2013 16:22

Thank you Scaevola, but I don't have any intention of having an EA with him, he's an old mate, purely platonic. Honestly I feel like I have a long lost brother back. I have no interest in him other than renewing our friendship. The old FWB scenario is so far in the past now its irrelevant.

As I said my friend who made me paranoid in the first place is not a great judge at mo, I have spent the last 9 months helping her pick up the pieces after a very messy emotionally abusive relationship, and as for her "detecting euphoria" she came over for coffee about half hour after my friend and I had just spoken for the first time in 9 years-who wouldn't be euphoric!

I spoke to DH and told him about this thread, he has poo pooed my concerns and his just as pleased as i am.

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