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Original poster

Who has a longterm OH that they do not stay over with?

22 replies

lovemydogs · 30/03/2013 17:09

Is it just me?
I don't want to - I want to see him and come home frankly but am coming under increasing pressure to stay over - he has a 7 bed house which he lives in alone and I have a couple of dogs in a 3 bed house and he will not consider staying here - to be honest I don't want him to anyway.
I don't want to see anyone else I just do not want to spend nights together. He drinks a bottle of wine and a couple of beers most nights, wants me to sit and just watch tv and he snores so when I have stayed I have had to get up and go to another room.
Maybe with someone else I would want to stay - a big part of me feels the need to 'escape' home.
Do most people who do not co-habit stay over with a long term partner? Am I unusual?
Be brutal!
thanks

OP posts:
Worried73 · 30/03/2013 17:12

Yes I think you are unusual. Sounds to me like there's a good chance he's not the right person for you - some people just want space but you are actually giving reasons relating to the way he is as to why you don't want to stay with him.

Worried73 · 30/03/2013 17:13

And have you been the same in previous relationships?

TobyLerone · 30/03/2013 17:13

This is unusual. And other things you've said would suggest that you're not in this for the long term. Does he know that?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 30/03/2013 17:22

I think it is unusual yes.

I think it sounds like you don't really want to be with him, to be very honest.

You don't sound really very keen on him.

That isn't a criticism of you! It just reads like you aren't that into him.

If that's the case, then perhaps a talk about how you both feel and what you see for yourselves in the future might be a good thing.

Original poster
lovemydogs · 30/03/2013 17:23

I have been with him 2 years almost - it is alot to do with his drinking I think - he doesn't want sex, wants booze every night, wants to watch what he wants on tv, wants us to eat when he wants to eat.
I have lived with guys before but never married - he is 15 years older than me.
I feel that I would actually love to meet someone and be with them, get married for example - I think it is me reacting to him. He is very opinionated eg a few times he has told me to get changed if he doesn't like what I am wearing.
So basically most people in a LTR do want to stay over alot of the time? Thanks for all advice

OP posts:
ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 30/03/2013 17:26

good grief.

erm. I know you weren't actually asking for opinions on your relationship, so tell me to shut up and sod off by all means, but are you happy? He doesn't sound like someone it is nice to be in a relationship with.

Worried73 · 30/03/2013 17:26

Yes I'd say most folk in a long term relationship love (or should love) to spend time with their partner (as well as doing other things of course!). Sounds like you need to finish it with him and wait to find someone you do like to be with.

Original poster
lovemydogs · 30/03/2013 17:32

No I am not happy. Just writing it down (and I have kept it brief so far) has helped me
thank you

OP posts:
OneMoreGo · 30/03/2013 17:39

I used to feel like you and it absolutely was because I wasn't with the right person. I think I knew this on some level. I am now with the right person (who happens to be a woman- probably that's where I was going wrong before, because I was dating the wrong gender Grin ) and I do now very much want to stay over with her. Because she's lovely to be around and just because I adore her and want to be around her all the time. I haven't felt quite like this before though, so I would say he is just wrong for you. Additionally, he sounds like a selfish and faintly controlling borderline alcoholic!

It is possible to want to have separate places and Helena Bonham carter and Tim Burton have two houses next to each other, because they really like their own space. But that is very unusual and even if you are that way inclined, finding someone who is too is unlikely. Most relationships have a fair bit of compromise - sounds like your OH isn't doing any of that, and so understandably you aren't willing to either!

E320 · 30/03/2013 18:03

I have never spent the night at my BF's and he hasn't at mine either. We have been seeing one another for over 6 years. We do live an hour's drive away from one another and he works shifts, often starting at 06:00. Couple that with the fact that we both often have to travel for work & you can understand that we are very pleased if we can actually see one another! Some people think it very odd.

CityTiliDie · 30/03/2013 18:09

There is no hope for a LTR here.

You dont actually like the bloke much.... exactly what are you getting out of the relationship?

Read your OP back as an outsider and then give your opinion!

Get out now, this has no future and you are both wasting your time and life.

pollypandemonium · 30/03/2013 18:15

How long have you been together? Did you meet him when you were very young?

This is not a normal healthy relationship. Don't know what is, but I know that this isn't.

Original poster
lovemydogs · 30/03/2013 18:17

Yes you are all right I think. Been together 2 years he is 60 I am 45. No future.

OP posts:
pastasquares · 30/03/2013 18:22

I don't understand what you're getting out of this relationship either. I can understand the need for your own space and wanting to get back to your own home - I was seeing my OH for five years before we married and although I often spent the night, it was inconvenient for travelling to work the next morning, missing the morning post and having to bring everything I needed for work with me. Sometimes I'd spend the evening and then go home.

But I always felt a bit torn about it - I did actually want to spend time with him, and it doesn't sound l like you really want to do that with this man. And not surprising either - I'd be very bored to just visit a boyfriend, not have sex and not have anything planned except TV and drinking.

ImperialBlether · 30/03/2013 18:41

Oh OP, get out fast. There's no point in being with him - he's horrible! Like pasta, I'd be bored stiff if I had to spend a night with him. Oh and tell him there's probably a connection between the booze and the lack of sexual desire.

izzyizin · 30/03/2013 18:43

The mystery is why you'd want to spend any time with this self-entitled arse.

Leave him to continue savouring the joys of his wine cellar and get yourself 'out there' so you can find joy with a man who wants to stay over with you just as much as you want to stay over with him.

SorryMyLollipop · 30/03/2013 18:53

No sex, just watching him get drunk in front of the telly every time?!

Why?

Life is too short. With the right person you would actually want to stay over.

Hopasholic · 30/03/2013 19:06

OP have you just posted in AIBU re is my BF an alcoholic ?

Original poster
lovemydogs · 30/03/2013 19:09

yes a hour or two ago

OP posts:
Hopasholic · 30/03/2013 19:42

Oh, thought it sounded bit familiar. Sounds like you realise that you're not really getting much at all from this relationship?

Why would you put up with a man who made you change your outfit so he could sit and get bolloxed while you sit there in your 'suitable attire'

If you made a positives & negatives list, how many positives would there be?

izzyizin · 30/03/2013 19:44

Why 2 threads with conflicting titles on different boards about the same subject?

Your bf is a self-entitled arse whose love of alcohol is greater than anything he feels for you.

At the very least, he's alcohol dependent and you're best advised not to stick around to find out the very 'most' about his drinking habits.

Original poster
lovemydogs · 30/03/2013 19:47

Thank you everyone for your opinions. I shall take them on board and have a good think. Thanks again. Am signing off for the night.

OP posts:
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