"too good to leave, too bad to stay"

[bigdecisions]

I've been debating whether to leave my marriage for a few months and read about this book online.

Has anyone else read it? It has confused the living hell out of me as in so many ways it's made me realise how amazing my husband is and how great our relationship is but then in 2 or 3 ways it's made me realise that according to the book my relationship is "too bad to stay in".

I think the crux of it is that we have a supportive friendship but that's where is stops.

Has anyone else read this? I'd love to talk to anyone who's been in the same boat. All my RL friends think we are the perfect couple but I just don't feel it.

I read it an felt exactly the same, just highlighted that in some ways I've got good things in my relationship that others don't have so maybe I'm being unreasonable about wanting to leave...

Friends and family also think we are a good match but I think maybe I've out grown him (and he has been a dick about a few things that I'm evidently minimising much to my own frustration! )

Four years ago a dear female friend felt exactly as you do. Married 20+ years, two children 19 and 17. Was semi happy but then met someone at work. It was the excuse to finally decide to do something. Her husband, though devastated, left the marital home, so the DCs were not moved unnecessarily. My friend agreed to split house etc 50:50, even though it meant working full-time plus overtime, huge mortgage, needing a guarantor for the mortgage etc etc. Financially it was a struggle and she nearly gave in and thought about giving the marriage another go. Her new DP had baggage - exW, DCs etc, but last year they married and I've never seen her happier.

Ultimately, you need to think about what you really want. You only have one life, make sure you are making the most of it and don't have regrets later on.

Best of luck!

No, I haven't read it.

I've been where you (both) are though - it's hard :(

However, do yourselves (& them) a big favour and try to work it out as quickly as you can. I let it drag on for far too long and regret that - it's a waste of your lives & theirs.

Friends and family aren't you and aren't in your relationship - it's not wise to base anything on their opinions.

Good luck.

Read it hoping for a clear answer I could use to justify what I was feeling I suppose... What were you hoping to get out of it Big?
An answer to something like that (leave or go) can only come from you, no amount of advice from others or information from books will make that decision for you, although it is useful to hear what others think and see what they may have done in similar situations, at least you know you're not alone in feeling like this.

Still having trouble making my own decision so I'm probably not much help!

I found this little tool somewhere that I used to do regularly as I was working out whether or not to end my marriage. You set out the two options as columns, in this case - Option 1 - Stay; Option 2 - End Relationship. Then you have as rows - Family, Faith, Finances, Friends, Fun. So you have a table/matrix. Put an asterisk in the preferred cell for each of the rows - i.e. how would each aspect of your life be better under one or other option.

This doesn't make the decision for you, of course, but it's amazing how it changes over time as you start to form your decisions. I'm not religious so 'faith' for me translated to 'state of mind' or emotional well-being something like that. All the F's were useful though.

Watching

skating - it's interesting that you use the phrase 'outgrown him' - I have been seeing a counsellor to help me through my thoughts and I realise that what I wanted when I married him isn't necessarily what I want now. So i wonder if i have also outgrown him - But I made a promise and I had a child with him. So I feel I owe it to those two things to try hard - but I also agree with not dragging it out.

I was hoping the book would give me the clarity I needed to leave if I'm honest - i suppose that says a lot. But it actually made me realise what I have is pretty good, eg. Lots of examples where people argued wouldn't have even crossed my mind that people argued about - so there is a lot of harmony in my marriage. skating - how long have you been in ambivalence?

loving The table idea could help but there are pros and cons on both sides... As always! Did you make the decision in the end?

Hi bigdecision, I read the book, and decided it was too bad to stay. I read other threads on MN too, spoke to my most trusted friend about it day in, day out, and did 4 months of relationship counselling with my thenH too.

Earlyish days for me as we split in October last year, but I have to say that I haven't regretted it for a minute. I think that's partly because I didn't leave until I was satisfied that I'd explored all the alternatives, and partly because that book showed up some massive red flags for me - there was no joy in our marriage, and I couldn't see me being any happier in 5 years time.

That said, I agree that it's best not to drag things out if you can avoid it - although I moved so quickly once I'd decided that it was a big shock for most family and friends.

Good luck with whatever you decide x

It's a tough decision. Have you discussed it with your husband? His reaction may push you one way or the other.

I've also been thinking about buying that book but decided I've read enough on the subject and just need to stop dithering and make a decision. But it is very hard.

I'm basing my decision on ending my marriage on many, many things, but a huge indicator to me is the absence of any gut feeling telling me to stay.

I told my OH in feb (for the 3rd or 4th time) that I want to separate and now it is actually looking more like we will divorce rather than separate. It all now seems to be snowballing for me, although he is in denial I think.

I'm actually thinking that by separating it just drags it out when a divorce is what I want. Although sadly it is for nothing other than I have fallen out of love and can't imagine spending the rest of my life with him. Where does the love go?

Yes. I did the matrix as part of a journal. It's a summary thing rather than list of pros and cons. You answer quickly....friendship....better option 1 or 2.... etc rather than giving yourself lots of time to think through. I found that initially my judgements varied from day to day....but that as I started to take more control of MY feelings, desires and so on it became more consistent. I did get my husband to move out eventually. I still carried it on afterwards. Now if I ever do it there are never any asterisks in the stay option....even for family, which is the aspect that if course I worried most about damaging.

Generally I found writing very helpful and therapeutic. Had six sessions of individual counselling too. I genuinely felt I had no idea what to do at the beginning of session 1. After session five had appointed solicitor and negotiated mortgage etc.

It's not easy though....but remember. If you decide to stay now it doesn't stop you changing your mind and ending it next week, next month instead.

Read the book ten years ago. Confused me more. Same with the blessed Lundy Bancroft book. Thought it was dreadful actually

Sorry, was away for Easter.

Been in ambivalence for a couple of years now, and I am normally good at making big decisions quickly!

Started when he got a bit to close to a friend with a few too many text messages and a bit too much secrecy for my liking. Guess it made me see him in a different light. Also really floored me and made me realise I needed to change other things in my life so the relationship wasn't the center of my world anymore. I'm much happy now with me and my life, but I think if I met him today I probably wouldn't choose to be in a relationship with him.

That's not his fault tho, he hasn't changed, I have. Or is it more I grew up and he didn't. We used to be more equal but now I feel like I support him and lead things in the relationship... suppose I just want to be supported some times too.

Problem is we get on really well, have shared interests, I like doing things with him and we can easily make plans together and regularly do things we both enjoy. We chat, joke, generally get on well. I don't want to give up that part of my life.

There is no easy answer.

Was there a trigger for you to start feeling like this?

I seem to remember the author coming on here a few years ago and getting absolutely roasted!

OP you're talking about the rest of your life here. Are you happy? If you think about still being together when the DC are all grown up and gone foes that make you feel more happy/relieved or depressed/scared?

Things don't necessarily have to be awful for you to want out, and it's ok to want out.

I read it - he came out OK but we still split up.

Boh of us much happier in new relationships.