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Original poster

AIBU to expect him to take 1 day off to mind me?

39 replies

chubbymomie2012 · 20/03/2013 21:26

i need to have a wisdom tooth out under sedation because the root is twisted and pinching a nerve so causing bloody pain!!!!!! initially the date they gave me was 11th of april but they called today to say i could have a cancellation monday or wed next week. i was on the spot and choose Monday. Asked my other half to be here on monday because i need him to look after me and the kids and he says no he cant ring back and ask for wed. by the time i did wed has gone so now im back to 11th. im bloody furious. hes really pissed me off. i dont ask for much and this is important not just a whim. AIBU????

OP posts:
EverybodysSootyEyed · 20/03/2013 21:31

well it depends why he said no!

my dh tends to have a lot of meetings that he couldn't cancel at short notice

Original poster
chubbymomie2012 · 20/03/2013 21:35

I appreciate he has meetings etc. but he is a director in the company. if he cant take time off to look after his wife who can. its on Monday thats 4 days away. If he was sick he takes time off. i never ever ask him to take time off. never. i feel so hurt that he is making this difficult.

OP posts:
clam · 20/03/2013 21:39

It's not even 'just' looking after you (although that should be reason enough). You will not be in a fit state to look after his the children, which means that he has to step in. What would he do if you were hospitalised?
I hope Monday is still available.

EverybodysSootyEyed · 20/03/2013 21:41

just because he is the director doesn't mean he can't cancel - some of my dh's meetings are booked months in advance because that's the only way they can get everyone in. or it could be a client meeting and it looks unprofessional to cancel. Just because he is a director it doesn't mean people will understand!

it also sounds like he could have done wednesday at short notice so i don't think he was being entirely unreasonable

however, i do understand the agony of toothache as you describe so fully sympathise with your predicament

LemonPeculiarJones · 20/03/2013 21:43

He's being an arse. You're in pain, why should you wait two extra pain-filled days just because he refuses to schedule around your need?

Make it clear that if he won't do this for you, and for the children, then you won't be prioritising his needs in future.

Grrrr Angry

Original poster
chubbymomie2012 · 20/03/2013 21:44

your right im prob taking it too personally.

OP posts:
LemonPeculiarJones · 20/03/2013 21:48

I don't think you are. I'd feel really let down too. He is ordinarily more supportive?

CabbageLeaves · 20/03/2013 21:51

What age are your DC?

Original poster
chubbymomie2012 · 20/03/2013 22:00

he doesnt really need to be supportive in this way as i have never needed him to do it before. thats why im pissed off. dc are 13, 10, 2 and 1

OP posts:
EverybodysSootyEyed · 20/03/2013 22:08

has he booked the 11th off?

i think the fact that he asked you to change to the wednesday suggests there was something he couldn't move on monday

can't believe there is such a long waiting list. perhaps you should ask him to let you know all the days between now and the 11th he can do and then tell the dentist that they should put you top of the list for cancellations. then if they do call you have his diary to hand

that's what i tend to do with my dh

fingers crossed something comes up that you can do before the 11th

LemonPeculiarJones · 20/03/2013 22:12

Wow. So you have never needed him in this way before, and as soon as you do he lets you down.

He's supposed to be your partner. Support you, care that you're in pain, prioritise you.

The best I can say about this is that maybe he's too wrapped up in himself to have taken on board that you are in pain.

Oinkypig · 20/03/2013 22:13

You could have it out without sedation if you think you could manage? Obviously you shouldn't have to but if you want to get it done ASAP that would be an option. I think your DH should make himself available to be honest. If you have it done under sedation you might be sleepy for 24 hours but if it's a tricky extraction it's usually 48 hours after that you will feel most miserable with swelling and pain. On the up side it won't grow back!

clam · 20/03/2013 22:20

Have it done without sedation? Are you serious? Because her husband can't prioritise her?

Bloody hell!

Oinkypig · 20/03/2013 22:34

Plenty of people have wisdom teeth out without sedation everyday. It's not an emergency and she already has a date in 3 weeks time. It was just a thought she could have it done without, and also to let her know it's n

clam · 20/03/2013 22:49

Plenty of people give birth without pain relief too. But that doesn't mean she should be rail-roaded into it because her husband's got more important things to do.

cestlavielife · 20/03/2013 23:34

Maybe he prefers to delegate? Doesn't make it right but presumably there is a friend or family who could step in where your husband cannot ? For this occasion anyway then you need to sit and evaluate the whole situation...what will happen next time you sick ? Who is in call for the kids? Who is there when you are not ? Will he pay an emergency nanny ? You need back up plans if you can't rely on your h.

cestlavielife · 20/03/2013 23:35

Who stepped In When you had your youngest ? Was he around then ? Ie is this a one off or not ?

Shellywelly1973 · 21/03/2013 01:04

I realised very recently you are treated only as you allow others to treat you.

My Dp is utterly rubbish when he has rarely stepped in. Im talking the day after giving birth ironing school uniforms & doing packed lunches! He's never stepped in thinking about it.

A few weeks ago i really needed him to take some time off work. I ended up in hospital so i just needed a few days of him caring for OUR dc&to keep the house ticking over. He was pathetic. I resent him so much now, its been an eye opening experience. I doubt we will be together for much longer.

Make sure you communicate exactly how u feel.

Shellywelly1973 · 21/03/2013 01:05

Sorry Im on my phone- i was the one ironing school&doing packed lunches, not Dp!

Original poster
chubbymomie2012 · 21/03/2013 06:45

SHELLYWELLY. the day after i had my youngest i was back on the school run. my other half works away 2-3 days aweek i recently agreed to stay off work so i could mind the kids and the house. now i feel like im being treated like an employee. i agree i need to tell him how i feel because i dont tend to say anything. when he comes home tonight i think we will be having a talk.

OP posts:
kasbah72 · 21/03/2013 06:52

It doesn't sound like he is bring unsupportive, just unavailable for a last-minute arrangement that he easnt aware of.

Being a director doesn't mean you get to pick and choose the days you work!

If he asked you to go for Wednesday then it sounds like he was happy and able to support you then so where exactly is being so awful? It's hardly like he was refusing to understand why you need help or had pulled out of a commitment because something cropped up at work.

Perhaps you should have texted or called him before committing to the day or asked the receptionist to wait 5 mins before calling anti e else so you could check which day you could have help.

Tooth pain is horrendous so I sympathise with feeling grumpy about waiting but I think you are putting way too much blame in him.

kasbah72 · 21/03/2013 06:54

Aaaagh, on phone. Apologies for typos.
Just read your last message. Sounds like you are not happy with how life is so that is colouring your reactions to this incident.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 21/03/2013 07:12

I couldn't arrange a day off like that at short notice. Obviously he Realised Monday was out but could do Wednesday.
I understand you are in pain, I sympathise, I really do. But If I had meetings etc booked in all day, I wouldn't be able to take that day off to look after my DH if there was another date 2 days later.

People can't always drop everything at short notice unless its an actual emergency. It's unprofessional

CabbageLeaves · 21/03/2013 07:24

It is possible to have wisdom out with sedation if you're desperate. I have done this and 3 other procedures (biopsies) because I was needed for childcare. So yes it's possible but not desirable and if your DH could be available that would be far better for lots of reasons.

If my DC had an emergency I'd drop everything to be there. When planning their routine appt I fit it in around work. Your issue seems to fall between the two scenarios. I would suggest DH doesn't realise how you feel or doesn't care. Assume the first and talk :)

I needed a tetanus injection because of a nasty laceration sustained over the weekend. Long story but it was assumed I'd got up to date tetanus (NHS worker). On finding out I didn't I needed to get jabbed ASAP. Couldn't easily leave work so I waited a day... In an ideal world, work wouldn't intrude quite so much but it's a mistake to think someone gets paid (a lot?) and can just swan off when they need to. I have to prioritise I took the rational view that one day was a risk worth taking vs the chaos which would follow my absence. My decision and my body. You both need to talk. Perhaps he feels you don't value him or his job ? There are often two sides to everything. Really worth talking

Original poster
chubbymomie2012 · 21/03/2013 07:47

Thanks for the points of view ladies. I know it can come out without anaesthetic but I was advised to go for sedation ad the roots are curling and it will be a difficult extraction. I know he doesn't have meetings on Monday that's prob why I'm so annoyed he won't make himself available. He is saying wed because that is a day he would usually work from home. Again I would understand if I asked him all the time but I actually have never asked him to rearrange o look after me. Normally if I'm sick my parents step in however in this case it wouldn't be possible to rely on them.

OP posts:
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