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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So now ex-bf has phoned social services to voice his concerns :(

63 replies

BriAndLottie · 17/03/2013 20:12

Some of you may have seen my thread last week about my ex-bf telling DD's preschool he had reason to believe I was taking illegal substances again (after a spell at 15/16 when we were together, and a relapse a year later before I found out I was pregnant with DD). I was advised by my solicitor to stop contact (every other weekend overnight) for the time being, which led to him coming round and camping out on our doorstep refusing to move until I let him see DD- we called the police and he was arrested, cautioned and released the next morning.

He's just texted my foster mum, who I still live with, to say he's phoned social services and they're very concerned, and to tell me I should expect a visit soon.

I feel so helpless :(

OP posts:
NeedlesCuties · 17/03/2013 20:15

Let SS come. Let them see you're taking good care of your DD. Will show he's shit-stirring and lying.

I havent seen your previous threads, but hoping other people come along soon.

kinkyfuckery · 17/03/2013 20:16

Let him. If you have nothing to worry about, don't worry!

Shr0edinger · 17/03/2013 20:18

Absolutely. WELCOME ss in. It's a routine and predictable chestnut and it's a well-known one.

edam · 17/03/2013 20:20

What a shit he is. So sorry you are going through this. Agree, welcome SS with open arms, hopefully they will swiftly realise this is malicious nonsense from your ex.

SecretNutellaFix · 17/03/2013 20:22

There's nothing to worry about if you aren't. Explain what has happened and you believe it to be malicious.

Whocansay · 17/03/2013 20:25

I have no experience, but am quite sure this will not be the first malicious complaint SS have received from an ex with a grudge. I can't see that you would have anything to fear by being open with them.

And don't forget to show them any log you may have about HIS behaviour.

Have you received any legal advice?

Lueji · 17/03/2013 20:29

Not sure I'd believe him, but, if you're clean, then nothing to worry about.
SS may actually work out to protect your dc from him.

wordyBird · 17/03/2013 20:37

He's said this to make you feel helpless and afraid.

Chances are he hasn't called them: if he has, do whatever you can to be calm and measured about it even if you don't feel that way.

Social Services are used to malicious calls by abusive/controlling exes. If these boards are anything to go by, it's almost a cliche: and I've heard it in RL too.

Hang in there and try not to worry, because they really have heard it all before.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 17/03/2013 20:45

They have seen this many times, it is a common tactic. I know you are scared but remember all you have achieved and try not to be.

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 17/03/2013 20:47

As Shr0edinger said, welcome them in with open arms. You have nothing to fear.

Skyebluesapphire · 17/03/2013 20:52

There is a situation within my ex inlaws, where the grandmother calls SS on her own daughter about the granddaughter. She has done this several times. They are duty bound to inspect. Each time that they have been out, SS have found nothing wrong.

To put it into perspective - just think about Baby P - SS were slated for not doing enough to see what was happening and to stop it, so they HAVE to investigate if told a child is at risk.

If you have nothing to hide, then there is nothing for them to find. So don't worry about it. just hide all the drugs when they come round Grin

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 17/03/2013 20:53

I rather thought he would do this. You may get a visit and they'll see your happy well cared for daughter, they'll see that you're obviously not a drug addict and you live in a stable environment. Explain the situation with your ex but do make sure your DD isn't within hearing distance, social workers pick up on things like talking negatively about a parent in front of their DCs and they don't like it.

You're not helpless. Your ex is following a very predictable pattern and social services will have seen this time and time again. You are not a 16 year old drug abuser, you are a sensible hardworking woman who has sorted her life out and is doing the best for her daughter.

Original poster
BriAndLottie · 17/03/2013 20:54

Ah OK, it's not unusual then? I had a bad experience with SS as a teenager which caused me to lose faith in them a bit- that was to do with foster placements though.

I haven't had the chance to get any advice since this latest development, no. Ex-bf's plan at the moment is to gain 50/50 custody which is absolutely out of the question as far as I'm concerned.

OP posts:
tribpot · 17/03/2013 20:56

Make sure you keep that text. If he was genuinely concerned he'd hardly notify you that SS would be on their way, so that you could clean up/hide all your non-existent drug paraphernalia, warn all your non-existent drug clients to stay away (I think he claimed you were dealing as well? Anyway, you get the picture). He would want them to catch you in the act.

I'd be tempted to call his bluff (without telling him) and contact SS yourself - actually your foster mother could do so since she is presumably still in active contact with them (assuming she's still fostering) and she is the one he notified.

Let them come; he's the one with a caution and recent history with the police.

slambang · 17/03/2013 20:57

What do your foster carers say? Do they have concerns about you too?

SS will listen to them far more than to your ex because they see on a daily basis how well you are caring for your dd.

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 17/03/2013 20:59

tell your foster mum to keep that text, and any further ones that he sends.

Original poster
BriAndLottie · 17/03/2013 21:08

Sorry, haven't been completely clear- it was a private fostering arrangement, so my foster mum is someone I knew at the time who agreed to take me in IYSWIM, it wasn't an arrangement through SS and she's not a 'foster carer' so to speak. I'm now 21 so just living at hers as another resident at the address rather than as her responsibility.

We've kept all texts from him since this kicked off last week.

Tribpot- not dealing, no- ex-bf himself has done time in prison for dealing though, but over a year ago now and in all fairness up until now he's been a reformed character since then, which I'm worried is the way SS might see it :(

OP posts:
ihearsounds · 17/03/2013 21:16

As long as you are not using, you have nothing to worry about. OK so, you end up in court for contact, he is still telling everyone you are using. You can easily proof your innocence and have a drug test. Because of his drug conviction, you can ask for the same in court of him. Who out of the 2 will come out a lying drug user?

Let him carry on making silly false accusations.

breatheslowly · 17/03/2013 21:18

Did social services place you with your foster mum? If they did then they will probably be quite confident about her and listen to what she says, so it certainly isn't just him against you, you are in a strong position having her support.

Original poster
BriAndLottie · 17/03/2013 21:33

SS didn't place me with my foster mum, no, they were going to place me with a foster family but ended up offering me a semi-independent halfway house type thing instead, for various reasons both me and my foster mum, who I was living with temporarily at the time, thought it was completely inappropriate so I ended up staying with her as a private fostering arrangement. All very complicated I know!

I've had a drug test done, the results aren't back yet but I know I'l be clean so I'm not worried, just waiting to have the proof!

OP posts:
breatheslowly · 17/03/2013 21:39

She sounds supportive - at least you have her as this must be pretty horrible, even though there is nothing to his claims.

auntpetunia · 17/03/2013 21:46

As everyone says It's nothing to worry about, allow them in, show how happy healthy and well adjusted your DD is and if you've got the drug report back all the better.

He's messing with your head, don't let him. Keep all messages from him get dds nursery to do statement confirming dd is always in, is happy and doing well, that You always pick up promptly and that they have no concern.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 17/03/2013 22:00

i was on your other thread and agreed with the others that this was going to be his next move. its a classic! and ss are used to this. they deal with this kind of situation all the time

if you have nothing to hide then you have no need to worry. your dd sounds very happy with you and well cared for and that is what ss are going to see. and you are living with another responsible adult who can back you up and support you. you are in a much better place than your ex.

dont panic and keep talking here. you'll get some fab advice and Brew or Wine to help you get through it and deal with it Smile

Original poster
BriAndLottie · 17/03/2013 22:18

Thanks everyone for your support. I'm trying to tell myself SS aren't the monsters I thought they were as an angry 16 year old with bad withdrawal symptoms!

Preschool are now under strict instructions not to let ex-bf pick DD up but I'm still worried- can enforce that as he doesn't have PR.

I'll go for the Brew thanks, I don't do alcohol anymore :)

OP posts:
Original poster
BriAndLottie · 17/03/2013 23:35

I stupidly didn't turn my phone off this evening and have just had another string of abusive texts threatening to tell SS a load of crap RE drugs, DD's wellbeing etc

Not feeling so positive now :(

OP posts: